Valkyrie Chapter 1

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I have an issue with writing hundreds of first chapters for this novel, this is my latest attempt. A little flowery but I think its okay.

It was dark, the night, cold, bitter and unforgiving. A man stood alone, his silhouette burning a hole in the night sky. He looked up into the moon, a silver galleon raising though a stormy silver sea, a bad omen? Prehaps...

A car pulled up into the abandoned gravel road. I could see him approach, the hood of his jacket pulled down over dark hair and an even darker frown.

I stood hidden from sight, drifting amongst the trees, feeling the night wind ripple though my hair. The man stood as sharp as flint by the car, strong hands gripping a long oak staff. There where voices, muffled by the sharp wind, an exchange of information though a half rolled car window. Money and angry voices, men yelling obscenities, mysterious white packages slotted though car windows.

I stood waiting, as patient as I could be but the cold was beginning to bite into my face, nibbling though my gloves into my soft flesh like vivacious little piranhas. My task was to be silent, to stay out of the picture, I was never very good at staying silent. I heard the sound of an engine roaring, tires pulling back on the gravel, headlight beams fading into the distance. I slid out of the shadows into the moonlight and moved closer.

He stood there. I could feel the air grow icy as I moved closer. My breath turned to frost before me, the pale white slithering into the darkness. My whole body shook, my heart beating against my cheast like sneakers in a tumble drier.

"Wolfie..." I muttered, frost spewing out of my mouth.
"I thought I ordered you to stay back," he snarled rabidly, staring intently into the distance. I stepped back, my shoes sliding over the gravel. I could hear his feet move. Feel his hand grab by thin shoulder gripping me tight, pulling me back towards the trees. I heard the rustle of keys in a crowded pocket. The *blink* of a motor bike alarm, the orange flash of lights issuing from the motorbike, hidden under the trees.

“Move it," he hissed, pushing me harder, his strong vice grip crushing my thin shoulders. I groaned, nearly tripping over my own feet. He drove me forward, shoving a large heavy helmet violently on my head.

"I said move it! We have to get out of here fast!"
"But why? You said you where just meeting with an old friend."
"Ugh, just shut up and get on the bike, the sound of your voice makes me want to shoot myself in the head," he snarled, I felt hands reach for my waist, gripping so tight I couldm’t breath. He lifted me up, placing me, like a broken rag doll onto the back of the sleek black Harvey Davison. I squirmed, sick. I could feel his cool breath brush against the nape of my neck, like tiny little spiders crawling up into my mind sending chills down my spine,

"Let mee go..."
" SHUT UP!"
His body froze with anger, so tense that he could explode any second. I stopped moving, letting him place me on the bike. Silent seconds past, before he began to breathe again, slinging long legs over the shining metal frame. I heard the engine growl under me, vibrating with rage, a cadged beast ready to kill. I gripped his torso and prepared my self for a wild, wild ride.

The engine roared, gravel flying into the air. I felt the acceleration pull my body forwards, my heart lurching as the whole world began to blur. His large hands gripped the throttle. I gagged as we launched forward, dirty flying into my face. The trees leaned forward, branches like disemboweled limbs moving closer as we hurtled past. We hit the bitumen with a thump, my body shaking. I saw the speedometer flicker, going higher, higher and higher. Sharp wind like syringes blew against my hands. Soon the trees thinned segueing to form tattered homesteads. The glowing cat’s-eyes became one endless bright line as the beams from the head lights hit their reflective surfaces.

Wolfie had ridden out far. He didn't want his 'friend' to know where we lived, the place we called home. Soon enough the began homesteads became warehouses and the road segued into a highway.

I turned my head, looking back into the street light distance. A black car, sleek and fast, prowled out from a corner. I felt cold. I whispered his name and held on tighter.

He turned his head back

"Get ready to fight," he growled as we spun to a stop. I could feel my dinner sloshing around my stomach. A staff appeared materialized in his hands. I screamed, as he charged.
Stay gold, Ponyboy - S.E. Hinton




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nice...this is the first time reading a fantasy which takes my attention




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Believe it or not I could not find a single thing wrong with this. It's an awsome piece. I loved the prolog but I wanted to at least get the first chapter. I understand the problem about writing it over and over. I do it so many times it's crazy. What I do is imagen that it's a movie. Picture the characters, the setting and go over every possible detail. Then just put it into words. You'll probably rewrite it several times before you get it where you want it but it's a good process because you may think of something you can use for another story.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.




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Hi Jennya! So I'm finishing up the review now. The main thing I like about this story you have going is the flow. I'm not sure what the actual technical term is for it, but the flow is very passive. Haha does that make sense? Anyway, that's the number one thing I like about this piece because I just really like reading this style of writing. So here's the body of the review:


I have an issue with writing hundreds of first chapters for this novel, this is my latest attempt. A little flowery but I think its okay.


In order to avoid confusion, I'd put this in spoiler tags. It doesn't have anything to do with your actual story, just a posting tip. ;)

It was dark, the night; cold, bitter and unforgiving.


So one thing I noticed throughout the entire piece is that you use a lot of commas. I just reviewed another piece that had the same thing going, except there was a difference: using more commas fits with the tone and mood of this story! However, I think it would be better here to put a semicolon to avoid confusion. It looks like 'the night' is in the same list as all of the adjectives, but it's not. Your readers will likely figure that out after thinking about it for a moment, but that's the thing: you don't want us thinking about sentence structure. So just something to bear in mind.

He looked up into the moon, a silver galleon raising though a stormy silver sea, a bad omen? Prehaps[/color]...


First off, you misspelled 'perhaps'. People misspell things all the time, so just make sure before you submit anything that you proofread it or use the 'spell check', though I have no idea where the button is.

Second, the comma usage here just seems off. Maybe not even the comma usage, it's really just the sentence. I can think of no suggestions, but I think that it has to do with the ', a bad omen?'. It feels like that should be separate but I'm not sure if that means semicolon, dash, another sentence or what.

I stood waiting, as patient as I could be, but the cold was beginning to bite into my face, and nibbling though my gloves into my soft flesh like vivacious little piranhas.


I feel like this sentence is just kind of long and awkward. I color coded a few suggestions up there, but I'm going to recommend you change the entire sentence into something more non-listy? Is that a usable term? Maybe something like "I stood waiting as patiently as possible but the cold was beginning to bite into my toes, it was nibbling through my gloves and into my soft flesh like vivacious little piranhas."

My task was to be silent, to stay out of the picture, I was never very good at staying silent.


I think a period would be better here. Possibly a dash or a semicolon though.

I think that I've covered everything I wanted to. There are other mistakes in there such as spelling, grammar and such, but if you read through it a couple of times then you'll find them. There are also some other things that I didn't mention because it's the same type of thing that I already did mention. For example: I saw a few instances where you could have done without a comma, or a couple of instances where I thought that the sentence should just be reworded. Once again though, a careful read-through or two should be enough to spot them!

I really like this piece! That's why I had to do my partial review now instead of waiting haha! Plus, most of the reviews anyone gets on their pieces has a lot of bias and opinion in it. So take advice and try it out, but if it doesn't work for you then just put it aside until a time comes when you want to try it again! Does that make sense?

So in conclusion, I really like this! It is definitely rough around the edges but it has pretty good potential.

Keep Writing!
~HP
"I can't afford a teddy bear, so I sleep with this contact solution."


Taran: He will not succeed in this. Somehow, we must find a way to escape. We dare not lose hope.

Fflewddur: I agree absolutely, your general idea is excellent; it's only the details that are lacking.



pain is that feeling when you are feeling hurt, but it never goes away leaving me hurt. oh it hurts.
— Dragonthorn