The Black Coats-1

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1457
Reviews 42
Helen
The cupboard was bare, that was the first thing I noticed. Someone had been at this safe house recently and none of the resistance had been to replace the provisions, this was bad news. I collapsed down onto the chair and sighed, holding my head in my hands. My eyes fixed themselves onto the old wooden table, I noticed carvings had been made. “Justice and freedom are not luxuries but rights,”, my hand followed the message, caressing each shallowly cut letter. Yet the words seemed just as shallow now, how much I would give to be able to take my baby and husband back home. Why, why did I have to fight and open my mouth? My eyes started to fill with tears.
“Baby, did you find any food.” Peter called from the other room. I quickly wiped my eyes and stood up, taking a deep breath.
“No, but I’m sure someone will be here with some soon, they stock up as often as they can.” I smiled and reached for Cillian, “see the hole that mummy has dragged us too.” I said as I looked around the dank, dark and stinking room. “This is what comes of principle, Cill. Never speak up, because it’ll mean you’ll have to live like a rat.”
“Helen, don’t” pleaded Peter. I looked at him. His eyes begged me to be strong. “You’ll have to go out and steal something hun, my face is to recognisable. He nodded and kissed me one the cheek.
“I’ll be back soon.”
“Remember to get some formula for Cill” He shouted Ok and left. I settled on to the damp green sofa and looked around me. God I had really screwed things up.

Harry
We were both tying up the boots on our uniform in the clean and clinical changing room’s of the black coats. I glanced at Billy as he stood up and dusted down his pride and joy, the black coat emblazed with the Captains rank.
“Where are you sending yours today Bill?” I asked, mostly just to acknowledge his presence.
“Davent quarter and then onto Moss Bank.” He answered, citing two places that had recently seen quite regular resistance. I exhaled sympathetic, puffing out my cheeks and stood up myself, putting on my own black coat, only different from Bill’s because it carried the Silent, badge not the captains.
“Drew the short straw on that didn’t you?”
Bill looked up at me with a strange look “Did I hell, I asked for them.” He then smiled, “what’s the point of being a black coat if your not going to fight the resistance? “ With that he left, and I looked down at my target. This was really fighting the resistance, Helen Brookes, husband and one son. She had spoken out and now it was Harry’s job to find her and bring her in. He smiled to himself and left, ready to make a difference once again.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 580
Reviews 70
Helen

The cupboard was bare, that was the first thing I noticed. Someone had been at this safe house recently and none of the resistance had been to replace the provisions, this was bad news. I collapsed down onto the chair and sighed, holding my head in my hands. My eyes fixed themselves onto the old wooden table, I noticed carvings had been made. “Justice and freedom are not luxuries but rights,”, my hand followed the message, caressing each shallowly cut letter. Yet the words seemed just as shallow now, how much I would give to be able to take my baby and husband back home. Why, why did I have to fight and open my mouth? My eyes started to fill with tears.

“Baby, did you find any food.” Peter called from the other room. I quickly wiped my eyes and stood up, taking a deep breath.

“No, but I’m sure someone will be here with some soon, they stock up as often as they can.” I smiled and reached for Cillian, “see the hole that mummy has dragged us too.” I said as I looked around the dank, dark and stinking room. “This is what comes of principle, Cill. Never speak up, because it’ll mean you’ll have to live like a rat.”

“Helen, don’t” pleaded Peter. I looked at him. His eyes begged me to be strong. “You’ll have to go out and steal something hun, my face is to recognisable. He nodded and kissed me one the cheek.

“I’ll be back soon.”

“Remember to get some formula for Cill” He shouted Ok and left I'm not sure what the grammatically correct way to put this would be, but it's not this. I settled on to the damp green sofa and looked around me. God I had really screwed things up.


Harry

We were both tying up the boots on our uniform in the clean and clinical changing room’s of the black coats.This is awkward wording for this sentence, even now reading it I don't quite understand fully what you want to say here. That "We were both tying up the boots on our uniform in the clinical changing room's of the black coats.(?) Fix that as needed I glanced at Billy as he stood up and dusted down his pride and joy, the black coat emblazed with the Captains rank.

“Where are you sending yours today Bill?” I asked, mostly just to acknowledge his presence.

“Davent quarter and then onto Moss Bank.” He answered, citing two places that had recently seen quite regular resistance. I exhaled sympathetic, puffing out my cheeks and stood up myself, putting on my own black coat, only different from Bill’s because it carried the Silent, badge not the captains. I'm guessing the comma is in the wrong spot? "carried the Silent badge, not the Captains

“Drew the short straw on that didn’t you?”

Bill looked up at me with a strange look “Did I hell, I asked for them.” Again, this confused me. I'm not sure what you are trying to say at the first part where he says "Did I hell." Might just be a typo, either way defiantly needs correctingHe then smiled, “what'sCapitalize of course, probably just overlooked itthe point of being a black coat if your not going to fight the resistance? “ With that he left, and I looked down at my target. This was really fighting the resistance, Helen Brookes, husband and one son. She had spoken out and now it was Harry’s job to find her and bring her in. He smiled to himself and left, ready to make a difference once again.



Overall, I did like it. I can see where the story is going. You did some nice writing but just wrote some really confusing sentences that made little to no sense. Some of them seemed like typos, while others didn't. Just keep an eye on that and proofread aloud before you post if you can remember too! Good job though! Keep writing.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1098
Reviews 64
Interesting chapter for your first one. I will agree that there were some sentences that didn't make much sense but you can fix them easily. For your first chapter, I can tell where it's going and I'm very interested in what happens next.
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 850
Reviews 56
Heya,
I think that you need to go back and re-read things, change Grammatical errors. This is the thing that really frustrates me about this story because it can be really good if you just sorted the silly mistakes out! Grammar isn't only Grammar its they way people read things of the page. You'll be surprised how much of the story line goes out the window because the Grammar isn't good enough! The story itself is good and has the possibility to be great if only from those silly mistakes! Other than that it was good, i found it good, just practice Grammar! Please x
Love,
Evenslily x
Write and Smile people! X



I *do* like flipping tables.
— Faye Whitaker, Questionable Content