Hellhound-Chapter 1

I ran from school as fast as I could. Stupid, stupid, stupid!! How could I let myself stay this late? I could feel the tingling that always start before the Changing. I scratched my skin as I ran, almost falling over. I never did get used to the feeling of little fingers tickling my skin. I crashed through the trees, through the plants that hid the forest floor from my sight. As I ran, I felt my bones begin to shift and grind against each other. I dropped to all fours, my legs lengthening and my rib cage expanding. Black fur appeared all over my skin and my clothes ripped, as my muscles pushed against them. I had stopped running and was waiting for the Changing to stop. It finally stopped and looked at myself, the giant paws, the thick black fur, a towering nine feet tall.

I shook my furry hide and listened to the familiar chatter of the birds. A male bluebird trilled, "What is that big hairy creature? Do know Arida?" The bird that he had identified as Arida chirped, "No, I've never seen anything like it. It's horrible!" I turned toward them and said, "I can hear you!!" They jumped off their branch and took to the air, saying, "What an awful creature! He has no respect!" I grinned. Birds are so fun to tease, because they are so vain. They make fun of other creatures and when we try to catch them, they flee, shouting insults.

I started to run again, toward my cave. One of the things that I am so amazed at when I am a hellhound, is my ability to smell. I could smell the difference between the trees and I could tell which animals had crossed this path. Right now, the air smelled of pine and deer. That deer would make a good dinner tonight. I kept running until I started to smell my scent. It hung in layers around my cave. I was good at keeping other creatures away from my stuff, so I didn't find a lizard in my shoe when I changed back into a human.

My cave was divided into two sections. Hellhound and human. My human side had stuff that I had "gathered" throughout the years, including a beanbag, a desk chair, a few rocks and a wood board, that I used as a desk, a rug, and a box of various things lke soap, shampoo and toothbrush. On the hellhound side, I had a big piece of carpet that was filthy, covered with mud and some dried blood. I flopped on my rug, trying to ignore that pains of hunger that were building in my stomach. That's a long story.

After I got changed to a hellhound, I had to learn the rules the hard way. Rule one, never let anyone see you Change. I was really little when I Changed for the first time and I didn't think about what would happen if I Changed in front of someone. It turns out that they run away screaming and get someone to come look. That person freaks out and calls Animal Control. Animal control takes you to the pound, planning to sell you to some scientist to cut you into little pieces. You rip through the wire and scare everyone to death when you run away.

Rule two, stay away from people when you are a hellhound. The desire to feed is almost too great. See, hellhounds feed on blood and will. Let me explain. When humans are dying, they try really, really hard to stay alive. They have a will to live. I can feed on that, or I can feed on their blood. The delicious red liquid that oozes from their veins. (Oh, no. I just drooled everywere.)

Rule three, you have to feed. I have tried not to feed. I have tried to feed on animals. It just doesn't work. Hellhounds need human blood, or will to live. If I don't eat anything, my hellhound instincts will take over and I will go kill someone, to get food. And I can't do that. I just can't. I'm not a murderer.

I laid on my bed for a minute, but I was too antsy to stay there. So I got up and ran to the river. I dove into the cold water, washing the depressing thoughts from my head. I paddled around for a minute, then dragged myself out and shook my coat to get rid of all the extra water. Then, I set to catching that deer. I ran through the trees tracking its scent. This deer had dwadled along all day, eating here, pooping there, eating again, ect. It's scent got stronger and I sped up.

I saw the deer through the trees and crashed towards it. It was a beautiful young buck, one of the biggest that I had ever seen in this forest. He started to run across the forest floor, and at a fair speed, too. This would be a good one. I ran after him, quickly catching up to him. Hellhounds can reach speeds faster that 80 mph, and can out run almost any natural thing. I played with the buck, snapping at his tail and his hooves. He was so startled, he ran into a tree and sunk to the ground. I nudged him with my muzzle and he looked up to my with baleful, fearful eyes. I spared him the mercy of a quick death and snapped his neck with one swipe of my paw.

I sunk my teeth deep into his flesh, tearing a large chunk out of him. The wonderful taste of blood filled my mouth and I savored its delicate flavor. The smell and taste of the bucks blood intoxicated my senses and I quickly finished him off. I licked my paws, trying to reach every last drop of delicious blood. I silently moved on, back to the river, and looked at my reflection. The reflection of the monster that, from necessity, I had become.

Spoiler

Do you think that 12+ is the right rating? If not, please comment.

Let me first start with what I liked. The concept of a hellhound is so interesting, and I like that you are trying a new take on a monster that isn't well known. I liked your word choice. I wasn't jarred out of the action by it, but it didn't seem too contrived. I liked that the character had conscience; he acknowledged his mistakes, he doesn't want to be a monster, et cetera.

Now for my advice. Imagine how it feels to go through what this boy goes through every single day. His bones are literally moving and stretching, fur is bristling all over his body, and it is itchy and rough. He can't get too close to those around him because he endangers them, because of his curse, he is forced to take the lives of other innocent people. Don't be afraid to explore that. Use words to show all of these things in your writing. Also, I'm interested to hear more about the implications of being a hellhound. Is there some sort of deal with Hades involved? How did he get this way? Are hellhounds and werewolves one and the same? The character states that he must feed on humans to survive, so how long can he go with only eating deer?

It would be great for you to also show ties to mythology and what is known about hellhounds, and how the myths have evolved around the creature that he has become. You could work some interesting allusions in there.

I'm excited to see what you do with this story in the future! Great work, keep going.

Hello, Xreigon.

First thing I'd like to say is, I like the concept of the hellhound. That's really unique.

As for the story, its good so far. You've opened with an attention grabbing moment, and ended with questions.

The writing however, I shall point out the things I spotted.

Your paragraphs are too long, break at awkward spots and divide a lot of the linked information.
Secondly, when writing first person there is always the issue of overusing I. Which is what you have done. I'll make my point by showing just how many I's you used in the first paragraph.

I ran from school as fast as I could. Stupid, stupid, stupid!! How could I let myself stay this late? I could feel the tingling that always start before the Changing. I scratched my skin as I ran, almost falling over. I never did get used to the feeling of little fingers tickling my skin. I crashed through the trees, through the plants that hid the forest floor from my sight. As I ran, I felt my bones begin to shift and grind against each other. I dropped to all fours, my legs lengthening and my rib cage expanding. Black fur appeared all over my skin and my clothes ripped, as my muscles pushed against them. I had stopped running and was waiting for the Changing to stop. It finally stopped and looked at myself, the giant paws, the thick black fur, a towering nine feet tall.

That's a total of 12, if I counted right and didn't miss any. Too many. Also, there's not much variation between your sentence beginners. The first four sentences all begin with, I ...
That is too much repetition. If you play around with the sentences you can easily begin with with something other than I.

But anyway, that's just my opinion. Hope it helps in some way.

Hello! My name is Hawk and I'm here to review.

I like the originality of this concept, and I have to admit I'm relieved that this isn't a werewolf story. It seems like you're planning on keeping it different from those paranormal romances, which is a good change.

You've got a pretty good narrating voice; it sounds very down-to-earth and average, and yet you're relating all of these horrific details regarding his life and the changes he has to adapt to. The part with the birds was great, I liked the way you built in that bit of humor while also giving us something new to think about.

Now, there are some places where you could slow down the pace of your story and give a little more detail, especially regarding what he's thinking and feeling. We're seeing this story through his eyes, so it's important that we pick up on everything that he notices. A way to think about writing this is by using your five senses: What does he hear? See? Smell? You know how it goes. This is something I do and it helps give a sense of spatial awareness and a good image of the surroundings. That being said, don't go too overboard in your descriptions, because that can do the opposite and really slow down your story to a crawling pace, which is also not good since people tend to lose interest. It's a balance, really, and the way to get the hang of it is by lots of experimental writing. Also, taking a look at some of your favorite books and noting the way they describe their surroundings is a good way to pick up tips.

One more thing I'd like to say is: show, don't tell. Now, this is something a lot of writers (including yours truly!) struggle with. This post is really good at explaining what it is and how to fix it. Using imagery, like I just explained in the previous paragraph, is a pretty good way to show what's going on. Watch how many times you use "I"; in first person, it can be kind of tricky cutting down that single letter, but it's a good idea to do so, since it tones down the repetitiveness in your story.

All right! So that's all I've got to say. Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot. I'm interested in seeing where you're taking this.

Cheers!
~Hawk