Hellhound-Prologue

It all started with a bite. What a weird way to start a story. I can’t remember the details, but I do remember the big black beast that burst from the trees. Most everything is blurry, but I remember when it turned to me and bit my arm. Not hard enough to bite it off, but enough to make my blood run. The beast turned to me and said, “I will not eat you, but I have given you the Curse. You will now become a hellhound for twelve hours every day, from five to five. You can now understand the language of the animals and you shall be an offspring of the Curse and of the humans.” The beast then looked up at the sky and howled, “I have done it! I gave the Curse! Now take me!” I jumped back as the beast suddenly burst into flames and was consumed.

I am Ashton, the seventeen-year-old hellhound and this is my story.

Spoiler

Sorry, its really short. This is a beginning of a story that I wrote a while back and I just decided that I would start writing it again. I would love some feedback and I will try to post the next part as soon as possible.

I will say I like the idea of the story, something involving hellhounds is interesting. I mean, normally hellhounds are simply demons people use as monsters to kill, so this is an interesting way to look at it. However, your plot progression kind of ruined it for me, as well as other things. This story felt like you didn't think things through at all.

First of all, I get it, you wanted to put a new take on a monster. Great, amazing, awesome. Here's the thing. You seemed to completely ignore the mythos of what a hellhound is. It felt like you took a werewolf, changed the name and turning schedule, then made it your character.

Second of all, I understand this is a prologue, it's there to set the scene, to set up the story. However your character's backstory is completely unbelievable. First of all, how old was he when he was given the curse? From what I can tell, maybe 4, 5?
So why was he wandering alone in the forest? He had to have had a home, it's pretty impossible/extraordinarily unlikely for a human baby to survive alone in a forest till they can walk. He had to have a home, even if it was an orphanage. And I can tell you right now, unless he had seriously neglectful guardians, people just don't let very small children walk alone in a forest.

And what kind of sociopath puts a curse on a kid that age? He's lived with it, he knows how much it damages a life, he couldn't give the curse to an older person? How on earth did he expect the kid to live with that for the rest of his life?

Then the kid wanders around after being bitten by a beast until someone finds him. I can understand him being distraught and all, but they don't ask him where he lives or if he has guardians? They just randomly assume he's an orphan, then take him to an orphanage.

Then said orphanage throws him out because he is a hellhound. Now, unless this kind of thing is really, really common, and apparently people with hellhoundism are all over the place, nobody would just throw out a four or 5 year old based on that. We don't live in the 6th century, we don't throw small children out of homes because of defects. This orphanage probably would have called a social worker/police/animal control. There probably would have been a big news scandal. Scientists would have come in. At the very least they would have kept him to see if was a fluke.

But lets assume there is a reasonable explaination for all this so far. They just throw a 4 or 5 year old out on the street. Again, how does a kid survive till 7 or 8? I'm guessing he had a repeat of the orphanagae situation a lot. So then he runs to this cave and decides he wants to go to school. Now, how many 8 year olds want to go to school? And not only that, but this kid, who is essentially a feral child, knows what school is?

But again, I'm assuming a logical explaination. He steals enough money to go to school. You know how much it takes to go to school? He'd have to buy a lot of clothes, because he sure as heck ain't washing them in a cave. That's about a 100 bucks right there. Then school supplies, let's say that's another 50 right there. So he steals a 150 dollars from somewhere. Where do you find that kind of money just laying around? Then he goes to a store and buys what he needs. Does nobody notice him? nobody cares that some dirty 8 year old child is running around with a 150 dollars?

The list goes on and on, about things, but I'm gonna stop here. I've pointed out a lot of plot holes in your story. Again, I think you have an interesting premise. But it's really clear you didn't think things through. I'm not saying you need to totally rewrite this (though it would help) but take what I've said here. Think your story, and your characters, through more before you try to write, otherwise it ends up looking like this.

Hello,

This was interesting and a good concept, but it does need work.

Xreigon wrote:It all started with a bite. What a weird way to start a story. I can’t remember the details, I don't remember much,but I do remember the big black beast that burst from the treeshurtling from the bush. Most eEverything iswas blurry, but I remember whenthe moment it turned to me and bit my arm. Not hard enough to bite it off, but enough to makeit made my blood run. The beast turned to me and saidspoke,
(paragraph break.)
“I will not eat you, but I have given youyou havethe Curse. You will now become a hellhound for twelve hours every day, from five to five. You can now understand the language of the animals and you shall be an offspring of the Curse and of the humans.” The beast then looked up at the sky and howled, “I have done it! I gave the Curse! Now take me!” I jumped back as the beast suddenly burst into flames and was consumed.

I am Ashton, the seventeen-year-old hellhound and this is my story.

Okay quick notes.

- The dialogue, make it cryptic. It explains too much when really you need to foreshadow the coming story.
- Show don't tell. You need to show us more, from the start you explain every detail with precision, but not in a way that evokes an image.
- You need to make this a little longer. This is a prologue, so the length isn't strictly defined, but you cram the defining moment of your novel into just a few hundred words. Afford yourself a little more time to really play out the scene.
- The closing line is too cliche, I mean if you find yourself typing 'This is my story.' Pull out a rock hammer and pull it down as hard as you can on the back of your hand, so it never happens again.

JP

Spoiler

I just want to say that I really love the idea that this is how someone is made INTO a hell hound. I mean if you do write more i will definitely be reviewing and reading it

Any changes that are made (suggested) are in blue


It all started with a bite. It's a weird way to start a story, i know. I can’t remember the details, but I do remember the big black beast that burst from the trees. Everything was blurry, but I remember when it turned to me and bit my arm. Not hard enough to bite it off, but enough to make my blood run. The beast turned to me and said, “I will not eat you, but I have given you the Curse. You will now become a hell hound for twelve hours every day, from dawn to dusk. You can now understand the language of the animals and you shall be an offspring of the Curse, and of man.” The beast then looked up at the sky and howled, “I have done it! I gave the Curse! Now take me!” I jumped back as the beast suddenly burst into flames, and was consumed.

I am Ashton, the seventeen-year-old hell hound and this is my story.

This is pretty amazing!!!!

Interesting. I like how you took a beginning that sounded like a generic vampire/werewolf story, and spun it into something else. I was thinking werewolves, but I like this better. You may want to vary your sentence structure a little more, though.

I really like this story. I wouldn't change anything save for a few gramatical errors, which, let's face it, everyone makes, and also the way the beast is talking. It seems really cliched, as though he's Dracula, and I read it with the image of Dracula hiding behind his cloak saying 'I vant to suck your blood'. <<< the tone of voice Dracula says that in is the way I image the beast talking. Maybe if you just reword it and make it sound more serious?
I think it's a really good beginning and I look forward to reading the rest.