This Godly Orphan. Chapter 1

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1713
Reviews 30
Spoiler
Warning! You are about to read a post by a horrible speller whose computer does not own a spell check. You were warned.





I guess it all really started on that one day. It was a while ago, and the appearance was very short. But non-the-less, it was the second Saturday in September when this story began. One of my fiends, Matthew, was leaving to deliver an important messege to a friend, and I was begging to come along.


"Come on, Matthew! Please? I haven't been out of camp for ages." I pleaded with my honey colored eyes.

Mattew shifted his weight from one hoof to another, looking unsure. That's right, I said hoof. And no, Matthew is not my pet goat, he's a Satyr, and at the moment, the target of my puppy-face. "Look, you can take it up with Chiron." He said, "But I gotta do whatever he goes by! I don't want to get introuble with Mr. D."

I didn't like that idea, I knew Chiron wouldn't be as easy to win over, but there was nothing else I could do.

You see, I've lived in Camp Half-Blood almost all of my life. Yep, that's right, I live in a camp. But when you're like me, you don't have much of a choice. Because when you're like me, you have one parent who's a mortal and one who is a god. A greek god. Crazy, right? Well that's the story of my life. A living myth. And right now I was so desperate that I was willing to risk my life. On what? A football game.

"Hey, Chiron?" I asked as I opened up the door do his study. Chiron was my teacher, coach, trainer, and over all parental guardian. And also second in charge at this camp.

At the sound of my voice, Chiron turned around and swished his tail, his body almost as long as the desk he was working at. Did I mention he was a centaur? "Yes, child?"

I started talking really fast, "Matthew is going out of camp to give a messege to a friend who is a protecter for a kid in a high-school in New York."

Chiron sighed, "Ashlin, I already-"

"And I haven't been out of camp in forever. And it's only a couple minutes away-"

"Ash-"

"And I've never been to a football game and I-"

"Ashlin!" Chiron raised his voice and I quickly shut my mouth. Chiron snorted (you know, like the sound a horse makes when it's getting impatient) and I sat down in the chair behind me. "I was going to say," He started with a stern look. "that that is an excellent idea."

My face instantly lit up and I jumped up and hugged Chiron's lower, furry body. "Thank you!"

He laughed, and then pulled me away and looked at me with his kind, but serious brown eyes. "But don't tell the other campers. I don't want this getting around. Imagine what that would be like. Every camper would want to get out of camp, and then where would we be?" He smiled and nicked my cheek with his finger. "Now, I trust you, be responsible. And watch over Matthew for me, would you?" He raised his eyebrows at me expectantly and I nodded solemnly. "Good, now go get ready. You don't want to be late for your first football game."

And ready, I got. I sprinted all of the way back to the cabins. When I got there, everyone was already lining up in front of their cabins for supper. There was a greek god for every cabin, and every cabin had its own personality. Zues, the king of the gods, had the biggest and finest cabin -of course- with marble pillers and a looming door way. On the other extreme, Hermes' cabin was small, wooden, and a dull green, but even that was hard to see because of all of the paint that was chipping off.

I walked up to my cabin, a radiant golden one, and pushed past my siblings who were gathering in the door-way. "Hey, where are you going, Ashlin?" One of my brothers called. All of us were only half siblings, but we lived in the same cabin.

"I, uh, Chiron gave me permission to skip out on supper. I'm not feeling well."

A few of them looked at me suspiciously, but thankfully Corbin, our cabin counciler, took charge. "Leave her alone, guys," he said, "if Chiron said she can skip, she can skip."

I prayed a quick blessing for Corbin, and ran inside. And I got busy. I dug through my drawers and found some black paint to paint strips on my face, I pulled out my wallet and managed to gather some USA dollor bills for buying food from the consution-stand, and even raided through my brothers' closets to find a jersy to wear. Finally I was ready and met Matthew at the top of Half-Blood hill.

"Wow, you look like you're going to be playing in the game instead of watching it," he said after looking at me.

"Shut up," I said and playfully punched his arm.

"Ouch," he rubbed his shoulder and looked at me with sad, goat eyes.

"Oh stop being a wouse," I laughed. "Come on," I called over my shoulder as I started down the hill, "lets go to a football game!"


The game was even better then I thought it could be. I ate and ate and ate. Hot-dogs and cheese-burgers and popcorn and a bunch of other junk food the nimphs would never let me eat. I even got Matthew to give me some of his money so that I could get a pretzel. I cheered at every touch down (no matter what team scored), and did all the crowd cheers that the cheer-leaders had us do. And looking at all of these people, I really wish that I could just be a normal teenager and have a normal life.

But Matthew brought me back to reality. "Hey, Ashlin," he whispered, nudging my elbow, "You see number 12? The one on our team? He's a cyclopes. I can smell him. And when he came close, I think I saw that he had only one eye."

From then on, I watched number 12 carefully and saw that he was right. But it was hard to tell, and it looked like it was just the trick of the eyes, especially with his helmet on, but I knew better.

The game was close, we even went into over-time, which Matthew explained is what the teams did when the score was a tie. They just kept playing until someone won. And apparently it was rare, so I guess I was lucky that I got to see my first, and only, football game went into over-time.

When the game was finally over, we stood up and I followed Matthew as he weaved through the crowd to find his friend.

Finally he said that he found him and I spotted a man about 20 years old who was smiling and waving at us. He had curly hair which was covered with a french beret, and a shirt that was splattered with paint. I was assuming that "Mr. La Vine" -as he introduced himself- was playing as an art teacher. You see, the elders of the grove send Satyrs, called "Protecters", out to different schools to sniff out any demigods that might be around, and protect them. So it was safe to assume that Mr. La Vine was a protecter at this school, and that the boy at his side was his "student" and the child he was protecting.

"So, Matthew, I see that you've managed to find us." Mr. La Vine, said with a beaming smile. He then turned to the boy and quietly said to him, "I have some buisness with these people. You can get back to the orphanage alright by yourself?" he said carefully, and I realized that this was a sore subject for the boy.

"Yeah, sure," the boy said, and Mr. La Vine beamed at him. "Good! I'll see you tomorrow."

He walked off and Matthew and the teacher grasped fore-arms. "So, what was my messege?"

Matthew smiled and got a far away look like he was pulling out a memory from his brain. "Your wife says to stay out of trouble and to keep your eyes off of the other nymphs or she will show you how else you can use your paints. She also says that she loves you and to keep safe and that she will have home-made black berry pie ready for you when you come home." Mr. La Vine closed his eyes happily as if he could already taste the pastry. "And she says that she is doing fine. And that she hopes you don't mind that you'll be coming home to a fat wife, because the baby is growing."

"Thank you, friend." Mr La Vine said, smiling.

And during all of this, I was just standing in the back ground, watching this scene. "Really," I whispered to Matthew, "we came all of this way, and the important messege was this?"

Matthew smiled, "yes," he whispered out of the side of his mouth. Then, turning his attention back to Mr. La Vine, he asked. "Did you notice that you have a cyclopes among your midst?"

He nodded, "I did."

"And have you determined his loyalty?"

"I haven't," the man said, looking worried. "But I'm keeping an eye on him," he assured us.

Now, you're probably wondering how two Satyrs can be standing in the middle of a football crowd, chatting, without anybody noticing. It's quite simply, really. They put on fake legs and feet, and then the cover them up with jeans and shoes. Like I said, simple, although Matthew tells me that it's uncomfortable. And they still have this cute little goat gait when they walk that fake legs can't cover up, so they normally carry around a cane or some kind of walker, or just go without and look like they're crippled.

"Well," Matthew was saying, "we had better get going. I have to get this girl back to camp." He pointed to me. I rolled my eyes. But we shook hands and Mr La Vine said thank you again, and we started heading back to the camp car.

And that was the end of that day. Back at camp, I went to my cabin and layed down, and dreamt of playing in football games, and going to prom, and having an art teacher.
Last edited by Dragonette on Mon Sep 19, 2011 9:59 pm, edited 5 times in total.
I'm a JESUS FREAK! (but you can call me a 'Jeek' if you want :D

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

You aren't an official writer unless you're at least slightly mad.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3549
Reviews 69
Hello, Dragonette.

When I read you made this the opening to your novel, and changed it to first person, I was taken aback.

It's one thing to change opening chapters and scenes, but to change it to first person as well, that's a big change to deal.

I spotted various spelling mistakes which I'll correct now.

And right now I was so desprite that I was willing to risk my life. Should be, desperate.

Did I mention he was a centure? Should be, Centaur.

As for this chapter, I fee like, after all that experience I understand camp is not like, pitching a tent in the woods and starting a fire, and the main character doesn't get to lead a normal life.

Though, I feel like by her going to sleep at the end of the chapter makes me think its all over and I don't need to read any more chapters.

Also, I have no idea why they're on a camp, why a cyclops was in a football game, why a Satyr can go into normal public, or what they do on camp. Is it a school, and training camp in one?

I picture 'Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief'. If that's what you're going for good, but you need to make it more unique I feel.

Just my opinion, anyways. Hope it helps. :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1218
Reviews 40
I agree with Butterfly18, you need to make it a smidgen more unique. How you'd do this I don't know, but I'm positive that you'll be able to do it. Now I noticed that you changed the character's name as well. Wasn't her name "Jordin" before, and now it's Ashlin or is Jordin another person? Could you explain that please? At this part:

. Zues, the king of the gods, had the biggest and finest cabin -of course- with marble pillers and a looming door way.


Zues is spelled Zeus. Just so that others who are really REALLY into Greek Gods. Other than that, you'r doing fabulous with this story. I look forward to reading more of it!

Deathcurrent
“Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.” -- Spock from Star Trek

"There's power in stories. That's all history is: the best tales. The ones that last. Might as well be mine."-- Varric Tethras from Dragon Age II




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1713
Reviews 30
Alright, thank you both so much :D I will think over what you guys said and make the apropriate decision :D Again, I appreciate your help.
I'm a JESUS FREAK! (but you can call me a 'Jeek' if you want :D

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

You aren't an official writer unless you're at least slightly mad.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7650
Reviews 147
Hey Dragonette. The checklist on the side of this reviewing block is glaring at me so I'll follow its orders:

My General Impression is that this was a beautifully paced piece of work, and that you wrote it well and it's ending was simple and effective. It showed off your writing skills well and was pleasant. I'm a Percy Jackson fan, by the way. Now, the previous reviewers weren't happy with your ending, but I don't think it's that bad actually. First of all, this a fanfic so people are bound to read the next chapter for the sake of it - another Percy Jackson story! Don't worry too much about killing somebody in the first chapter if you're not up for it just yet. But I don't think you can ignore what they were saying... you can't just end it. It's too apparent. There's nothing wrong with a calm ending, but you have to give an impression that there's more to come. It seems your MC really just wants to be normal. Is this going to be the main plot of the book? That would be stellar... if she wanted to rebuke her godliness. You could think of a thousand plots for that. If so, than hammer away at that being normal thing (make sure you're not whining though!) if you have another plot, introduce it as a theme. Your first chapter should be an event which is a forbearer for the entire story arc.

I recommend you check out some of the other Percy Jackson fanfics, some people have done really good jobs. I agree with the above sentiment that this isn't that unique. Not the storyline or the setting - it's a fanfic it's not going to be unique! But the writing style. Your character seems intriguing, but after a while even Riordan's tone of voice can get slightly annoying. No, you can never just rattle off something like a centaur without explaining a bit, but try and find your natural tone. BTW, your tone should fit the mood and theme of your story. Is this going to be a dark tragedy? Make your MCs voice friendly and inviting! (I don't know, you have artistic license. But make sure your tone is interesting and make sure you show and not tell)

I have a compliment for you though. It was what I first said. This whole piece is perfectly complete. It's a rounded circle with but even the smallest edge smoothed out. If you really want to write a good story arc, then I suggest you don't go for a novel - that's really tough. Try a much shorter something, maybe even just eight chapters. And then write out a summary or synopsis like one Wikipedia's (usually well constructed). Try and write out the entire storyline in the same completeness and wholeness of this piece. In the end everything is clear and we've been taken on an adventure. And then work on the individual chapters not as individual chapters. Rather, just as sections of the storyline. You don't have to have some dramatic something at the end of each chapter, but the storyline has to continue. We need to know that something is going to happen tomorrow morning and that it's related to what happened tonight.

Finally, good job. I liked it. Gave you a star because it truly is well written, just hope you can apply that to the whole novella. And I pray that you will write this novella. Come on, be the first Percy Jackson fanfic to complete!!!

God bless,
TheNewHero.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42906
Reviews 240
Hi Dragonette! Oh, I loved these books. :3 I'm glad that the main character in this fanfiction is a girl, to make things different.

I think you did a good job setting the scene in this chapter, and showing how life is for a half-blood. But, as the others said, I hope the storyline and characters will be still a bit different from Percy's story and friends. So far, everything seems pretty much the same, like how Percy and Ashlin's best friends are satyrs. I don't want to feel like I'm pretty much re-reading the same story over again; but, I have hope! You have a promising start here.

Remember to proofread and spellcheck! You have many minor errors in this piece.

Good luck. I'm looking forward to finding more about what the story is like in chapter 2-

Kae
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1713
Reviews 30
Hey, thanks for your guys' honest imput, and I'm sorry Kaedee, but I don't have a spell-check so I can't do that :/

But about being unique. I understand your concern and actually one of my goals in writing is to be as unique as possible. I despise cliche and try to make things as different as I can. And I promise you, this story will be VERY different from the origional Percy Jackson books. I know that's kind of hard to see when only reading the first chapter, but as I post more and as you read on, you will come to realize that.
Firstly, as Kaedee pointed out, my MC is a girl instead of a boy. Also, while the PJ books started off with Percy being new to the whole "camp half-blood" deal, Ashlin has been going there for years. And don't worry, Kaedee, Matthew is NOT her best friend. They aren't even really all that close, and you won't probably hear of him again, I just used him to get her to the football game.

But really, not to brag or anything, but I'm really proud of this story and I think you guys are going to really like it when I get into the action. I cannot wait to get to the good stuff and show you what I've got, but unfortionately novels can be quite a slow process in the beginning, and so we must indure it until the action kicks in :/

And yes, Hero, I was trying to give the impression that Ashlin's desire is to be normal. And actually (not to give anything away, but) this is one of the things that she will be tempted by when it matters most in the story. ;)
I'm a JESUS FREAK! (but you can call me a 'Jeek' if you want :D

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

You aren't an official writer unless you're at least slightly mad.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3549
Reviews 69
Oh I didn't realize this was fan fiction.
In that case, just disregard my review.

I don't generally review fan fiction or read it, I just find it strange.
People who write stories using the basis of someone else's story. Confusing to me.
I'm just into creating everything myself and making my writing unique on that basis.

I read fan fiction in the form of parodies as they're a comedic version of a popular story.
Like, the Star Wars episodes in Family Guy. Stewie is Darth Vader, Chris is Luke Skywalker, etc. That stuff I take to but fan fiction not so much. I think just the difference in one is comedic, the other not.

I think its a nice start though, as a story based on Percy Jackson and the Greek Gods and that.
And about the ending, I disagree with, Kaedee.
I've been working on writing novels for the last six years and the first and most important thing I've learnt about the content of the story is the chapter openings and endings. They all have to open with intrigue and make the reader read on, and close with questions and more intrigue and make the reader turn the page to the next chapter, not go to sleep and pick it back up in the morning, and maybe forget all about it.

But that's just my opinion. I do have more on that issue and various other things regarding content in novels and stories of any length really that have chapters posted on my blog. If you want you should check it out. I think it'd help you understand what I'm saying about the ending. The link's in my signature.

Hope this helps, Dragonette.
Best of luck. :)



The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin