nelipot

I broke my feet like the face of a mountain,
carved with paths and years spent walking;
churlish branches scratched at my face, overgrown,
scratching eyes, a nose, a mouth into the blank
slate that god gave me. I saw the skies, and wept.

across the face of a plain I swept skin across my muscles
like a painting. harvest moons, wheat, a north facing tree--
paints bought like winter stock and firewood.
splinters cut my hands, like clay,
and I burnt up the pines I've climbed.
they smelled of birth, and the ache of my bones
lapsed into the crackle of a fire.

I philosophize about why trees stay green.

wow, that's got the best sensory ever. You've got major skill. Also, you really make the trees come alive, I honestly thought it was a human for a while. I feel like this would make one amazing song if you could play guitar. I saw no mistakes, but I suck at grammar so I'm not the best judge of that C:. wow. Just, wow.
Love,
Little Lion Woman

This is stunning - absolutely stunning
You have amazing skill, even though you use no rhyme, it's very flowing, almost lyrical - and the way you wrote it felt like it was singing in my head.

I don't really know what to say about this - it's almost fantasy, but very down to earth, and so real in my head. And the last line is truly exquisite. Wow. This blew me away!

Hello Persy,

Lovely use of imagery. Afterwards, I had to google-search the title and the results left me this warm feeling of contentment. Kinda like a resonating (aha!) moment.

I broke my feet like the face of a mountain,

Okay, we all understand what it is you mean, but it's our own analysis that expresses it, not the words themselves.

What is it that is being compared to the mountain? You mean the feet themselves and how they're worn down. But the words are not saying this.

The words are saying that a subject+verb ("I broke") is comparative to a noun ("face of mountain")

You can try moving the words around or else use an additional verb with mountain. Something so that it reads:
"I broke my feet like a mountain is weathered"

OR

I broke my feet like the face of a mountain
is carved with paths and years spent walking; Well, that fixes it perfectly, doesn't it?
churlish branches scratched at my face, overgrown,
scratching eyes, a nose, a mouth into the blank
slate that god gave me. I saw the skies, and wept.

Beautiful passage here, but the third line is clumsy again. The object "overgrown" is describing face - you want it to describe the branches. So you can say, "churlish branches, overgrown, scratched at my face"

And if I'm reading it correctly, it shouldn't interfere with flow.

across the face of a plain, I swept skin across my muscles Not liking the repetitive "face of"
like a painting. harvest moons, wheat, a north facing tree--
paints bought like winter stock and firewood.
splinters cut my hands, like clay,
and I burnt up the pines I've climbed.
they smelled of birth, and the ache of my bones
lapsed into the crackle of a fire.

What happened here? Where did the grammar go? Capitalize the 'A' in 'across'? The 'h' in harvest? The 's' in splinter?
I cannot see a reason why you should all of a sudden ignore grammar rules, please enlighten me.

The third line is bold because it's another sentence structure like the first line in your first stanza.
"I cut" is compared to clay. No, you mean to say the hands are clay!

I philosophize about why trees stay green.

Interesting last lines. Leaves me thinking.

Here's what I got out of it: I like how you compared the speaker's experiences of walking down a path, getting his/her face scratched to that of god acting like a painter/sculptor. Similarly that the land itself is the "paint" and the speaker is the canvas. The part about climbing/burning pines kind of lost me.

Would love to know more about the piece. What inspired you and all that jazz. Keep up the writing.

~ As always, Audy