Borderlands

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3549
Reviews 69
Part One

‘She hears your cries when you are weak, waits until you fall asleep, and wipes the tears from your cheek.’
Hymn of Agathe.


First Chapter ~

Dragon skulls mounted the walls. Baring teeth, horned shadows loomed around the guests seated in the dining hall. Astrid watched a candle flicker before King Erik, casting his bulk onto hanging tapestries. Her heart skipped a beat as the iron doors clanged shut behind the scurrying kitchen maids.

Erik lifted a dragon’s horn to his lips and fixed his eyes on Astrid. “We have yet to hear word from our southern friends whether or not they accept you.” He took a sip of wine.

“You were once at war with the Mandiv’s,” Astrid said.

“A war that ended with truce,” the king’s confidant, Goran said.

“You know what is at stake if this unity does not happen.”

“I understand, father.”

“Your sisters are much fairer. You should be grateful.”

Astrid stared at her reflection in the wash basin beside her. She wished she repelled all men, and no barbarian scum could stand to look at it.

“She does not make my eyes bleed, Father, much,” Prince Arne smirked.

“Insult me while you can, brother. If I make the barbarian’s eyes bleed, it will result in a bloody war which you will have to fight.”

“You know, M’Lady, if you were to acquire ghastly scars from young dragon’s talons, surely no barbarian would accept you,” her first lady, Asa whispered.

Astrid shook her head. “I would be beheaded for being of no further use, as my mother was.”

“Sorry, M’Lady.”

Astrid frowned. “Your nonsense doesn’t grieve me. I have much else to worry about.”


***



Her surrogate mother used to read stories to her when she was young. She nestled her body into the folds of the soft fur blankets,tracing the leather book cover with her fingers.

The door squeaked open, and Asa crept in. She climbed into the bed next to Astrid and said, “It is cold tonight, M’Lady.”

“Yes,” Astrid whispered.

“Are you afraid to dream of the nightwalkers again?”

“No, but I wonder if Agathe will watch over me if I am sent to marry.”

“I will be watching over you, M’Lady.”

“You have always been by my side. Thank you, Asa.”

“It is a pleasure to serve you, M’Lady.”

***


She watched from her window as the gates were drawn open. A rider raced into King Erik’s walls, cloak flaying behind him. He pulled the reins taut, dismounted his steed and strode towards the castle entrance. Astrid raced from her chamber, through the corridor, and down a winding staircase.

Erik strode past, and Astrid pulled back into the darkness. She watched him turn a corner, and followed steps behind him to where he met the rider. Lingering in the shadows, she watched as the King unfurled parchment and read in silence.

“I am glad for your haste. This is great news.”

She held her breath and prayed in silence her worst nightmare would not come true.

“Astrid is to be married to the Barbarian Prince.”

Her heart sank, and dread consumed her.
Last edited by Butterfly18 on Sun Sep 18, 2011 9:57 am, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1332
Reviews 15
I thought it was good, but very, very brief. I don't see anything wrong from a grammatical or spelling perspective. It's just very hard to judge this work based on the small amount written here.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3549
Reviews 69
True, well I'l add the rest of the chapter to this post.
Hope you'll come back and read the rest of it and comment. :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3733
Reviews 1417
Hi there!

This is a really good start. I'm definitely intrigued by this and I want to know more. Just like HereBeMonsters (cool name!) said before me, there's no spelling or grammer errors I can find to comment on. You character is developed well, but I think you can do a little more with her. Sure, we know how she feels about getting married off, but we only know the surface of that. Dig deeper. Tell dus exactly why she doesn't want to be married off. Also, explain more about the nightwalkers. Why would your character be so scared to dream about them?

Overall this is a great start. You've definitely pulled me in and I can't wait to read the rest! PM me or post on my wall when you've added another chapter! Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

* * *

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

YWS is life




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1332
Reviews 15
Hi again,
From what you've added, I can only see a couple of spelling mistakes (At least I presume they're mistakes).
She watched from her window as the gates were drawn open. A rider raced into King Erik’s walls, cloak flaying behind him.

By 'walls' here I presume you mean 'halls', and I think you mean 'flying' when you say 'flaying'. Or at least I hope you do! :D

As for the complete chapter, as the previous poster mentioned, there are several unexplained concepts such as the nightwalkers (great name), and the religious figure, Agathe. I personally think adding things like that are effective as they keep me interested, and I don't mind if they're not explained immeadiately.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3549
Reviews 69
I meant walls. From her window she can see the boundaries of the castle where the gates are drawn open.

And I meant flay as in whip. Though I think I may change that to whipping, instead of flaying.

The nightwalkers play a role later in the story and I mention them in the following chapters, as well as make more references to Agathe, and the role she plays in Astrid's journey.

I didn't explain the concepts on purpose. I just wanted to bring them in slowly and in following chapters I give more and more information about those two concepts and others I have mentioned.

If I explained it all now, it'd be a massive info dump, which is not what I want to do to my readers.

I'm glad you liked it and thanks for the review. It's greatly appreciated. :)



Carpe Diem
— Catullus