The Massiveness of How Sad It Is to Want Someone (3.1)

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I know you're not concerned (much) about the likability of Levi, but I like him quite a lot. And I can sort of tell what you mean about him being a thinking person as opposed to a speaking person, and I think the dialogue skeletons around him won't be much of a problem as long as you continue to show him as a thinking person, because it would clearly be unnatural for him to have lots and lots of dialogue when he seems so uncomfortable when he's speaking, even to Elise. I wouldn't mind more thinking parts, actually. And maybe more description as well, because he seems like he might be quite an observant/perceptive character.

As for Elise I actually like her less than Levi. Not that I don't like her, though. I think it's just that this is clearly Levi's story and it can be difficult sometimes to get to know the non-first-person characters, does that make sense? This is the first part of your novel I have read so maybe I'd feel differently if I read all of it, though. But yeah, in this part she seems a bit empty and like she has no purpose/story line of her own. But again, I could be completely wrong because I haven't read anything else!

This is really good for a draft though, much better than I would have come up with in ten minutes. I wouldn't be too worried about character development, I think it will happen naturally as you write more / revise your drafts, and you don't want to force anything. Sorry if this didn't make sense at all, I'm really tired and rambly. x

Hola,


Nitpicky stuff:

thatoddkid wrote: Roads. His road. His house. Prison.

I thought he loved Zach? Why would his house be a prison?

thatoddkid wrote: bright fog

Um, that's kind of an oxymoron.

thatoddkid wrote: Sitting up, I rub my eyes

I thought he was in a car. How could he be lying down in a car?

thatoddkid wrote: It's all too clear why she's brought me with her.

Not to me. Is it because Elise felt that Levi would try to commit suicide again if she took him back to his house alone?

thatoddkid wrote: Outside of tinted windows, the sun shines mercilessly

It's still daytime?! Come on now, we've had Levi attempt suicide, Elise clean him, the ride to the hospital, the visit with Zach, the sobbing by the car and this all happened before sunset?!

thatoddkid wrote: "Levi? Are you okay?"

What a stupid question. As I just said, Levi's attempting suicide, saw the person he loves in a coma and had a sobbing fit. Obviously, he's not okay.

thatoddkid wrote: I press my thumb and forefinger against my eyes, as if they're buttons that might just reset the day.

I love this. There wasn't much imagery in this chapter and this was really the only shining example of your fantastic imagery.

thatoddkid wrote:The memory of perfection has been imprinted on my eyelids. Stoic and glossy, like a just-printed photograph. Welcoming facade ironic in comparison to its intimidating size. Placid colors pale in comparison to a rolling, vividly green lawn; large windows shining like bubbles, pristine white frames.

I have no idea what you're talking about here. Are you talking about Elise's house? But Levi's eyes are closed...so he can't even see it.

thatoddkid wrote:Elise is sitting in a circular chair, the rotating kind.

And where's the chair? In the hallway? In the bedroom?

I like the way you ended it.



~*~

Merrr. I liked this chapter but I feel as if nothing really happened in it. The plot didn't move at all and you basically, just repeated things that we already knew. Like, here I am thinking, 'oh yay, he's going to take the car keys and go somewhere interesting' then you end the chapter. -.-

Hmm, about Elise, I realize why I didn't like her much in the beginning is because she kind of bores me. Like, as Mars said, what does she do, except jump in and save Levi over and over? Does she have a story of her own? And honestly, who the hell is she to begin with? Is she Levi's friend or sister or cousin or ex-lover or what? I do like her being all maternally though.

I don't feel like you give us enough about your characters for us to really relate with them. We don't know any of their ages or where they live or what their ethnicity's are. We assume that they are either in or just got out of high school, since you mentioned Angel is on the football team, but I feel like you're giving us a random meal, without telling us what's in it. (Did that analogy make any sense? I'm not sure it did. xD) Other than very basic descriptions, we don't even know what these characters look like, what they're wearing, whether they have contacts or glasses or freckles. You have tons of imagery and metaphors but you have little to no descriptions, especially of the more important characters. You described Angel so well and we even know what Zach looks like but all I can remember of Levi is that he's thin and has brown hair. I don't remember anything about Elise or that other girl Jessica? Justine? I really think you should at least give us their ages though, because it seems really strange that we don't know how old the characters are. Hmm, I feel like Levi's 16 or 17; Elise is 18 or 19; Zach is in his early twenties; Angel is the same age as Elise and Justine is in her early twenties as well. Tell me if I'm even close via PM. :]

Levi. Oh Levi, Levi, Levi. I love this guy so much and I feel like he's the only character I sympathize with. I told you how I dislike how mopey he is, but it would be weird for him to be happy considering his boyfriend abused him and the guy he loves is a vegetable and he tried to freaking kill himself. However, I mentioned before that if you make this depressing and sad and melancholy the entire ride, you're going to have some of us jump out of the car. I'd really like the next flashback to be of something happy. I feel like we need an injection of happiness and I feel like Levi needs to remember something good before he tries to kill himself again.

You mentioned parents in this chapter, which got me thinking, erm, wtf, where are the adult figures in this? Levi is home alone when he tries to kill himself, Elise brings Levi to her house where the parents are again missing, Zach is in the freaking hospital, comatose and his parents are no where to be found. Again, we don't know the ages of these characters, so I have no idea any of these characters are actually adults. Regardless, they seem high-school/college aged and if anyone is in the hospital, their parents should be there. So, yeah.

I'm sorry this was so harsh and rambly. x{ I really liked this chapter and I love the conversation between Elise and Levi. You know how fantastic of a writer you are and it saddens me that you might not continue this for a while. Well. I'm expecting a PM. :}

~Jas