Crescent Moon Chapter 3

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Authors Note: Hi guys! As my first official "series book online" I just hope you like it! I really love feedback and tell me how i could make it better! Tell me what you would like to see! Thanks! -Neonwriter :smt110

I slammed the door open into hunters room to find him keeled over against his wrist. He hollered out in pain attempting to get up but collapsing again. I rushed over by his side and snatched his wrist out. It was a bite. A wolf bite. I staggered backwards and slammed against his closet my eyes fixated on his wrist. Who had done this?
"H-hunter c-calm down." I nervously choked out. He looked up at me and whimpered then shuttered as almost if he were going to change. My back was still up on the closet, terrified. My head spun with thoughts and ideas. I held it as if it were going to roll off if I didn't. I slightly un-peeled from the wall and bent down to help. I led him outside to the forest so, if he had to, he could change. He shuddered again and I backed away. The snow was pelting down now, snow piling on my shoulders. Serie appeared next to me and watched him quietly from afar.
"Boyfriend was bitten? But the wolf..I didn't realize it was one of us. Maybe.... It was Shaun." She managed to complete the sentence before Hunter wailed out in agony. I gave her a startled look and she shrugged, not knowing what else to say. I nodded indicating that I knew what she was getting at. Suddenly, Hunter shed his human skin and became a beautiful, powerful, majestic gray wolf. His green eyes stayed the same, everyones did. I jogged over and then became a wolf myself so I could lead him into a safe place in the forest. (The older wolves could change whenever we wanted, but we had to change every full moon with no control on it.) Serie watched us trot into the frozen over forest. Serie looked like she wanted to come too but she knew she couldn't with a new wolf. Snow stuck in clumps, outsiders on my black fur and continued to build. We scuttled deeper into the forest following faded tracks probably made by Dylan or the mystery wolf. A copper wolf crossed our path and sent me an image of Hunter beside me. I sent him another picture of Hunter in human form. He cocked his head and followed us silently like a ghost in the snow. As we traveled deeper into the forest the snow caught in the trees and slowed. I noticed a young girl skating on the ice that Serie had last night. I laid down on the ice and watched her. I knew she could see all three of us and I didn't care it was fun to watch her. She hadn't looked over at us and it had been almost half an hour now. I figured she must of been a pro at figure skating or something. She finally turned over and saw us. She stared for awhile but not at us, oh no. Something MUCH worse
We shall never forget 4-20-99




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wow this was really good. This was possibly my favorite one in the novel yet :D I also found something similar in our user names ;) but really awesome and alot of descreptive words i enjoyed it thanks for posting!

~Neonheadphones <3




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Hi there!

Well, I haven't read the other chapters, this being Review Day. But I shall give you my thoughts and comments on this one. Alright? Onwards, then.

I slammed the door open into huntersHunter's room to find him keeled over against his wrist How do you keel over the wrist? Say something like keeled over, clutching his wrist.... He hollered out in pain attempting to get up but collapsing again. I rushed over by his side and snatched his wrist out. It was a bite. A wolf bite. I staggered backwards and slammed
Slammed again in this teeny paragraph. Try to avoid repetition.
against his closet my eyes fixated on his wrist. Who had done this?


He looked up at me and whimpered then shutteredshuddered as almost if he were going to change


. Serie appeared next to me and watched him quietly from afar.
"Boyfriend was bitten? But the wolf..I didn't realize it was one of us. Maybe.... It was Shaun." She managed to complete the sentence before Hunter wailed out in agony.
This seems very abrupt. Throw in a bit more description and a little time to describe her entrance and your thoughts, perhaps?

Suddenly, Hunter shed his human skin and became a beautiful, powerful, majestic gray wolf. His green eyes stayed the same, everyones did
This is the single most important line that you can use to develop this chapter. Make it painful or not, make it a wonder to watch or not... but show it to the readers. We would like to know what it feels like for teh first time. That way we'll enjoy the story me. We need to see this as if we are watching a movie. That'll sound much better to read.

Plot: Mildly interesting story you have here. I'd have loved it if you managed to put in details where needed. To solidify the story in the readers' heads. And I like the cliffhanger. SO, good job on that!
Grammar : I noticed quite a few places with no/wrong punctuation and little oddities in phrasings. Just make sure you place your commas and periods properly and you'll be fine.

Keep writing!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.




Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon