Premeditation, Sin, Confession

Premeditation

contemplation
from inside soundproof walls
is safe.
nobody can enter here.
no video camera hidden
inside the soft folds of cranial tissue
no two-way mirrors
or leaky key holes in the skull.
a thousand sins
but no law enforcement.
the police cannot enter here
with screaming sirens and
bullet-proof vests.
nobody knows what is behind
the façade of perfect calm,
what thoughts are concealed behind
innocent mascaraed eyelashes.
only God can see what is behind
the bone gates,
and He won’t tell.


Sin

to do something wrong
feels deliciously right
and satisfactorily refreshing.
snatching contemplation
out of the hands of conscience
intent on throttling it
before the devil turns it to reality.
committing is perfect.
doing is excellent
and the aftermath is better.
now for the first time:
attention.
people watching, scorning, shunning.
but why does it matter?
they’re looking.


Confession

Father, I have sinned
and now I am sorry.
I have done wrong
and will bear the consequences
with humbleness.
but Father, I enjoyed every moment
and that makes it all the more wrong.
and Father, I have no regrets.
I thought about it,
and I did it,
and I loved it.
it felt right to do wrong, Father.
I am sorry that I have sinned,
but not that I did.

Hello sarebear,

This is an interesting piece. I particularly love the structure and the concept for it, it just needs a little polishing and some revision. I actually wonder why you chose to punctuate and not capitalize; generally it's either no punctuation/capitalization or grammatically all-the-way. I can't see what is gained from the middle ground.

That being said,

loved the first stanza. Actually, I think the first stanza stands out from all the rest - the other two are just weak in comparison. I think part of the reason is that the first stanza relies more on imagery, and that's what does it for me. Your images here, allowed me to directly experience "Premeditation". The two-way mirrors, leaky key-holes, and police imagery is particularly fantastic, because it sort of implies some sort of crime being plotted out without revealing a word of what it is. I see someone who is already thinking, already taking into account all sorts of security measures (video cameras, locked doors, police) while using these images to describe the security of her mind, while still creating this sense of "paranoia" (dunno if that was intentional or not, but I definitely felt it) which is central to this phase and part of the poem.

Loved the use of bone gates. So you started out real strong.

Then it gets weak. I would've appreciated the continued use of images, the rest is more telling. With "Sin" and "Confession" you have a lot of creative material to work with here. Psychologically when a person commits sin, it should be enticing, gripping. I didn't feel that here. I didn't feel any guilt either, which might be your intention, as later on you state (again, telling rather than showing) that the speaker is not sorry for what he did, yet he is sorry for having sinned. There needs to be more of a distinction then. Or at least a sense of two conflicting sides. The start of it "Father I have sinned...I'm sorry" just sounded hackneyed. I didn't believe it or even connect as a reader. The sin stanza itself eludes that the speaker is most happy about sin. Therefore, he can't really be sorry for sinning...?

I sort of understand where you're going with it. I understand what you mean by it. But you need to do a better job convincing. Part of that, comes through images Make us feel and experience it. Would've loved to know the motive.

Please work on this, I think it's an amazing start and definitely has potential ^^

~ As Always, Audy

I love the story line to this. I'm currently in school so I can't comment to much but I will when i get home. I will read all of it and comment fully but all I have to say now is don't forget to capitalize your first letters of every sentence. BUT I DO SOOO LOVE IT!!!