King of the Meadow

Flowers bow down
as the wind passes by,
tilting their petals
away
from the sky.
Grasses wave greetings
as it goes
past,
moving in waves
of shivering shafts.
Leaves that shudder
on spindling
trees
tremble with reverence,
rushing like seas.
Ponds that glimmered
like mirrors,
so still,
now shimmer with waves
as the wind drinks its fill.
The wind is king
of the meadows today,
as it sweeps the heat
of summer
away.

Good evening, creativity!

Before I get into the meat of this poem—grinding at the bones that will really help you get this piece to shine—I want you to read through it yourself. I want you to see what you can feel from the words, the phrases, and if you can feel yourself getting lost in what you’ve written.

Now, I have a lot to praise about this piece, but also a lot to critique. Let’s start off with your first image: flowers bowing down at the power of the wind. It’s a fantastic image that’s delicately constructed, and I want to praise you for it since you didn’t seem to sacrifice very much beauty for the sake of having a rhythm and rhyme. Now, since I’m a stickler about flow—ask anyone around—I’m going to bark a little about the frequency of your line breaks. Do you think you need so many? What if you didn’t break between “away” and “from the sky”? Would you lose anything? It’s always something very keen to keep in mind when constructing a poem with rhythm and rhyme—where will I put these delicate pieces, and will they affect the reader best in these places?

The way things are set up now, I don’t think you can answer the latter part of that question very well. See, with having the rhyme set off by itself, it’s almost like you’re shoving it into the reader’s throat, which is never a good idea. Make your words and phrases occur naturally. It makes your poetry so much more beautiful, and I’m certain that’s something you want.

Now, concerning your deeper meaning, which I consider to be essential to poetry, you seem to have an idea of time passing uncontrollably—moved by the wind, as it were. The loss of summertime. Wow, that brings thoughts to the reader’s mind, I’m sure. Thoughts of childhood and the fear of going back to school. And, for adults, the thought of the future. What will tomorrow bring? So while you leave this fairly open, it seems to work; but I wonder if it’ll work for your younger readers: the ones who will read this and just think it’s a pretty poem about the summertime and the wind.

Consider that while you revise. And pay attention to a few of your rhymes—there are a couple (rushing like seas / like mirrors so still) that feel forced and unnatural. So really spend some time with your work. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.

Thank you for sharing your talent with us, and contact me if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumi

That's amazing! It is simple just like the wind, flows perfectly and is extremely real.
I loved the part:

creativityrules wrote:Grasses wave greetings
as it goes
past,
moving in waves
of shivering shafts.

I don't have much to say, just wanted you to know I liked your your very very much!
Congratulations and let us hear from you again soon

It's an awesome poem! Just a few punctuation errors though...
- Angelreader77

I like it but i still do not get the title realtes to the poem but overall i think that your plot is quite inyeresting concuding to nature. I think that you should relate the title more to the story like add the title in the story bu ti still get the plot. If you have any questions then just leave them on my profile