The Expiration Date

There is a time in life, when everything must cease.
When life and it's breaths disappear with rapid ease.
The things that were, like our dreams become deceased.
Each breathe we took, its usefulness we overlooked.
In truth we told each countless lie -
In thoughtlessness causing broken hearts to cry.
Told we were to live each day like it were our last
Instead we lived each day like blast
In spite, on friends we turned,
On immorality our bodies yearned.
The day, the hour, the age unknown
THe end, its woes and visions foretold
What becomes of man on that day?
What becomes of you on that day?
From dust we came, to dust we shall return
The Expiration Date.

Hi Lindsay
I like this poem a lot although I do have a couple of suggestions, which will be bolded below.

There is a time in life, no comma when everything must cease.
When life and its breaths disappear with rapid ease. Sounds awkward - maybe 'life will disappear'?
The things that were, like our dreams become deceased. Doesn't make sense; do you mean things that were LIKE dreams? Why not just say 'our dreams'?
Each breath we took, its usefulness we overlooked. Usefulness sounds too clunky here, I think it has too many syllables. Also, the rhyme in this line is strange - it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem!
In truth we told each countless lie -
In thoughtlessness causing broken hearts to cry. Again, thoughtlessness sounds clunky! Is there another word you could use that would fit better?
Told we were to live each day like it was/is our last This line is too long and messes up the great rhythm that you had going!
Instead we lived each day like blast What does 'living each day like blast' mean?
In spite, on friends we turned,
For immorality our bodies yearned.
The day, the hour, the age unknown
The end, its woes and visions foretold
What becomes of man on that day?
What becomes of you on that day? I love these two lines! Best part of the poem.
From dust we came, to dust we shall return
The Expiration Date.

So there it is! It's a great start to a poem but I have one main complaint. I think the poem relies too much on rhyme. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme, and if the rhyme sounds forced, then it's better off not rhyming at all! Some of these rhymes sound very forced, especially took/overlooked and last/blast; and then sometimes the rhyme scheme seems totally chaotic like, again, took/overlooked, and the last part - unknown/foretold/day/day/return/date when it feels like you gave up on the rhyme scheme altogether! Again, poetry doesn't need to rhyme and when you edit this definitely definitely consider getting rid of or changing the rhyme scheme. Also, I find that sometimes if I'm editing a poem I know what it's supposed to sound like and I overlook mistakes with the rhythm. If that happens a good trick is to read the poem out loud a couple of times so you can hear how it sounds.

Hope this helped!
Carrie

Hello! I haven't got much to say, the first review was quite good, but I felt I should say something when I read the poem. Here we go.
This was a beautiful piece. I like the fact that you gave it a rhythm, it gives a genral flow to the poem. The poetic diction was easy to undertstand which made your voice ring out loud and clear. There wasn't much imagery, I feel if you had better descriptions and rhymes, you could have a better imagery. All in all, it was a good one and I'd love to see more of your work.