Simple Beauty

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arspoetica
Gender Male
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Thu Sep 15, 2011 3:29 am
arspoetica says... · Thu Sep 15, 2011 3:29 am
Leafs trickle all around her,
Twirling down their spiral paths.
She turns the page of her book,
Breathing the fresh nature air.
The only sound is the singing of birds,
Chirping their happy songs to each other.
Her eyes gaze up at the tree she leans upon
And watches the leaves fall.
One falls on her lap
Gracefully,
She lifts the leaf,
Carefully placing it in her book,
Then closes it
With the leaf safely insinde.

She lifts herself up,
Letting out a satisfied sigh,
A smile slowly appears on her face,
As she walks away from her quiet sanctuary.
The world goes silent as she walks,
Voices are nothing but whispers,
Car horns are nothing but mice.
The only sound is her whistle
Flowing sweetly all around her.
She disappears behind the door of her house
The busy world picks up once more
And beauty is once again, ignored.
Last edited by arspoetica on Fri Sep 30, 2011 3:20 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Deathcurrent
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Points 1218
Reviews 40
Thu Sep 15, 2011 3:36 am
Deathcurrent says... · Thu Sep 15, 2011 3:36 am
Wow! Ignore everything about this review for a minute or two. I just want to say how... sweet that was. I don't think sweet can describe your poem in one word, so I'm going to use a few more. Your poem engaged me and allowed me to think over how much beauty truly is ignored. I know that I hardly EVER look past my window. I hardly ever go outside! Your poem though, made me want to just talk a walk and enjoy the moment. Nice work with how simple you state beauty and yet how complex the underlying idea is. I don't know if you ment to do it, but either way that was the point I got.

My favorite part of Simple Beauty:

Lifting herself up,
she begins to cheerfully walk home.
The world seems to go silent as she walks,
people's voices are nothing but whispers
car horn's are nothing but mice.
The only sound is her whistle
sweetly flowing all around her.
As she enters her house, and shuts the door,
the busy world picks up agains,
and beauty is once again, ignored.


I loved this stanza! I like how everything becomes hushed and seems to slow, but as soon as she closes the door to her home, life starts to again become the rush we've made it. I didn't see any major errors, or any errors at all really, so give yourself a pat on the back (and maybe a cookie too).

Deathcurrent
“Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.” -- Spock from Star Trek

"There's power in stories. That's all history is: the best tales. The ones that last. Might as well be mine."-- Varric Tethras from Dragon Age II
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NaRachel
Gender Female
Points 5107
Reviews 100
Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:14 am
NaRachel says... · Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:14 am
Wow this is simply beautiful (note the pun)... if this is a real girl I say give her this poem and go for it haha. Nah I was really brought in by your description: Just something I jotted down in a park, it really set a nice theme, now for the poem....
There are some really great images here, they are beautiful, for example:
Leafs trickle all around her,
twirling down their spiral paths.

Her eyes gaze up at the tree she is leaning upon
and watches the leaves fall.
She catches one gracefully in her hand,
and places it in between the pages,
closing the book around it.

people's voices are nothing but whispers
car horn's are nothing but mice.

The only sound is her whistle
sweetly flowing all around her.


Also your story behind it is really sweet too, the idea of being unnoticed but still beautiful and in such a beautiful place that you don't notice anything around you and closing the door behind you... sigh...

My only complaint would be
she begins to cheerfully walk home.
I think you should try to show that she is cheerful without actually stating it.

Well done and keep writing :) -Rachel
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"
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AlextotheAndra
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Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:28 am
AlextotheAndra says... · Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:28 am
This reminded me a lot of myself! haha, not in the beautiful or graceful way, more just of the view of the world. The peace when you are outside and alone. I thought you wrote exceptionally well and it was really immersing, you drew me in completly. Great descriptions. Well done!
“Everything you look at can become a fairy tale and you can get a story from everything you touch.” Hans Christian Andresen
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SteppinRazor
Gender None specified
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Thu Sep 15, 2011 10:31 pm
SteppinRazor says... · Thu Sep 15, 2011 10:31 pm
Lifting herself up,
she begins to cheerfully walk home.
The world seems to go silent as she walks,
people's voices are nothing but whispers
car horn's are nothing but mice.
The only sound is her whistle
sweetly flowing all around her.
As she enters her house, and shuts the door,
the busy world picks up agains,
and beauty is once again, ignored.
I really liked this! I read this part and wonder to myself, simple beauty, why does it only last a while? Damn! Well the moment is worth it I suppose. Great write!

Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad
Down down down down
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A ruler leads by example, not force.
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