My Perfect Girl

I haven’t decided what Love’s all about
But in my mind there isn’t one doubt
That it is good for me
And good for you too
If you promise to care for me
In our days together; through and through
Now promise me this
This one little thing
That to this everlasting relationship
You will bring
Your love and devotion
Your commitment and care
Until my breath fails me
Until I am no longer there
If you can do this,
As I will too
I swear, with God as my witness
I will marry you
I’ll take your hand,
Ease your pain,
Kiss you in the darkness
In the pouring rain
I will whisper to you softly
My words ever so lovely:
What a difference you make
In the paths that I take

I haven’t yet found you
In this enormous world
Though, If I continue to pray
This undecipherable code will unfurl
And allow me to find you:
My perfect girl

Wow, this is really touching and well thought through. Very heartwarming! I cannot give a full review at the moment, but I hardly see anything. Great work!

I can't see anything either, at least at this moment, shiney1! This poem is very heartwarming and very accurate. Well, I think so any way If only divorce didn't happen as often as it does. The Perfect Girl really sends home how important marriage can be with this line:

What a difference you make
In the paths that I take

Beautiful poem! I'll probably be thinking about it while I try to finish up my homework!

Deathcurrent

This is really good! Its what every girl wants to hear! and it is very heart warming and wonderful! Love it!!

Beautiful poem. The language is really smooth and flowing. The way you captured that "finding the one" theme is really cute. They are right, it is every girl's dream to hear these words . I did not find much wrong here. A good read.
Keep writing and best wishes!

This is an amazing poem, truly loved it! I loved the way it all seemed to come together. It's what every girl wants to hear!
Love,
EvensLily x

This was well written, I must say... It had a very nice rhythm and you kind of tried to rhyme, though I didn't catch the scheme.
Now, about what you actually said...
This is awesome. There's no other way to say it. For today's teens to be thinking like this is really cool and think it is the mentality God-followers are supposed to have.
I have a poem on here that is very similar to this one called Beautiful. You should check it out. It's a little simpler wording, but it is a little more intense and more mature sounding, but this makes sense since I'm a good three years older.
All in all, well writ.

What a beautiful poem. It's so romantic. If only the rest of the world would allow themselves to feel love and realise again the importance of marriage. I hope life doesn't taint your beautiful and innocent mind.

Awwww This is so cute! I wish guys I knew were more like you instead of immature. This is really good! It had a nice rhythm to it, I kinda wanted to sing along to it lol Keep on writing!!!

It seems somewhat contrived; there's too much focus on rhyming things. Yes, I know this is a poem, but rhyme is actually only secondary. The focus should be on the content.

You're not entirely consistent, either. You have a bunch of kiddy-ish lines like "good for you too", and then you have "this undecipherable code will unfurl." It's almost like you're switching styles, and I like the second one better. (Incidentally, it might be "indecipherable". That just sounds better to me, but I could be wrong.)

I do like the sentiment you're expressing here. It just seems like it's wrapped in a wad of cheese here. (I'm also wondering if certain people feel like this when they look at my poems... I tend towards the cheesy.)

I've been a bit harsh here on purpose, at least for me. (Some people will rip you apart. Those are fun! 8P) This is because everyone else was so nice to you. It's great for the ego, but not so good for the writing.

Take care! You have some good stuff here. Keep working on it! I know you can do it.

I know this won't be helpful at all but this is a very great write and I love it! *likes*

eww, gross, a love poem.

Pup is right, some of us will rip you apart.

JesusFreak900 wrote:I haven’t decided what Love’s all about
But in my mind there isn’t one doubt
That it is good for me
And good for you too
If you promise to care for me
In our days together; through and through
Now promise me this
This one little thing
That to this everlasting relationship
You will bring
Your love and devotion
Your commitment and care
Until my breath fails me
Until I am no longer there
If you can do this,
As I will too
I swear, with God as my witness
I will marry you
I’ll take your hand,
Ease your pain,
Kiss you in the darkness
In the pouring rain
I will whisper to you softly
My words ever so lovely:
What a difference you make
In the paths that I take

I haven’t yet found you
In this enormous world
Though, If I continue to pray
This undecipherable code will unfurl
And allow me to find you:
My perfect girl

Well that's cute, here I was thinking the perfect woman was just as fine. I mean, if you're going to love someone forever and be bonded to their soul, you'd think they'd like to be considered an adult one day, a woman, someone capable of being respected and having you show that respect in return. (Think I'm being unfairly raw? HA, try living with humanity in a relationship, because when you find that deep relationship in the big wide world you'll find the world isn't wide enough to get away from that person when you realize "they can really irritate me", and then you'll criticize them and you'll mis-communicate and they'll accuse you of being controlling and you'll think they over-react when really you're both being pulled in too many directions and changing every single day and possibly growing apart and somehow, somehow, somehow fitting each others worlds together and making things HAPPEN so that that can work, and not just tossing words up into the air! It's not perfect. It's better than perfect is you can make it work; the perfect person will instead drive you up the wall, through the roof and into the ground where you give up and plead for mommy again because the perfect person will make you miserable; the realistic person helps you adjust for human weakness and mistake, helps you forgive and move-on, and is probably someone you can be afraid of, but, someone who will realize this and that and apologize and listen to you and you will listen to them and avoid making it that bad because you communicate; kisses and darkness do not quite serve as compelling images for this, alas, I am sorry.)

But of course the great things in the relationship! But, you don't hint at them, just general descriptions. So what makes this poem....inspirational, new, interesting, compelling, revolutionary, heart-felt, cerebral, serene, nostalgic, emotionally convicting and compelling an elucidation atop the highest crowns of the heart throbs naive artists all round the world that whisper the same solipsism dreams of perfect romantic completion in unison to the same purveyor of dream?! How do you take this path my boy?

Tell me, in a poem that recognizes the abstract and tangible machinations of the working heart that can, sometimes, even it too yes, stop working, and pump blood back into the hub of life, and pretend it does not exist. How does lose make us stronger, and what does it mean to find perfect love, if we ever do, in this world?

How do we live?

Food for thought.

Pup has a point. There are ones willing to cultivate and there are ones willing to crush.

If the name didn't symbolize where my stance is, you might take this warning and understand that I'm not the type to be easy on anyone, especially one who shows an interest in poetry.

Now, as ol' Mustardy noted on the emotion of this said poem, I'm more for the mechanics. How does this poem work? Does it work effectually? Is the point given across in a manner that is distinctly you and distinctly original? Some believe that poetry should not be critiqued for such things as mechanics simply because poetry is not prose. I disagree fully and you shall see why as I break this down.

First and foremost, you have a rather jutty structure. The stanza's are not equal (which does not necessarily matter in the long-run) nor are the lines are an equal level as each other so the poem in itself already starts off as being a free-based, free-thinking poem. The kind of poem you'd expect a seasoned poet to take on, as it gives the appearance, right of the bat, as being something profound. Of course, if you have nothing profound to say, this might come across as being rather... silly. Rudimentary, if you will.

So, as Mustard said prior, we have a rather... childishly themed piece here. One that expresses a sentiment that many a youngin' with little experience of love states about finding such a passion.

Now, on a whole, at least you have a topic. Poetry does not need to simply be. It should be something the writer feels, and you feel this, yes? So I cannot really complain too much on the object of which you speak. What I will go on about, though, is the way in which you decide to get this sentiment across.

You fall into a pattern that many young poets do. The list. You list away things in which you feel. Things in which you want us to know and understand. Your list expresses things in which you find you need, find that you want, find that you're trying to accept in this said girl. All in all, its a list and nothing more. A thesis being proved.

Does that make good poetry? No. A good essay? Maybe.

Poetry should be from the heart. It should be extracted, unrefined. It should be messy and yet clean. A contradiction, if you will. A way in which you give us a glimpse rather than a bunch of reasons. Metaphor will be your biggest friend in that case, and imagery as well. Without these two things, all you have here is the idea and the passion, but no substance at all.

If your sentiments are from the heart, which they are, take time and simply write. None of this 'rhyme scheme' business. That will only hinder the thought process and the piece as a whole. In fact, stay away from structures until you are comfortable enough with free-based poetry, simply because you spend so much time trying to created that rhyme that you end up lacking in the actual content of the piece. You need to be comfortable with your diction first and foremost.

That being said, as a whole, I didn't exactly hate this. I wasn't exactly thrilled simply because I cannot really understand the reasoning. Keep writing, though. Keep practicing. You'll find growth within yourself and your work the moment you stop thinking inside the box. Most poets leave the box completely.

~Walker