The Pillows

The Pillows
by Burger Boy

It was early on a drizzly Monday morning in Manila, and Jonathan
Leopold was in a hurry. He woke up finding out that his pillows were on the
floor except for the blue pillow.

"Oooh men, I’ve got to
go to school this early but my body weighs like a ton or two," he
said."

Finally he went downstairs with his small pillow, light blue colored and bone shaped, wearing his naive fancy shirt (his everyday clothing). Jonathan is a normal, well adjusted typical Filipino chinky eyed fourth
year teenager who loves eating food, especially burgers.

He pushed two slices of bread into the oven, then waited for it to toast. While waiting, he took a short glimpse at the wall clock near him, suddenly he paused for a while. Then grabbed the slices of breads.

"Ouch, its hot!" he shouted in pain.

Even though the bread was hot, he took a quick bite and
managed to ran upstairs in a jiffy.

Few moments later..

Jonathan heard someone shouting his name outside their house.

"JONATHAN! Are you still there? JONATHAN! we're almost late!" Jeremy exclaimed.

Jonathan, while inside his room heard his name and realized that it was his
friend.

"I remember that funny voice," he thougt.

Jonathan cried out, "Oh! Its Jeremy Wayne!"

Jeremy Wayne was Jonathan’s neighborhood in the Villa Grand Turismo Homes in Manila.

He was hilarious, clumsy yet the coolest boy in the neighborhood.

Suddenly, Jonathan popped out from his room and dashed outside wearing a white plain shirt..

(other parts missing, will post it later.. by the way, this is my friend's work, he asked me to post it here for some reviews, hope to hear cool things from you guys!! thanks!!)

I don't know, I just don't know if chinky is an appropriate way to describe his eyes. As a story, it is so incomplete that it's almost impossible to critique. There's no story here, its just a meaningless vignette that seems to be riddled with spelling and grammar errors. The dialogue is cartoony at best... do you know anyone who shouts things like, "Oh! Its Jeremy Wayne!" Think about how people actually talk when you write dialogue.

Interestingly, the most interesting part is the pillows. In such a short story, you understand, there are NO wasted words, which means that the pillow thing at the beginning must be significant in some way, maybe to convey something symbolic about the character. Of course, the story is too incomplete to tell, so maybe its just pointless.

Also, ever heard show don't tell?

"he was hilarious, clumsy yet the coolest boy in the neighborhood"

awkward wording aside, this is an ineffective way to build a character. Show us that he's hilarious by having him say and do funny things, show us he's clumsy by having him trip over his own feet, showest he's the coolest boy in the neighborhood by his interactions with his peers. THAT is how you will develop this character. Sure, its harder and it takes longer... but I'll take you more seriously as a prose writer if you do.

best,

My dear,

Firstly, this is a site for your original work. In general, unless it was collaborative, people do not post works by friends from outside the site under their own name.

Next, I'm really not sure what to make of this. The lines are broken up in such a way that it seems poetic, but it is so oddly written that I cannot tell if that was intentional, and meant to have meaning, or just a blunder.

As tot he story itself, it really makes no sense. It seems to just be group of random non-sequitors with no plot to further them. You also have some offensive language, in here, please rate it accordingly.

Overall, this piece is so poorly written I cannot tell if it was intentionally done that was, as in a satire of sorts, or if it is just plain bad. There is no plot to critique, no characters with any depth whatsoever, and nothing makes sense. How can his friend be a neighbourhood? What is a "slices of breads" supposed to mean?

Overall, this is short, confusing, and seemingly pointless. Unless it was intentionally written that way, this is not a work that is at all gripping or spurs me to pursue reading it. In the future, keep it original.

-Tori

This really wasn't great. Usually I would begin a review with the strengths and I think the only strength was the original voice. But, as for the writing, it was really lacking. You (or your friend) needs to really focus on showing us the scenes as they play out in the story, because as it stands the narrator just sits back, puts his hands on his head and starts telling us all about it, but not at one point did you conjure an image. It's hard work writing, and you need to work harder. You need to read work that inspires you and study it, learn why it is so inspirational and strong. When you read a line and you simultaneously see a scene, reread the line and figure what caused the image.

He pushed two slices of bread into the oven, then waited for it to toast. While waiting, he took a short glimpse at the wall clock near him, suddenly he paused for a while. Then grabbed the slices of breads.

This is the closest you get to an image. Yet it is so jarring - suddenly he paused? - that I really couldn't see it.

Keep writing and working hard. You will get it.

JP

Well first of all, I'd like to give my opinion on your friend's incomplete story. He/She had given an interesting introduction which would make the reader feeling curious about the pillows and their significance in the story. However, I was a bit disappointed that nothing was mentioned about them again (maybe they're mentioned in the other parts of the story) but at least the writer should give us a hint about them.
The part of the story you have just submitted is nothing more than setting a scene. I don't like how the writer describes his characters and scenes in such a direct way. For example, Johnathan like eating food, especially burgers.. You can use that in a certain situation indirectly without the need to list the main character's interests.

Some words are weakening the quality of the story, like [suddenly, finally]

I've also spotted some spelling mistakes, you can use a Microsoft Word to type your story and then you can have the words automatically corrected. Also, keep in mind the tenses; you have used past tenses through out the story so you shouldn't use any present tenses there.

I really need to read the rest of it so that my review would be more reliable. Your friend had to keep on practicing and writing more and more.