I Feel The Absence

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Image


You gave up to soon.

Stopped watching me grow.

That comfort you once gave,

The love you ceased to show.


You packed your things and went away.

Taking a piece of me with you.

Your love for me decided to fade.


I feel your absence now more then back then.

I feel a hole in me begin to deepen.


I won't admit that it hurts.

I can't begin to say how I feel.

Everyday this sadness in me,

Becomes more hard to deal.


Now you live as if I never did.

While I lay here with this void in me,

This corrupted mentality.


But as hard as I try,

Your face won't fade.

Every time I close my eyes there you are,

In my mind your close,

In reality your far.


The tears shed can not be counted.

Who will fill my void.

Every hope or chance of love for me

You have destroyed.
Last edited by SteppinRazor on Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad
Down down down down




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I think that you have written a really beautiful and emotive poem here. I am not sure what your meaning was in this poem but the way i interpreted it was that this person you are talking about is a very close family member, possibly your parents? Your poem is extremely captivating and so emotional. Truly beautiful, i like it :)
I know i am supposed to write some constructive critisism but i really love your poem and i honestly don't how you can improve it. Leave it as it is, i think it is perfect.
from, sweet<3 :)




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This is good. I like the way you captured a lot of feeling, while still using a basic rhyme scheme. You might want to check your spelling; I found a few little mistakes, mostly with homophones. Also, you may want to change the title. The title suggests a third person point of view, but the poem is told in first person. It's not a big deal, but it may confuse people. You never know. Anyway, good job. I liked your phrasing and everything. I hope my review helps. Keep writing.
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known..." A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.




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Fruity here!

Hey this was really a fantastic poem I couldn't find anything wrong with it. I think that it had a lot of emotion and depth, and the rhyme sceme helped make it interesting. You also used a lot of realky good vocabulary. Overall it was really good, your format was great, and you had a lot of depth. So fantastic! :D Keep up the freaking amazing work!

Love, fruity! <3
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
Harvey Fierstein
"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet."
Plato



We are dreamers, you and I.
— Leya