Blood and chocolates

The lightning flashes through the oh so thin window pain revealing the shadow of the one I have been trying to escape. The sight of her face makes the pain all the worse. I look back as I hobble away from the one I once loved. I give one last effort to save myself though the blood falls in streams from the gashes inflicted upon my torso and legs. I close my eyes one last time, thinking of all the family I had lost in but a night. When I open them back up I am not in the house anymore, the house I remember as a child. I am in a small room and I am relieved to have found it was just a dream, even though at one point it was reality. My name is David Dot. When I was a young, happy soul, I fell in love with her. She was the perfect girl, every aspect of her was magical. Her beautiful big green eyes, her soft flowing red hair, she was just all around amazing. I asked her to be my girlfriend, after of course getting to know her and then falling even harder for her. Soon after we were rarely apart and we were more in love than even romeo was with juliet. After maybe a year of dating late one night I got a text telling me to go to the football feild. I went and to my dismay found her with with my former best friend. Now you may be wondering why I say former. It is because he had changed into a different person, little did I know he was actually trying to protect me. I had not told anyone we were dating so at first I wasn't mad but then I realized she knew and she should've stopped him. The day after I couldn't find either of them, now I know why but then I didn't so I texted her because I was used to him not being in school but she never missed a day. I texted her really upset over what she done and she tried to apologize but I said no. When I broke up with her she said she would make me regret it, and I did. It was later that night when I told my former friend everything. All he could say was I am so sorry oh my god... then he told me he told me everything and that is about the time I heard my mom scream. I ran to my parents room and there she was over my dead mother and father. She had spared my dog Skip luckly though. Skip ran to me crying and jumped into my arms. I was crying too at this point ,but I was walking to my sisters room trying to be quiet. I stopped halfway because my sisters door was already flung open and my sister was dead. At that point I tried to run but then she appeared knife in hand, laughing. She taunted me by letting me run. Then I would turn a corner and she would be there to cut me and then let me keep going at one point she disappered so I stopped. That was when she appeared through the window. I knew I couldn't escape, but I ran down the hallway that smelled of blood. She was there smirking, but then her face went white and blood dripped from her mouth. As she fell the shape of Luke appeared behind her and a stake was revealed pointing out of her back. An hour later the cops found me passed out and took me here.

" David, you have to stop lying to yourself you killed your parents and sister by burning your house down you only saved your dog." said the man who called himeself a doctor.

"No... you stop lying I would never... It was all Julie..." I said because it was the truth to me.

"David. Please calm down the point of a mental hospital is to..." At this point I lunged at the doctor

"Stop lying! This is my apartment! STOP IT!" Then I remember the men in white jabbing me with that blasted needle and everything went black.

The lightning flashes through the #FF0000 ">oh-so-thin window #FF0000 ">panepain#FF0000 ">revealing thecasting a shadow of the #FF0000 ">my pursuer one I have been trying to escape. The sight of her face makes the pain#FF0000 "> all the worse. I look back#FF0000 ">,as I hobble hobbling away from the one I once loved. I give one last effort to save myself though the blood falls in streams #FF0000 ">from the gashes inflicted upon my torso and legs. I close my eyes #FF0000 ">one last time, thinking of all the family I had lost #FF0000 ">in but a#FF0000 ">that night.
[paragraph break]
When I open them#FF0000 ">,back up I am not in the house anymore, the house I remember as a child. I am in a small room and I am relieved to have found it was just a dream, even though#FF0000 ">at one point it was once reality. My name is David Dot. When I was a young, happy soul, I fell in love with her. She was the perfect girl, every aspect of her, #FF0000 ">perfect #FF0000 ">was magical.

Okay there is a lot of the same, more little errors, too many cliches. Syntax and sentence structure needs work too. Enough bad stuff.

It's actually a funny little tale. It's been told before but it was clever. I did enjoy it in the end so well done.

JP

Welcome to the site! So when you enter stories here, it's usually a good idea to see how the format turns out - in this case it's pretty much one big huge block of words, which can be intimidating to read. Try spacing it a little more so it doesn't scare off potential readers. Now, about your actual story...

The lightning flashes through the oh#FF0000 ">-so#FF0000 ">-thin window#FF0000 ">pane, revealing the shadow of the one I have been trying to escape.

I asked her to be my girlfriend, after of course getting to know her and then falling even harder for her. Soon after we were rarely apart and we were more in love than even romeo was with juliet. Well aside from the fact that you didn't capitalize the names, my real problem with this is that it gets a little cliche. You also seemed to kind of jump the gun on explaining all of this; I'd try to ease into this a little more naturally.

It is because he had changed into a different person #FF0000 ">- little did I know he was actually trying to protect me.

I had not told anyone we were dating so at first I wasn't mad but then I realized she knew and she should've stopped him. The day after I couldn't find either of them, now I know why but then I didn't so I texted her because I was used to him not being in school but she never missed a day. I texted her really upset over what she done and she tried to apologize but I said no. When I broke up with her she said she would make me regret it, and I did. Okay, so the problem I have with this is that it sounds too much like you're just here, talking to me and complaining about this, rather than acting as the story's narrator. It's okay to have an informal voice, particularly with first person, but you still need to keep this an open-imaged world. We need to see it, not just get it second-hand.

I ran to my parents room and there she was over my dead mother and father. She had spared my dog Skip luckly though. Okay, hold on a second. Your parents are dead...you're probably not going to be thankful for the dog being alive. You're going to be devastated and terrified. And describe it!

So basically, I think this needs a lot of cleaning up. It's okay, you have time to work on it, but remember the trick's to add detail - put us in your story, make us feel it, make our hearts pound. Then I think this could be an interesting story.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver