Dead Island (Part II)

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 302
Reviews 93
Spoiler
Since people seemed to like the first dream, I have written another dream. It takes place on the same 'island' but in a differnet place. I hope you like this one as much as you liked the first dream.


A figure ran through the dark halls, a ghost which glided silently over the cold hardwood floors. It turned a corner and I followed. I didn't know why but something told me that I had to get to it before something else did. I didn't know who it was that was after me, or why they chased me, or why they wanted the figure I so desperately had to catch first, but I knew whoever they were they were not far behind.

I rounded the corner, my heart racing. I was at an intersection, three different halls to go down and no way to narrow the list. They all looked the same, no lights, wood molding from the floor to the middle of the wall, and the top part painted a color I couldn't see due to the darkness blinding me. I couldn't hear anything. My ears strained to hear something, anything; that would give away the location of the figure, and the distance away the others were; the ones I was desperately trying to run away from, but I heard nothing.

Finally I heard something, the sound of laughter. It was a musical sound that I knew by heart. I looked up, farther down the hall dashed a small figure. A child. I was chasing a child through these dark halls as something dark and evil hunted me down. Hunted us down. While the laughter sounded far away, the thump, thump, thumping of heavy foot falls sounded close behind.

Without hesitating I dashed after the fading figure. The hallways were cold even though I could smell the smoky odor of burning wood and could hear the crackling of fire somewhere behind me. My bare feet propelled me across jagged wooden floors. They left bloody trails behind me as the splintery wood tore into the soft skin of my feet, numbing them until I couldn't feel a thing.

To my right was the wall I had been seeing all this time, though now I could make out the color; a deep golden brown, now dusty and dark from age and neglect. The wood molding was rotting near the floor boards and had stains on them from, what I hoped, was water damage. I turned to the left; the other wall was nothing but glass windows, with a dim light shining through.

The sun here was obscured by heavy, thick clouds, all of them a dull murky green. Yet still the outside world was brighter than in here, it seemed warmer too. I was proven wrong when frost spread spider web like fingers up the other side of the window panes. Past the freezing windows, was nothing but withered birch trees lined up in cracked dried mud. The forest looked like an optical illusion with all its perfect rows and identical features. Crows perched on each icy branch, all of their small beady eyes locked on me, following me as I ran down the hall after the figure.

Now I could see who I was running after. It was a little girl. She had long black hair that went down the back of a white nightgown. A mist seemed to surround the child, like she too was freezing, making her features cloudy. Her hair wasn't pure black but a dusty black as if it were actually gray; her dress seemed to glow in the mist. "Wait... stop come back!" I wanted to yell but when I opened my mouth no words came out but a blood curdling scream that shattered the glass windows.

The musical sound of the glass shattering and tinkling like bells as it fell to the ground seemed to be amplified in the once silent halls, as the crows lifted off the trees and flew through the broken windows. They flew into the hall, filling it instantly. Their screeches overpowered the sound of my screams as their claws tore into my arms which were littered with thin lacerations from the raining glass. The sound of the little girl's laughter was covered by the ragging birds, whose caws disguised the sound of the thudding footfalls of my pursuers, but it didn't hide the sound of the raining glass.

Black feathers danced around my head, tickled my noise and made me sneeze. A shadow fell over me, and the crows parted reveling, the forms of three figures. As I stared, everything went silent even though the crow's beaks gaped, still screaming. There were three hooded figures at one end; at the other was the little girl who faced me with a face I knew all too well. The three figures lifted pasty gray hands to remove their hoods. But the crows dipped low again and I couldn't see the figures faces, or what they did to the little girl. But as darkness filled my vision, the last thing I heard was the girl's screams, and then her body hit the floor. I was next but that was when it all went black...
Last edited by Nightlyowl on Fri Dec 16, 2011 12:04 am, edited 2 times in total.
~Nightlyowl




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 14013
Reviews 280
Hi there,

Nightlyowl wrote:A figure ran through the dark halls, like a ghost gliding silently over the cold hardwood floors.


This is awkward. You start the second clause with 'like' so you we its a simile, but then you go on to describe the environment but not metaphorically - if that makes sense.

eg,
He had hairy hands, like carpet was on his arms.

The metaphor and the reality are too closely linked.

It turned a corner and I followed. I had to get to it; I had to before something else did. I didn't know who it was that was after me, or why they chased me, or why they wanted the figure I so desperately had to catch first, but I knew whoever they were they were not far behind.

the thump, thump, thumping of heavy foot falls sounded close behind.


That would probably read a little better.

My feet propelled me forward.


This happens too frequently. You use strange descriptions that don't really apply. As above. You need to take care with verb use. If you have any doubt about the meaning of a word, or if it comes off a little strange change it. The key to keeping a reader is removing all these little annoying distractions. The reader shouldn't have to stop and think, they should just go with the piece taken involuntarily. I know there is something to be said about adapting words and definition progression, or what have you, but it's too much of a stretch, too unnatural in most cases through your prose. The reader gets a general idea but it doesn't paint a picture.

saying 'my feet propel me forward.' is exactly the same as saying ' I run forward' because the disparity between the definition doesn't provide any additional insight or paint any more of an image they are both vague for different reasons.

It does get really good when you get into it. Some of your descriptions get better but occasionally a niggly little distraction will pull me from the prose.

any way hope that helps.

JP
Read my latest



Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
— Elbert Hubbard