We Suddenly Found Ourselves Looking Up

.

we suddenly found ourselves looking up.
soggy, foggy minds
couldn’t make sense of the world,
because the world was a flaming, puffing, smokefest,
and the chaos was thick and wet and swampy.
and loud.

we suddenly felt the gut-deep hollow
of too many unchangeable things,
pressed our hands against our heads,
and waited for the bellowing collapse to cease.

we suddenly found ourselves looking down.
retching, reeling hearts
couldn’t make sense of the dust,
because the dust was a mocking, senseless tombstone,
and the air was dry and choking and empty.
and mute.

we suddenly felt the gut-deep hollow
of too many unchangeable things,
pressed our hands against our heads,
and waited for the ashen world to start again.

.

Ah.May.Zing! <3 :'D

Seriously, it was amazing! The only thing that bothered me was the much intented puntuation. [Red means you have to capitalize.]

lilchoma wrote:.

we suddenly found ourselves looking up.
soggy, foggy minds
couldn’t make sense of the world,
because the world was a flaming, puffing, smokefest,
and the chaos was thick and wet and swampy. Either change that fullstop to a comma and leave "a" from "and" in lower case, or you just change the "a" to upper case and leave the fullstop alone.
and loud.

we suddenly felt the gut-deep hollow
of too many unchangeable things,
pressed our hands against our heads,
and waited for the bellowing collapse to cease.

we suddenly found ourselves looking down.
retching, reeling hearts
couldn’t make sense of the dust,
because the dust was a mocking, senseless tombstone,
and the air was dry and choking and empty. Same as the above comment.
and mute.

we suddenly felt the gut-deep hollow
of too many unchangeable things,
pressed our hands against our heads,
and waited for the ashen world to start again.

.

Yeah, so that's actually it. There isn't much I can say, because everything in this is so... prefect. (Except the puntuation as I pointed out. Gah, I'm following you because of this :'D

-TwistedMuffins.

wow. That's powerful. Kind of short, and has a few errors, but still really good. Keep writing!

That was really powerful. And, it gives you a perfect idea of what the on-lookers were thinking when that all happened. It was kind of short though, it would be awesome if you stretched it out a little. But, other than that is was perfect, and i can't wait to read more! Keep on writing!

Such an incredible poem with such powerful imagery. the only thing I'd change is the use of "things". Since this poem is so sophisticated and deep, why use such an amateur word? Other than that, I absolutely love your writing style. Keep at it

Besides the few gramatical errors, which i think that capatalizing a peom and making sure that its grammatically correct is kinda senseless, this poem was amazing. It was deep and in sightful in a way, it was beyond incredible. Keep it up!