Moonlight Fire

Moonlight Fire
Chapter 1 : Misty Night and a Weeping Girl

Mist was a normal thing to see this time of year in Ashwill. Vampires, however, were even more normal. 'Pests of The Underworld' was the nickname the townsfolk had labeled them. Even other demonic beings thought of them as dusting thing.

A small village girl, around the age of ten, skipped her way towards the small well that was behind her family'scottage. A trip she had taken many times before, nothing should have happened...

Nomi was the little girls name. She was know throughout the town for her kindness and deep green eyes. Her parents felt blessed at having such a beautiful girl. She also wore her signature blue ribbon which blew in the wind.

Nomi got to the well and began to turn the handle. As she did so she also sang a tune. Nomi's voice could be heard throughout the mist, it made her mother smile, her father hold back the tears of joy and helped her baby brother drift off. However it also could be heard by an other.

Nogi was a vampire famous in Ashwill. He was...unusual, in the case of most vampires. He would not drain his victims blood fully. Only a few drops of blood would he take. No one knew why which made them even more scared.

Nomi continued to sing unaware that Nogi was gaining on her, thirsty for her.

The bucket rose out of the well and Nogi smiled, still singing. Suddenly a flash of black knocked her back.

"Who is there?" she said her throat a little sore.

Her answer came in the form of two ruby red eyes. Nogi screamed bloody murder. "Mama! Papa!" she even woke her brother who squalled for her.

"Nomi!" called Nomi's parents.

But it was too late...

All that was left was the bucket and Nomi's blue ribbon. Nomi's parents cried rivers that night as they tried so hard to find their small little girl. They had every living soul in Ashwill looking for her. Calling out her name in some hopes that her voice would be heard. Nomi's little brother would not stop walling in his cot. Nomi just vanished, never to be heard of again.

Only one person knew where she was - what she now was turned into.

Nomi sobbed, sniffled and screamed. Her hand was glued at the side of her neck. She had been placed in a dark room with him in the corner, he was shaking back and forth. "What have I done?" he said over and over and over again.

"Take me home," said a weak Nomi. "My baby brother cannot sleep without my songs. Please take me home!"

"What have I done?" was the reply she got. "What have I done? What have I done?"

Bravely, Nomi let go of her neck and looked inside her hand. Her eyes had to squint to see the blood in her hand. Two holes had been pierced inside her neck. Blood was completely drained from her body -- but she was still alive.

"No,no ,no! What did you do to me?!" she wailed like her brother.

Hours past and Nomi just sat in the corner, hugging her legs she wept silent salty tears. Nogi had stopped muttering to himself and eventually approached Nomi.

"You cannot go home," Nomi was startled by him. "They will not accept you. You...you are like me."

"I want my Mama! I want my Papa!" she cried. "Take me home, please?"

"I am so sorry, truly," Nogi left Nomi in her corner whilst he stood and watched her.

Eventually, Nomi stopped crying and just sat there, willing herself to be back home.

"Do you know why I only take a few drops of blood from a person?" Nogi suddenly spoke.

"No..." Nomi's voice was horse.

"You see, I am not like most vampires," he stood in front of Nomi. "I hate the taste of blood. It's too messy," he smiled trying to cheer up Nomi.

"Why, then, d-did you turn me into a vampire?" Nomi asked with sad eyes.

Nogi got on his knees, Nomi flinched a little.

Sighing, Nogi spoke again. "I do not know why. I guess you're...special. I heard your voice and," he shrugged his shoulders. "I was drawn to you. I hope you can forgive me," Nogi held out his hand and tried to stroke Nomi's thick blond hair.

Nomi jerked her head. If Nogi was hurt, he didn't show it. Silently he got up from his knees and walked away from Nomi and towards a door. He opend it and almost stepped out.

Nomi didn't why she did it. She should of hated Nogi, but she didn't. "Wait!"

She got up onto her feet and clenched her fists. "You say my family will not welcome me back home because of what you turned me into. Then, you! You are responsible for me! R-right?" it took Nomi all her willpower to stop her lip from quivering.

Nogi smiled. "I will make you a promise. For as long as we both live, I will take care of you and make sure nothing happens to you. In return I want you to help me in finding someone."

"Who?" Nomi said take a few steps towards Nogi. "A divine being only known as Mirgo. According to legend, this being can control life. I wish to find this being and give me back my mortality. Along with your own."

"O-okay!" Nomi now stood right beside Nogi. "I will help you...b-but one more wish."

"Your wish is my command," smiled Nogi.

"Let me watch over my brother. He is a sick baby, and so small. Please let me watch him grow up!" pleaded Nomi.

"Are you sure? You do know as you watch him grow up, he will age and die?" Nogi informed Nomi.

"Let me watch his children, and their children," Nomi grabbed Nogi's black cloak. "Please..." she whispered and buried her face in the cloak.

"We shall both watch over this family," Nogi put his arms around the small girl, picked her up and let her weep.

As Nomi wept, she sang, a song sweet and peaceful. Even one of the townsfolk heard this song.

This man followed the song but it stopped before he could find the girl. He then sprinted back towards the cottage and told the girls parents. At that they had hope, small, but it was there. They then looked down at their little boy, he to must have heard the song as he was fast asleep.

This was great! I really enjoyed reading it, and was drawn into the story as I got further through it. However, there are a few spelling and grammatical typos that prevented me from being totally enraptured, but you should catch them easily enough on a read through. The plot is good, but seems a little bit rushed for my liking. Try to pad this piece out with a little more dialogue, maybe some emotions from Nomi and a few more descriptions of the setting. If you do all that, then this can become a truly incredible piece.

Oh, and if don't mind me asking, whereabouts in Scotland are you from?

Hey Gamer! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Mist was a normal thing to see this time of year in Ashwill. Vampires, however, we even more normal.

were even more normal. But as far as first lines go, this is a little weird. I'm not a fan of starting stories with the weather because... well, it's weather. It's not that exciting.

as dusting thing.

dusting?

A small village girl, around the age of ten, skipped her way towards the small well that was behind her families cottage.

family's

nothing should of happened.

It sounds like it should be "of" but it's "have."

[qutoe]Nomi was the little girls name. She was know throughout the town for her kindness and deep green eyes. [/quote]

girls, known.

Nomi's little brother would not stop whaling in his cot.

I think you mean "wailing"

Then, you and responsible for me!

you are.

he to must of heard the song as he was fast asleep.

he too must have

II. SHOW AND TELL

This is one of the most popular pieces of advice given on YWS- it's the most common thing that can be improved on, the hardest to improve and sometimes the hardest to explain. But I'm going to try.

Look at these two paragraphs:

"The girl in the doorway was Mandy Woods. She was Ben's oldest friend. She had long wavy blonde hair and deep brown eyes. The light from the day outside shone around her making her into a silhouette. It was March. Mandy looked at Ben, and smiled. She cocked her head and said, "Hi.""

Now look at this one:

"Ben turned to look at the doorway where he found Mandy Woods was standing, silhouetted by the March light outside. His oldest friend looked at him with her deep brown eyes and smiled. She cocked her head, sending a movement down the blonde waves of hair that lay over her shoulder and said, "Hi.""

Without changing many of the words and rather just the way we tell the story, it flows a lot better, don't you think? The trick is not to tell us that Nomi has a lovely voice or that she's wearing a blue hair ribbon, but to show us the effects of her singing and to show us the wind and mist tugging at that ribbon. Don't tell us about these things, let them be the integrated part of the story that they should be.

III. OVERALL

I love how you portray your vampires, that they're a normal day-to-day thing. This has a very fairytale-ish effect to it and I love that I just think that by showing and rather than telling you could make this great.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

I really liked this. The vampires seem so realistic and not overly exaggerated or godlike. The names are unique and I really liked the ending. I don't know whether its a chapter ending or story ending but I really enjoyed it. I would read another chapter and installment if you came out with it. Keep at it. It was really interesting and intriguing to me. The title is really great too

I really liked this. The vampires seem so realistic and not overly exaggerated or godlike. The names are unique and I really liked the ending. I don't know whether its a chapter ending or story ending but I really enjoyed it. I would read another chapter and installment if you came out with it. Keep at it. It was really interesting and intriguing to me. The title is really great too