Flashes, Chapter 2

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Chapter 2: Revealing

I awoke, not to the usual backdrop of white light irritatingly waking me from a rare treasure. Rather, awoke to what I now fear most. This. I do not know what this is, but only that I fear it.

I stumbled, letting my eyes adjust to the darkened place. Confusion set in, before I realized that I was right where I left off last time. The same imagery came to me as before.

The endless void around me, the rocky smooth and flat ground. And the cave like ceiling. Around me, high cliffs, with glowing red water flowing from cracks and crevices in their sides. The slight breeze coming back and forth letting deaths voice echo through this endless void. I walked around, stumbling mostly. I looked for a way down or up. I walked forward, passing streams of the glowing liquid, as it let off a weak source of heat.

I inspected the sheer rock surface in front of me, letting my right hand eventually hook along a way up as I walked forward. I took hold, hands sweating, as I climbed the nearly vertical way up. My hands gripped tightly to the top of the peak I had reached, not too high, in reality. I looked down at an obstacle crossed. Honestly unsure of whether or not there could be a purpose to anything here.

I walked forward, still wondering the danger or lethality of the glowing water. I could not find a simple item anywhere, a stick, a loose rock, nothing. I dug through the pockets I had, pulling out a crumpled up shopping list. I neared the fluid, a weak heat emanating from it. I dipped the paper in cautiously, waiting for what would happen.

It soon twisted and turned into shapes it should not have. It then combusted within the fluid, flaming near where I held it. I dropped the paper soon, letting its ashes scatter. Nothing could live here it seemed, in a place where there is no water, no food, and the only light source here is dangerous.

All around me, such a bleak, lonely place. Waterfalls of glowing light provided the only accompaniment here, while in some areas, without water it was pitch black. Walking through here, wondering if there could be a point to this place. I tripped, which was odd, considering that the only inclines or declines here were large cliffs.

I looked down, and saw an area in which it looked as if a large portion of rock was gone. Hopefully it could mean something… The idea that I must live in solitude for growing amounts of time scares me, and some form of communication is a reassuring thing.

I walked, continuing on wondering if I were to find anything else. I entered an area of complete darkness, moving without guidance of sight. In this lonely place, I can almost begin hearing things in my mind. A lonely shadow the only accompaniment of mine.

As I walked, another cliff appeared in the distance, an odd shaped one. It reminded me of the Washington Monument, and as I approached, the similarities became clear, this was no cliff.

I approached the rough, weathered obelisk. An old, spiritualistic feeling came as I neared it. I looked upon it, the half sunken obelisk entrenched within the… Soft ground? The ground, as I had not noticed before, became slightly soft, and I could now notice where it turned back into stone. A small circle of the sand like substance, entrenched by stone as it trapped this obelisk.

I moved my hands along the rough surface, a sandstone feeling to it. It was finely carved, with odd looking runic symbols carved into it. I moved across its length until it became too tall for me to reach. It was extremely large, and must have taken a great technology to build. It was as wide as three of me, and I don’t know how tall. Even when leaning, and partially sunken into the ground, it reached as high as an apartment complex. It also had a golden tip adorning the top of its triangular top.

Such an amazing feat, for me and its builders.
You never were alone.
Had I heard it? Was it a voice in my head? No. It was real. I turned around, but saw nothing as the image in my eyes turned to the white backdrop of morning waking me from a flash.

Morning, had come and gone for a month now.
Society teats each of us like an always burning candlestick. We reject immediate deformities, and throw ourselves away when we've lost our flame. Then we clean away any evidence of the wax...




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The endless void around me, the rocky smooth and flat ground. And the cave like ceiling. Around me, high cliffs, with glowing red water flowing from cracks and crevices in their sides. The slight breeze coming back and forth letting deaths voice echo through this endless void. I walked around, stumbling mostly. I looked for a way down or up. I walked forward, passing streams of the glowing liquid, as it let off a weak source of heat.


I love this imagery. I like how you use an obelisk for the spiritual building as well. Did you pull that from the Ancient Egyptians? Even if you didn't it's a great idea. While I was reading I felt like I was there. The way you describe the place makes me think of all my worst fears and the fears ingrained into us. Nice job on pushing me off a cliff to wait for the next chapter. I hope you come out with it soon...along with some rope to pull me out of this hole I tripped into! :D
“Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.” -- Spock from Star Trek

"There's power in stories. That's all history is: the best tales. The ones that last. Might as well be mine."-- Varric Tethras from Dragon Age II




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A great piece of writing here, really is. I was immediately sucked into the events, really interesting, can't wait to read more!
Love,
Evenslily x
Write and Smile people! X




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So to be honest this chapter was a bit of a disappointment for me after reading the first one. I was drawn in before, I wanted to know what happened at the end of chapter one. So the narrator wakes...and nothing happens. He walks around. He finds an obelisk. I don't know what you're trying to accomplish with this chapter, but it was uninteresting to me. My suggestion is to cut this out entirely (or extensively shorten it, if you REALLY want this part) and delve right into the action. I'm looking forward to see where you're going with this, though. I guess I still am intrigued, although I think this could have been a lot better.

Grammar time!

I awoke, not to the usual backdrop of white light irritatingly waking me from a rare treasure. Rather, awoke to what I now fear most. This. I do not know what this is, but only that I fear it.


This is really awkward. The first sentence needs to be clear and intriguing. I can't stress the 'clear' part enough. Also, what is this 'rare treasure', that you don't mention anywhere else in the entire chapter? You never explain what this thing he fears is, either. I know you do that purposefully in the first paragraph, but if it's not meaningful to the story you probably shouldn't put it there at all.

The slight breeze came back and forth, letting death's voice echo through the endless void.


I inspected the sheer rock surface in front of me, letting my right hand eventually hook along a way up as I walked forward.


'Hook' is probably not the right word. Try 'find its way up' or something like that.

I looked down at an obstacle crossed. Honestly unsure of whether or not there could be a purpose to anything here.


At first I was confused by the obstacle crossed thing. Then I reread it, I understood it, and I actually really liked it. I would just advise that you word it a little differently, a little clearer. As for the second sentence, it's a fragment. You need to put them together with a comma or something.

I walked forward, still wondering about the danger or lethality of the glowing water.


Again, awkward. I tried fixing it with about but it still seems weird to me. Take a look at that, try to make it better.

You never were alone.


Since this is the voice of another person, you need to make it stand out from the rest of the text. Generally dialogue would be in quotations, but for something like this I would italicize. As far as he knows, the voice might not be coming from an actual person. xD




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Thank you for the criticism, and I think after reading some critiqe, I'm out of my writers block. As for the last 'You were never alone', it was in italics, but I forgot to add HTML when I posted this.
Society teats each of us like an always burning candlestick. We reject immediate deformities, and throw ourselves away when we've lost our flame. Then we clean away any evidence of the wax...



That comma is load bearing.
— Omni