"the other one"

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“the other one”
A work in progress

She was the ghost of stimulation
when I first saw her pass my way;
a premonition, thrown
here by some divine command.
Her hair was a flame breaking loose;
her eyes like Thoreau’s meadows;
all else about her suggested
dewy mornings and late Spring days;
everything else was only dancing,
stopping for a drink
from a lonely, sparkling well.

I stepped closer to this graven icon,
this ghost of lilac song, and saw
her hands laid upon a table, white
and yet red; saw the clarity of virginal
solemnity; heard her voice saying only
“the other one.”

I turned my body, with pain, from her
and looked behind my back; and there,
alone and smiling, was a man in a black
tuxedo; at me he sent a glint of his shining
teeth and threw a single rose.

“No,” I said, to myself, and turned again
to the ghost who has haunted me so,
and I saw her eyes as they looked past me
and could not defend myself against
the fire of her hair.

Behind this ghost, this woman, I walked
and kissed her once upon the neck. From
there I pulled her gentle hair into a braid,
and wrapped it tight
once,
twice,
three times
around her neck.
"Literature is strewn with the wreckage of men who have minded beyond reason the opinions of others."
-Virginia Woolf




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Points 890
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Its alright i suppose the flow was just there, i got confused at one bit but i get it now so yeah, it does need work but it is good i'll give you that. :thumb:




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Very descriptively written. I quite liked it. Although I have no idea how to tell you to improve it. Still it was very good, in my opinion at least.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Gender Female
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It was a very good poem. As I am a fan, I can't help but draw a mental link to the Phantom of the Opera because of the guy in the black tuxedo, and the use of flame like the scene in the movie. I have no clue what could improve on the verse. You could possibly describe the surroundings more. That always helps get things across...




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as senior Harrison, I love it. And I love this website, haha. Had to return, nobody's reading my poetry at all. *sniffle* feels like writer's death. *sniffle* And I really do love it




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Points 890
Reviews 59
her eyes like Thoreau’s meadows;

who's Thoreau? Sorry for being a n00l3. :shock:
Other than that, it's good. Keep it up!




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 12
Thoreau's meadows? You look at a girl and you think about Thoreau? And you expect your audience to be that lame too?



Carpe Diem
— Catullus