Forgiveness must be given

3 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 5107
Reviews 100
I'm not a poet so any help - especially technical stuff- would be greatly appreciated (although I emphasises ANY help) :)

Oh what I'd give to rewind the clock
With the knowledge that I now posses
Memories form blisters but given the chance
I'd smash this phone and burn that dress
But reality forever guards the way
A life left that must be lived
But this is the curse of remorse
It takes and takes but cannot give

Excusing mistakes as a work of fate
or the old- I'm different now
Will help us to forgive ourselves
And move on through the somehow

But what if our own is not enough
And your face flashes upon my eye
To remind me that in times of trouble
We weigh down those who should fly

To never have the chance to say
I never meant you harm
Is to be robbed of touching
When we stretch out our longest arm

To never have the last goodbye
To never speak a word
Is living slightly incomplete
To die alone, unheard.

For what are we when isolated?
We are only what we are
to the people who love us
Or the bright ones that form stars

How can one be content
to move on out of the shadow
When built up words cannot be spent
When you've lost sight of your own shadow

Forgiveness must be given
Last edited by NaRachel on Sat Sep 10, 2011 6:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 5
There's a couple of spelling errors:

With the knowledge that I know posses

Not bad but they're right up front and it made me look for others. For me some punctuation would help separate the thoughts better. I tried to read it straight through but had to go back and put in commas and periods here and there.

This is great:
Memories form blisters but given the chance
I'd smash this phone and burn that dress


I really like the imagery there!
-=Mary Mary Quite Contrary=-




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1000
Reviews 50
First and foremost I enjoyed the imagery you used in this piece its what really makes it come alive for me. However,that being said there are a couple of recommendations I would make to help with flow. Firstly I would recommend using a bit more punctuation to help show the reader how you intend each line to be read. Some times a pause can drastically change a meaning of a line in some sentences and having it as a run on can detract from the general experience of the piece. I know I am kind of going on about this but it was really the main problem I had. I would get tripped up trying to figure out flow that I often missed the point of a stanza.

Second thing that I noticed was that your wording could get a bit confusing, at least to me. An example of this would be the second stanza, the transition from the second line and the third. It really tripped me up and took me a bit to get an idea of what you were referring to exactly.

But on a less knit picky note I do agree with the previous reviewer in think that the third and fourth lines of the poem are quite strong and are what really drew me in and the last three stanzas are what really sold me on the entire thing. The other two things could easily be fixed by maybe reading the poem out loud and feel out the flow so to speak. If you just clean up the middle I think this has great potential.
"Look in the mirror and what do you see? A shallow reflection that means nothing to me"



Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
— Søren Kierkegaard