Enchanted Chapter 1

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Chapter 1
I lifted the damp t-shirt to my face and inhaled in ecstasy. I loved the smell of damp laundry. A brisk wind that smelt richly of overturned leaves touched my face and played around my long skirt. The smell of late autumn. I hung up the last wet sock and walked back into the warmth of my room, shutting the balcony door behind me with a snap.
I had come in at half past two last night. Or that was what the blinking numbers on my clock had told me. It gets a bit weird, so it could have been anytime from one to four. My senses were deadened by fatigue (I hadn’t gotten much sleep the past night either) and had accidently set off the Cobweb. Luckily, I had managed to trip into bed quickly enough so as Ferinn blamed it on a cat (The neighbourhood pets are always setting it off. Especially cats. Cats have an affinity with Witchcraft, so they’re drawn to our house.)
My house looks passably normal from the outside. It’s large, it’s true, and slightly crumbly, but that’s normal in old houses. The weathervane, perched haphazardly on the barn roof, appears to be shaped like a cockerel from far away, but up close, it’s actually a coiled dragon. The glittering lights that randomly pop up around the flowerbeds are not fireflies and the large scorch mark on the wall of the east wing was caused by an imp I summoned from the Hollow Planes, not an out of control barbecue. I could go on but I think you get the picture. But people see what they want to see.
I was thinking about the gullibility of most humans as I picked up the fifth Harry Potter book and rode the banister down all three flights of stairs. I keep them well polished. They’re just right for sliding, actually. Wide and not too steep, no narrow curvy bits in them. When I hopped neatly off the ground-floor banister, I the delicious smell of cooking batter greeted my nose.
Elizabeth was sitting at the table in her green Hornet shorts and a raspberry-coloured vest. Her red curls were rumpled, but her eyes were alert. She has a sort of supernatural gift that whatever she’s doing she manages to pull it off looking attractive and disdainful. A golden salamander was coiled around her wrist. When I walked past, it hissed and blinked.
As Ferinn came round with a plateful of pancakes, she rapped Elizabeth’s feet (propped up on the table) with the frying pan.
“Bad manners,” She sang. “And it’s dirty!”
“I’m wearing socks!” Snarled Elizabeth. But she swung her legs down anyway, sitting cross-legged on her stool. Ferinn is the Junior Leader of our coven. Rumour is she did something that seriously pissed off the Witch Mother, so instead of setting her fifty years of punishment detail, she made her tutor us. As Ferinn likes to say, we’re her eternal punishment. As like all Witches, she’s very beautiful, with blonde hair, crisp green eyes and a disarmingly sweet smile. She also has five knives hidden on her person at all times. She says she wouldn’t put it past us. Whatever that means.
Ferinn slid a familiar bottle across the table, which thunked into my elbow. She has several vices she swears by. She makes us take cod liver oil every morning. I’ve taken it ever since I can remember. And I didn’t take the squishy pills either. I take a full spoon of the real stuff. Of course it tasted disgusting, but I’d gotten used to the taste. I used to complain, but she wouldn’t hear of it. “Makes your hair shiny and your eyes bright.” She insisted. She even mixed it up with Kitten’s food. The difference is amazing in the hellcat. His hair was clipped short and glossy, and he smellt musky and healthy. I ran a hand absent-mindedly over his fur as Kitten jumped onto my lap. As a hellcat, he’s not really your average feline. He’s my familiar. I summoned his soul from hell and bound it into a normal cat’s body. He’s quite sweet, actually, but he’ll defend me to the death.
I gulped down the fishy oil, sitting cross legged by the fireplace filled with popping lilac flames. It was freezing in the kitchen, and the tiles were like ice against my bare feet. I opened my book on my lap and smoothed down the doggy ear, but I was interrupted by the last of our little trio, Cassie, shuffling into the kitchen. Behind her fluttered a sparrow with metal feathers and jewelled eyes. Alice, Cassie’s familiar. She had made her herself.
Ferinn pushed a stack of papers off the chair and Cassie onto it. Cassie shrieked as the chair rocked wildly back.
“Sorry!” Ferinn screamed, holding the back of the chair. “I keep forgetting which one the rocking chair is.” Our kitchen is what I would call a friendly mish-mash of all of our lives. Most of the original kitchen chairs are long gone; there’s a rocking chair, a little stool, an old patchwork armchair and a bedside table with a silken pillow pretending to be one. The cabinets are painted a faded yellow; Elizabeth killed a ghoul in here with a kitchen knife and the blood splattered all over the kitchen, so we had to repaint.
I piled up Cassie’s Coptic dictionary, Elizabeth’s ceremonial dagger and a pestle half filled with crushed witch-hazel and plopped them on the counter, clearing a place for the pancakes. We weren’t technically witches yet: Tomorrow was initiation. For months now, we had been given grunt work; labelling and sorting herbs, sweeping floors, translating passages of runes, peeling potatoes, polishing tack, that sort of thing.
I was jolted out of my reverie by Elizabeth spilling digestive biscuits over the floor. Cassie startled at the sound, which sent her chair rocking back again. Ferinn rolled her eyes.
“Ok, breakfast’s over. Elizabeth, they need you to sort the new delivery in the barn.” Elizabeth glared at Ferinn. Every month we get a new delivery of potions ingredients. Not only is sorting and labelling powdered tiger claw and newts eyes boring, it’s also gross. “Cassie, pull yourself together, it’s only a chair. You can help out at Summoning, they need a runner. Katie-” Here she turned to me “- Connie wants your help.”
I leapt to my feet. “Ferinn please don’t make me go there again. I literally almost died last time. Send Elizabeth, she spilt the biscuits.” Elizabeth turned her cold gaze onto me. I cringed away from her.
Ferinn smacked the back of my head. “A true witch doesn’t whine, Katie.”
“I’ve only had three pancakes!” Elizabeth moaned. For such a slim girl, she eats huge amounts. Ferinn didn’t smack her. I’ve yet to see a person brave enough to smack Elizabeth.

Fifteen minutes later and slightly out of breath, I rung the bell of number 23. Us witches live in a gated community; the people outside think we’re just snobby rich people who want to keep them out of our perfect lives. Little do they know, the gate isn’t there to keep them out; it’s to keep nosy apprentices like us in.
No one answered the door. I stomped my combat boots in an attempt to keep warm and shoved my bare hands in my armpits. It was still dark outside and the grass was crackling with frost. Kitten pressed himself against me in an effort to keep warm. Connie was always busy. Too busy to answer the door. I stared at my white, cloudy breath, trying to ignore the cold. Eventually, the door opened. Emily grinned at me, handing me the lab coat she had just discarded.
“Busy day?” I asked, buttoning it over my striped jumper.
“Jonathon’s in today. He strained a claw.”
“Perfect. Just perfect.” I groaned, snapping the plastic gloves over my numb hands. I was expecting to lose a pint of blood. Rebecca, our coven leader, had a dragon for her familiar.
Connie is sort of the vet of our community. But she has to deal with things a lot more exotic than dogs and cats. Kitten shot inside like a hairy bullet.
I groaned. It was barely colder inside than out. A long hallway with a steel ceiling and walls stretched ahead of me, fluorescent lights creating an artificial brightness. I moved quickly, partly to keep out the chill, and partly because I knew Connie would be livid if I was a minute late.
I pushed open the door to the waiting room. It was a large room, with an array of veterinary and magical paraphernalia cluttered on the desk. There were metal cages built into the wall for animals waiting for operation. A salamander, a black cat, and an owl blinked at me from the gloom, their jewel-bright eyes glittering. To the other side of the room were chains for tying up the larger animals. Usually there were all manner of griffins, kelpies and cockatrices straining at their leashes in a tangled of muscle, fur and feathers. There was only one animal there today. And it wasn’t chained up.
It blinked at me. Then, in one smooth movement, it bounded towards me. I screamed, reacting instinctively. My leg came round in a powerful side kick, smashing into the hell hound’s stomach. I heard a grunt from the animal, then a whine. The momentum from my kick had made me spin towards the floor. I landed heavily on the metal, jarring my wrist. I kept on screaming, scrambling backwards frantically until my back hit the wall hard. Hysterical tears were leaking out from under my eyelids. Something hot and wet licked my face. I kicked my legs like a child in a tantrum, screeching at the top of my voice. Fear took over my mind, an overriding, wild fear. I heard footsteps. There were loud voices and the hell hound was dragged out from on top of me. I kept on lashing and screaming.
There were rapping footsteps on the steel and a blur of high pitched voices. One of them was Connie’s. They all sounded panicked.
My fist connected with something. Someone swore loudly. “Jesus. Someone give her something.”
More cussing. “I can’t! She’s squirming too much!”
“Katie, baby, stay still,”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay still. If I did, they would get me. I felt something whizz past my ear.
More voices. “Katie’s having one of her fits. Yeah. No, I’m not worried about the dog. She’s completely panicking. I told you, I can’t, she won’t keep still!” Connie’s on the phone about you. The small voice of reason in my head said, but sheer terror drowned it out.
I heard footsteps closer to me and tried to scramble away desperately. I heard someone mutter something, and I felt my body go limp and smash against the cold metal floor.




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I really enjoyed the story; I thought it was very interesting and a great concept. I thought you decription was really good and I really liked when you decribed how she was feeling when she got hysterical. That was all amazing.

I think at the begining you need to add more explanantion inparts to help the reader understand what you are talking about. "Cobwebb"? I have no idea and I still didn't find out.

Secondly, "It was barely colder inside than out" Do you mean: It was barely colder outside than in? Because that makes much more sense to me!

Otherwies I think you have an amazing story, all you need is more explanantion in parts. Hope that helps. Xxx
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If you get a chance got you check out my Literary Works please. I would really appreciate it. Xxx
Passion for writing make all the difference; it turns a good novel into a great one.




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Hey I'm back for chap 1!

It’s large, it’s true, and slightly crumbly, but that’s normal in old houses.
what does 'it's true' mean in this sentence?
I summoned his soul from hell and bound it into a normal cat’s body. He’s quite sweet, actually, but he’ll defend me to the death.
In your second sentence, the 'but' should be an 'and'. If you say but, it means that the second part of your second will contradict the first. When in this case, defending her to the death would go along with being sweet, I think.

Those were the only nitpicks I found xD

Another great chapter! I'm really impressed with the way you describe things. You have the perfect amount of detail, not too little where I'm having to fill in things myself, and not too much where I'm drowning in your words. You describe rooms, people, situations, and emotions alike. You don't leave anything out. I particularly liked how you described your characters appearances. I also love how you created the houses, I have a cool pic of those in my head too ^_^

I think you have a great main character, and I can't wait to see more sides of her. She doesn't seem like your typical fearless hero, but someone much more realistic and relate able, even weak in some ways.

I can't wait to see you expand on your characters and really have their personalities shine. Elizabeth seems really interesting, and I bet Cassie has some hidden talents up her sleeve. I'd like to see more of the relationship between Kitten and Katie.

I get that this is a story about witches, but are there going to be any male characters in this novel? I'm just wondering x)

So keep it up! I can't wait to see what kinds of things will unfold! Keep me updated!
black
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Hello, Aquareed.

I love witches and withcraft, I have them play a major role in my fantasy series.

As for your opening, here are some things I spotted.

I lifted the damp t-shirt to my face and inhaled in ecstasy.
Inhaled means to breathe in. So this should read, ...to my face and inhaled ecstasy.

A brisk wind that smelt richly of overturned leaves touched my face and played around my long skirt.
What do overturned leaves smell like?

I had come in at half past two last night.
Although its dark when it's half past two, it's not night, its early morning. It is never night at half past two, it's either morning or afternoon.

My senses were deadened by fatigue (I hadn’t gotten much sleep the past night either) and had accidently set off the Cobweb.
Deadened? That a word? I'm going to search my dictionary. Ha, look at that I learned something new. Still, its use is a bit awkward. Deadened means numbed, fatigued, etc. So deadened by itself is enough of an explanation.

Luckily, I had managed to trip into bed quickly enough so as Ferinn blamed it on a cat (The neighbourhood pets are always setting it off. Especially cats. Cats have an affinity with Witchcraft, so they’re drawn to our house.)

I feel like the wicthcraft bit here is sort of an info-dump. You may as well just open with, I'm a witch. But if you're trying to slowly draw the reader into the story which I assume you're trying to do, then just say, Cats are drawn to our house. And leave it as a question for us to ask, and read on to find the answer to.

My house looks passably normal from the outside. It’s large, it’s true, and slightly crumbly, but that’s normal in old houses.
It's a true house? Crumbly? You mean rickety, the structure isn't as sturdy anymore, the walls are thin, the paint is drab?
You should either pick one or two adjectives to describe the whole house, adjectives that do the complete job, or go into more detail like I have in my questioning. Are the walls thin, is the paint drab and chipped, do the doors and floorboards creak?

Other than that, I thought this was a nice beginning. I will definitely be reading more of this story. :)
Hope this helps, by the way.



It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien