Alone, but alive

Happy birthday, I am quite right twenty
having been cursed for this latter decade to share
a date with terrorism, but no matter how long
I sit and stare and wait alone (party of one),
the candles on my cake never topple over.
My ten wishes are always carried forth in
ten celebratory, happy birthday breaths
that I may still be here today, alone but alive.

Spoiler

Just another 9/11 poem. I wanted to take it in a different direction. I don't think it succeeds very well xP

Happy birthday, I am quite right twentyThis felt redundant- the qiute right part
having been cursed for this latter decade to sharewhat do u mean by a date with terrorism?
a date with terrorism, but no matter how longI think till...sit and stare should be on this line to maintain rhyming
I sit and stare and wait alone (party of one),
the candles on my cake never topple over
.My ten wishes always carried forth in ten celebratory, isn't it 20, why ten
happy birthday breaths
that I may still be here today, alone but alive.

Well, I can assure you the I saw the depression. The rhyming scheme didn't seem to work ver well. It left me a bit confused, but the original message came through.

Audy wrote:Happy birthday, I am quite right twenty
having been cursed for this latter decade to share
a date with terrorism, but no matter how long
I sit and stare and wait alone (party of one),
the candles on my cake never topple over.
My ten wishes are always carried forth in
ten celebratory, happy birthday breaths
that I may still be here today, alone but alive.

Hey, Audy! moon here to review as you asked.

So sorry I'm late, but I was behind in some school-work. Anyway I'm here so let's do it!

Firstly, I wanted to quote your whole poem to tell you it was heart-touching the way you described about being alone. About being alive, and as Maimoona said the original message got through.

Although, you need to work a bit on your rhyme scheme. Make it a bit more clear for the reader to understand what you are trying to say. Space it out (for the lack of a better phrase) a bit and maybe expand it some to clear out confusions. Because I got a bit confused in some places too and I would've understood it better if I some more to read and maybe some more description.

I would love to read more when - if - you chose to expand this. PM me if you need any more help and thanks for asking me...

Hope this helps you...

Keep writing...

-moon-

I like this, probably more than I'll ever be able to express. That being said, I like the identity of this poem. The way that it gives the narrator or you, a voice that is sordid and somber. I like a voice like this.

So, first off, interesting.

Secondly, I would like to note the fact that this is relatively short, which is nice. It shows true skill seeing as most people trying to write poetry can't get their thoughts straight enough so that the poem gets its point across. This is and you did so well. That being said, once again, I give you another thumbs up for another category crossed.

Now, on a critical standpoint, the first four lines pale in comparison to the last four. Was this because you wanted to simply set up for that rather interesting, hard hitting point or was there any certain purpose to keeping things so simple? I suppose, what I really want to say is that yes, this is a 9/11 poem, but the best way to make it connectable with each and every reader is to make its accessible in more than one way. Not saying that you jumped at this wrong. Just that, when I look at the aforementioned lines, I get the feeling that you really want to set up some form of a framework so that those last lines hit hard. This, though, made the first couple lines seem weak and kind of boring.

This did not detract me from enjoying the poem on a whole, though. Its sour. Bittersweet. It has a nice scheme to it rhythm and flow-wise, and I love the metaphoric 'candles-topping' theme. All in all, pretty well executed for a short piece!

Sorry this couldn't be longer. I didn't see all that much that I could have noted up on which, in all honesty, is a good sign that you're in the right direction .

~Walker