Victims of fear

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Part 1


It all began in the night, with a single scream. A scream of fear; the fear of the death. I was in my room, sleeping, my sister also lost in her dreams when we heard it. I woke with a start, my veins pulsating rapidly. I ran to the palour to find the source, my sister close behind. Life was in a matter of seconds.

They were everywhere. Their guns pointed erect at one target: my father. He stood by the door of his room, tears trickling down his eyes. My sister screamed then they saw us. ‘’On the ground, now!’’ yelled one of them. He held a crowbar with a look of hunger in his eyes. This was a robbery.
We were on the ground, held at gun point. Our bodies were jammed fast to the frigid tiles as sweat dribbled down our ebony skins. ‘’Where is the money?’’ the leader asked with a glint of amusement dancing in his eyes. The others started rummaging the house looking for anything valuable. It was a frantic search as they toppled over the furniture and anything in their path. ‘’I’ve only got ₦25,000; I keep my money in the bank. Please don’t kill us, I beg you in the name of God!!’’ My father cried pleading for mercy as he gave the money to the thief.

‘’Only ₦25,000, with all the information we heard from you?’’ The leader yelled. As my body started shivering with fear, my brain told me that there was an inside man on this operation. This was no random attack. My mother and my sister stayed still, their body covered in sweat. I heard a faint whisper from them ‘’God please help us. Don’t leave us alone’’

After they felt contented with their plunder, they locked us in the toilet saying they were going to the next house and any noise or movement we made, would mean sudden death. We sat their quietly with no noise but the sobs of my sister and the whispers of my mother. I had thought it was over until I heard the banging of hands on wood. The traumatic experience was only beginning.
Tend your flame. It's what all we've got.




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Hi there!

Wow...this is great! I love the way you really got into your character's head and showed us what was happening through his eyes. Your descriptions are great and I could really feel the fear that your characters were feeling. The ending was great as it left the reader hanging, wanting to read more. I really couldn't find anything to critique so, I figured I'd just tell you how much I enjoyed reading it.

PM me or post on my wall when you put up more parts! Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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You have an exciting and great story here! Now time for the nitpicks! :D

A scream of fear; the fear of the death.


This is a fragment and not a compete sentence because you don’t have a subject. Unless you are trying to make “death” the subject, but that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The last part also doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, “The fear of the death.” You make death sound like a person, and if you are trying to do that then you need to be more clear. Otherwise reword it to, “the fear of death.” And just cut the “the”.

I was in my room, sleeping, my sister was also lost in her dreams when we heard it.


This sentence doesn’t make sense, so stick in “was”.

I ran to the palour to find the source, my sister close behind. Life was in a matter of seconds.


I think you meant “parlor” not “palour”. Also when did your sister get up? I would have your character meet her in the hall. Or say, “I ran towards the parlor as my sister came barreling out of her room and followed me.” Or something to that extent. Also the, “Life was in a matter of seconds,” doesn’t really make sense. Did you mean it was moving fast, or that time seemed to stand still that each second felt like a life time? I would consider revising it.

Their guns pointed erect at one target: my father.


Erect seems like an odd word choice. I would say, “directly”. Or some other words that implies the guns were pointed at your father.

My sister screamed then they saw us.


This is two different points that you mashed into one sentence. Since this is two thoughts you should separate them. “My sister let out a shrill scream of terror. The men turned around and saw us, standing there.” A bad example but hopefully you can see what I mean.”

This was a robbery.


I honestly thought this was an execution. You talk about all these men with guns, and how your dad is crying. It felt more like they came to kill then to steal.

Our bodies were jammed fast to the frigid tiles as sweat dribbled down our ebony skins.


There is nice detail in this sentence. But instead of “skins” it should be “skin.”

My father cried pleading for mercy as he gave the money to the thief.


Should be a comma after “cried”.

‘’Only ₦25,000, with all the information we heard from you?’’ The leader yelled. As my body started shivering with fear, my brain told me that there was an inside man on this operation.


Why would there be an inside man? What information have we heard? This just confused me as I don’t know who you are, or what makes your family worth robbing? Clarify this, and it will help me know why people are bothering to break into your house. Are you rich? Is your dad famous?

My mother and my sister stayed still, their body covered in sweat.


When did your mother ever come down? Tell us when, because I thought it was only your dad, sister, and you. Also it should be, “their bodies covered in sweat.”

After they felt contented with their plunder, they locked us in the toilet saying they were going to the next house and any noise or movement we made, would mean sudden death.


Contented sounds odd. I would try to reword the sentence to, “Feeling content with their plunder they locked us…” or something like. Also I would say, “bathroom,” instead of toilet.

The traumatic experience was only beginning.


Great ending line. It made me want to know what was happening, why it was only beginning, and definitely pulled me in for more. :)

Overall:

You have a great start to a story here, and you just need to clean it up a bit. Tell us more about who you are, and why your family is worth robbing. Also tell us when your mother comes down, because until you mentioned her I figured there was no mother.

Also I would describe the bad guys a bit more. Did they wear masks, how many of them were there? What makes you think this was an inside job? If it was, who would the insider be? Do you have a butler?

Just giving us a little more detail would take this story to a whole new level. Anyways you are doing great, keep writing, and if you have any questions feel free to PM me!



A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.
— Franz Kafka