Purity Lost

Spoiler

This story came along as my fingers moved across the keyboard. I really didn't know what I was writing till I came to the last paragraph. It's really not my kind of writing and it didn't make much sense to me. But, I'm just giving it a shot so, guys...Please be as HARSH as POSSIBLE!!!

The rain trickled down on her perfectly done, auburn hair. Rain droplets joined the tears on her makeup-caked rosy cheeks. She looked like a doll…
A beautiful doll.
Yet… so sad…
So pained at heart.

The wind howled through her purple-pink, floor-length gown. All the sparkles in her eyes faded a long time ago. Now, she’s standing, isolated on a pavement, next to a closed down fast-food outlet; drenching in the icy rain with the soreness that filled her up.

How could he? After all that we’ve been through? After how much I trusted him… How could he?

The scene she’d just seen kept playing in her mind. Haunting her. Stabbing her each time. She couldn’t believe her eyes. The scene she’d never imagined she’d see, played out like a horror film, right in front of her eyes.

The kiss that tore her heart into two, in a matter of seconds. She didn’t want to believe it was him. But, how could it not be? He had the same gleaming green eyes, same lush brown hair and the same sweet smile that would melt her heart anytime…

No. It’s not real. I won’t believe it…

Thunder now struck the sky, the way pain wrenched at her heart. Rain poured all over her and the soft cool wind encircled her. She no longer felt the chill on her bare arms and neck. Fresh tears streamed down her delicate features and her knee felt strength no more as she grabbed hold onto a lamppost nearby. That cold column of steel seemed to be giving her more support than her two-timing boyfriend ever would.

How could he have done this to me? Why?

She dropped onto her feet, still clutching onto the post, as though it was some sort of lifesaver. She just sat there, weeping and whishing she could turn back time. Back to when she was a normal girl, who didn’t make the biggest mistake of her life. Oh what she’d give to make all this fake. Unreal. Untrue.

Her loud wails were inaudible under the storms violent tune. But, who’d be there to hear her? Who will there be to save her from the endless stream of misery she’s feeling? Who? She cried loud and hard, growing weak with every tremor her heart felt. Growing stiff with ever touch of the icy wind.

She was crying, not because of the boy that deceived, cheated and lied to her. Not because she’d been trampled on, without noticing…

It was because she’d lost her innocence to a boy she loved, but never loved her back. It was because of the purity she’s lost, that can never be recovered. She trusted him; saw a beautiful future with him. But all she got was a big slap on the face.

“Youth and vitality is wasted on the young.” her father’s words echoed in her mind.

I so wish I listened to you…

One impulsive decision. One stupid mistake. One rational screw-up. And now…

She’s crying for what she’s lost…

The rain trickled down on her perfectly done, auburn hair. Rain droplets joined the tears on her makeup-caked rosy cheeks. Well, I’m not an avid reader, maybe that’s y- but makeup caked sounds odd. Reminds me off the Aunties who over-blush- if u get me. She looked like a doll… This was good on the imagery (Yes u deserved the A in English, I’m counting on a high A* next year, k? )
A beautiful doll.
Yet… so sad…
So pained at heart. I understand y u put the spaces, but it seems odd. Like a poem. And, ppl say not to use ellipses but use – instead. But I don’t get the feeling then though. Still, ellipses lowers your formal and professional- ness.
The wind howled…… filled her up. This was very elaborately described but I felt the pace. Gud.
The scene she’d just ………her eyes. The punctuation is admirable. Is this the story to ur poem?
sweet smile that would melt her heart anytime… Girl, I felt the oddness of this ellipses.
No. It’s not real. I won’t believe it… This ellipses was so natural, it didn’t catch my eye. Thoughts are informal enough for usage of ellipses.
her knee felt strength no more as she grabbed hold onto a lamppost nearby. Her knees felt no more strength. She held onto an adjacent lamppost for support- Same words, just a different way round. This seems less…disrupting to your graceful flow.{/i] That cold column of steel seemed to be giving her more support than her [i]two-timing boyfriend ever would. K, two-timing boyfriend? Very disrupting to graceful, professional, soft flow of yours. Just seems unnatural, out of your feelings at this instance. Try changing the word.
Her loud wails were inaudible under the storms violent tune. Storms violent tune- seems weirdly worded. Tune doesn’t go here. But, who’d be there to hear her? Who will there be to save her from the endless stream of misery she’s feeling? ‘who will be there’ I guess? And, ‘endless stream of misery’ seems redundant. Your whole writing was so beautiful at the flow and emotion. She was never dramatic up until now, so the drama is not flowing.
……..But all she got was a big slap on the face. Darling, no. U have this different world you take me to and then suddenly, instead of the beautiful steady rain- you throw a bomb. The words seem out of place. I seem to feel that suddenly, you get bored of your writing and style and thenjust write what you feel like writing. Keep the steadiness, k? And the emotions that were expressed in between, nicely done. Emotions expressed without drama.
She’s crying for what she’s lost… her virginity, her love, her heart…..Oh, grief! *sniff*sniff* I think you have an amazing natural style. No u don’t have excessive imagination or emotion (like moi-) but you have great control over your writing and that is well expressed. The dress of the girl though, seemed odd.

All I'm gonna say is. I loved this one. <3
KEEP EM COMING MATE.