Hidden - Chapter One

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Chapter ONE: HELL
LOCATION: Glasgow’s Queen Victoria prep for the gifted and talented.

My hell, school.
School was not somewhere I wanted to go; like the park. It was somewhere compulsory It’s not that I didn’t like the idea of school in general; it was just the people inside the building that I couldn’t take. The abuse began before I even stepped onto the grounds; the big 18th century boarding house was staring down at me. Its cathedral looking roof towered over me, with eyes glaring, “You don’t belong here, get out!” No I don’t belong here, in this stuck up private school, ‘we are so much better than the public’ rubbish. The only reason I’m here in the first place is because my father used to be the headmaster. Brought from the abandoned public school and pulled it into the new era. This school was now one of the most respected private schools in the whole of the country. It was getting better results than Eton, for crying out loud. The big heavy brown wooden doors, a hundred times the size of me stood shut, I was late and Miss Bradley wasn’t going to be impressed. Not that she ever was with me anyway.
The teachers saw me as a nuisance and a nuisance I was.
The two hardest points of my day were; walking in the school doors and walking into my home. The two places where I’m supposed to feel safe. I felt like a prisoner. Stuck in my head were spinning nightmares of this place; Several times I had images of the large ghostly windows, people screaming for mercy, people screaming to get out. It was only when I woke up, that I released the people who were screaming were not people at all. Just me.
My school shoes were falling off my feet, the backs of them caving in, constantly hitting my heel as I walked. The sound was not pleasant compared to the hall. All marble, even the two staircases that entwined at the top of the landing, leading to the first floor. It was such an terrible place, big dusty purple drapes hung over the stained glass windows, a big chandelier was lighting up the room, but it seemed slightly old and out of place, like me. It was like the castle in Dracula and it gave me the shivers.
“This is the third time, that you have been late this week, headmaster’s office. Now!” Miss Bradley was right on cue. She was standing behind me. I could feel her big brown sharp eyes bulging into the back of my skull. I turned keeping my eyes to the floor, clutching my large jumper at its ragged ends, the only thing I owned that seemed to protect me from the outside world. I could only make out her shoes, black with a tiny heel. Skeleton like legs were hid over bagged black trousers.
“No more excuses and get some new school shoes... someone would think you such a thing as an abused child” her thick voice shrieked; it sounded like she didn’t believe in such a thing as an abused child. Ha, if only she knew the bruises I hid under my jumper. She enforced that way of thinking too; she was only twenty-five but had the mind of a sixty year old mental patient. She had before, thrown a book at me and none had bothered to say a word. Not even I. Not that it was a big deal anyway, nobody cared. Not when it came to me... Lily Rose, the girl with a sweet name but a supposedly bad temper.
So... I had thrown a few chairs in my time but I had seen a psychiatrist for that... still was. I turned quickly on my heel before I would do something I was likely to regret.
“Sorry you had to see this Mr. White she is one of our more problematic students, you get one in every school unfortunately” Mr. White? I definitely did not recognise the name, maybe a new guy. Being a private school you get a lot of them. No matter, it was just another person to laugh at me cowardly behind my back. He didn’t matter, none of them did. I crossed my arms covering my stomach protecting myself from the world outside; my old, bagged knitted jumper hung loosely by my sides and the itchy material was tickling my arm comforting me. Why was it so cold? It was always so cold here; the marble hallways were so scary. The shadows hit the walls creating fake poltergeists. It gave me shivers. The whole school was like this. It was like I was trapped in the eighteenth century. I was coming up to the spookiest corridor in the whole school; it was called ‘Past, Present and future’. They called it this because it has portraits of all the old headmasters dating back to the 1509 when the school was founded by William Witsman. It also had the present headmaster’s office there. As I walked down the surprisingly dark corridor, I swear the eyes of the portraits were following me, I swear that the breeze was going the wrong way. As I was getting to the end of the corridor I slowed. My father’s portrait was coming up; I held a breath as my eyes met his.
This picture gave him no justice, the eyes staring back at me looked dead. While in real life, they weren’t anything but alive. They always seemed to be glistening with something; Excitement, happiness, fright. His face looked middle aged, but smooth, handsome. His body stood proud and his black suit was blinding. He looked the most modern out of all the headmasters. God, I missed him so much. I looked underneath to the gold frame which read “Loving father, son and master. R.I.P. John Rose 1961-2006” It didn’t affect me like it used too but my heart swelled. I miss you daddy...
“Do I have to see you here every day Miss Rose?” The voice was a lot kinder than Miss Bradley’s but still had a harsh edge.
“I was late again” I answered back, no hint of shame in my voice. I stood proud.
“I figured, Run along now before I make you even later”
“Yes sir”
“Good Girl” Mr. Felix was kind. He took over the position after my father died. He brought me in as one his ‘projects’, it didn’t work. I just got worse, externally, internally, deepening myself into my own mind, creating things that didn’t exist because I didn’t want anything to do with the cold workings of the cold shinning world that blackened with every step I took. He was medium height with an untidy moustache that curled at the edges. He was of small build and looked slightly like a scrawny rat. I walked back down the corridor trying not to look at any of the portraits in the eye and slowly made my way up the west wing and into the six form classroom. I hesitated before I opened the heavy brass handled door. I just wanted to shut the door and run but my physiatrist gave me a tick, before I did something I didn’t want to do, or to calm down, I should close my eyes and count to ten. I opened the door reluctantly.
Then I saw him, the beautiful boy. The beautiful boy was sitting in the only available seat, mine. His face was as perfect as the rest of his body, chiselled to perfection. His high cheek bones and perfect blue eyes were filled with absolute boredom as they flickered from Mr. Fitz to me. My eyes wouldn’t look away as he stared at me, his eyes suddenly filled with amusement.
“Oh, you’re still here” It was Mr. Fitz, I was used to this sort of talk, surprisingly more from the teachers then the actual students, who just ignored me like I didn’t exist. I reluctantly slipped my eyes from the now curious eyes of the stranger as I looked at Mr. Fitz. Mr. Fitz was tall and very skinny. His face was slim and his eyes were snappy, they noticed everything. His suit hung off his body and his glasses slumped down his long pointed beak of a nose.
“Yes I am still here” There was a pause as the whole class stared amusingly at me, as my eyes fell to the floor in embarrassment. “Was there any reason I should have be gone?” It was almost a whisper.
“No, I suppose not” He signed as he wrote a new name in the register. “Sorry, you’re going to have to stand, oh and, close the door” I stepped inside what seemed like a colder room. Eagle like eyes everywhere staring at me, prodding at me like needles, I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I could hear them from here, hear them saying;
“Ha, look she’s talking to herself again!” I closed the door behind me and leaned against it letting my head fall back on the hard surface; I closed my eyes and dreamed of the little girl in the buckled shoes.
“Right Nathaniel, this is Lily Rose she is taking most of the lessons you are, so you might see her around though she does have this ability to turn invisible sometimes” Mr. Fitz mouth tugged into a little smile and glanced at me slyly. The stranger merely nodded and looked out the window.
Suddenly the sun flew through the dusty old window hitting his dark chocolate hair and creating a halo, defining all of his angel like features. Each one of the six girls in the room gasped and Nathanial’s smile couldn’t be mistaken. Classical music suddenly filled the room; it was the so-called ‘Bell’.
“Right everyone, One hour of TV tonight, If I find out from your parents you have been watching more, then you will have a detention” but all fourteen kids were already out the door socializing with each other, bitching about each other, stabbing each other in the back. I signed and kept my face to the floor. ‘Don’t draw attention to yourself, it’ll only make you feel worse’ I sat in every lesson with my head down, letting my mind wonder, doodling on my notebooks, taping my shoes together for the fifth time. I ran out of the building in relief, the park, oh the wonderful park.


Stay tuned for Chapter two: FLASHBACK! Comments highly appreciated :)
Last edited by EvensLily on Mon Sep 26, 2011 2:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Write and Smile people! X




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This was really good, you know, I'm curious as to who this mysterious Nathaniel kid is and I cannot wait to read more. It's keeping me wondering about how Lily's dad died. I can however, make a comparison to the character. This part:
The two hardest points of my day were; walking in the school doors and walking into my home. The two places where I’m supposed to feel safe. I feel like a prisoner.

I can relate with that part exactly because that's exactly what it's like for me. Overall, great job and I can't wait to read more.




~Faith
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.




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Hey Lily, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

My hell, School.


Why is school capitalised?

It was somewhere compulsorily.


compulsory.

Brought it down from its dump and pulled it into the new era.


down from its dump?

I feel like a prisoner.


Tense!

“This is the third time you have been late this week headmaster’s office now!”


Run-on sentence, get some punctuation in here!

“No more excuses and get some new school shoes... someone would think you such a thing as an abused child” her thick voice shrieked;


This article is a very useful piece on dialogue punctuation. Read it and master the grammar, once you learn it you'll never forget it!

a sixty year old metal patient.


mental
the six form dormitory.


I'm confused, they're having class in a dorm? I thought it was a day school?

tapeing my shoes together for the fifth time.


taping.

II. CLICHÉS

You know what they are, you know how the story goes. Girl has tragic life. Girl meets beautiful boy. Boy falls inexplicably in love with girl. Boy has supernatural secret. It's all been done a million times. Now, sometimes clichés are good! Sometimes clichés are what keep us reading a story! But sometimes they're, as you'd imagine, painfully predictable.

Your chapter's full of clichés. They aren't bad individually but put together. Firstly, let's look at Lily's life. How tragic could it be? Not only does she hate her school, but she gets abused at home, not only does she get abused at home but she's also mourning the death of a parent. How miserable must she be?! The problem is, for me it's not all hanging together. If it's such an elitist private school, the teachers are sure to notice that something might be up at home, they may investigate. Who is it exactly who's abusing her? If it's so bad that she's covered in bruises I figure she might be spending a little more time thinking about the perpetrators.

This tragedy is the main issue I have, I just feel like you're overdoing it. Bullied in school, abused at home and bereaved? And then all of a sudden there's a strange new beautiful boy in her class who's in most of her classes with her. He has high cheekbones. I have a question, do you ever look at a hot guy and think, "Yup, it's his cheekbones that are doing it for me!" Because I don't.

My advice is just to try and break from the clichés. Don't make Lily's life a trainwreck. Sure, she has problems, but don't overload her and yet only half develop them. Make Nathaniel attractive in non-conventional ways, don't look at his facial structure, look at what he's reading under the table or his sense of humour. Shake things up, and don't just stick to the tragic-girl-meets-beautiful-boy teen novel formula.

III. OVERALL

You've got some great storytelling skills here! I just think that you need to use them a little more to be a bit more creative :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Sup yo.

I have to agree with Stellz on this one. It is very cliched. It is only the first chapter so I believe you will be able to pull out of that whole trap quite easily, bit at the moment it is a bit redundant. You kind of over do the woe-is-me and I believe you can fix this up nicely by focusing more on dialogue and interactions with other characters. You see, first person tends to be a trap unless you pull it off right.

You have good characterization in the snappiness of Lily, which is totally awesome. The problem is that that is drowned out by all these inner thoughts. You have to balance it. Maybe add some of the snappiness in the few fragments of dialogue into her actual thoughts. It seems she is used to being degraded by others and let down, so maybe make her start making fun of them in her mind. Give her weird quirks to take away from the melodrama. Everything that Stellz said is absolutely true and I believe you should follow her advice closely.

Now I'm also going to elaborate a bit on your large inner thought paragraphs again but for a different reason. And that is the case of showing and telling. You are not at all bad like some people I know are, but you still have a little bit to work on. You tend to just blandly state she is miserable and then why she is. It is almost like info dumping. Instead of repeatedly talking about her miserableness, I would describe her actions a little bit more, using adverbs to display her emotions instead. It would also take away from the woe just a little bit. Instead of just pulling the doors open, make her grudgingly grasp the handle and take in a deep breath. Talk about how her shoulders are hunched. Make it more animated for the reader.

Which brings me to another point. By doing what I recommended, it enables you to be able to get some details of her appearance out there and some more details about the setting without infodumping. You do this fairly well already, but by adding more details, you will be better able to paint a picture for the reader.

Overall, you are a great writer and I love your voice. Can't wait to read more.

Go Team Red! For Gryffindor!

~Incognito
'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the priviledge.'




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I like how descriptive it is. Lily is a good character, albeit she seems a little depressing to be around. One thing i suggest is to spend a bit more focusing on Lily's interaction with her peers.



Life is like a bag of potatoes, it starts out rough, but can turn into something beautiful (and yummy).
— Ley