A Strange New World, Chapter 2

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Chapter 2
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Nenaela woke up warm, and with something bright in her face. She groaned, could she have slept through the entire night? It certainly did not feel like it. She sat up and something fell off of her, exposing her to the cold of the night and she shivered before lifting it back up around her. It was heavy and thick, made of something that was softer than anything she had ever felt and covered all of her easily. She still did not open her heavy eyes but instead turned her face towards the light source. It warmed her cold cheeks and she raised her eyebrows. It really was morning! But the sun was in the wrong place. She sighed and looked down at her warm covering. She may as well solve one mystery at a time. She opened her eyes, and frowned. “What is this?”

“A cloak.”

She looked up at Keegan then back down at the cloak. “A cloak?” She sounded it out slowly, trying to make certain that she had the word right.

“Ye-es. A cloak.” He said slowly as if she were stupid.

“What is it for?”

“Keeping warm.” He told her, using his condescending voice.

Nenaela tried to reign in her temper at his tone then something occurred to her. “Elves create things to keep themselves warm? That is a racial thing, getting cold?”

“Of course, what did you think? That you were some sort of hairless Draka?”

“Yes.”

He sighed loudly. “Of course you did.”

She ignored his last comment and fingered the material before realizing that although it was light around the two of them, it was still night. How was that even possible? She looked over behind her and then in front, only to close her eyes and hiss in pain. Whatever it was it hurt to look at! She slowly opened one eye and then the other and looked at it through squinted eyes. It was light, and dancing. It looked so alive and was licking the wood underneath it merrily. She could not help but smile at the bright cheeriness of it. “What is that?” She breathed, enthralled.

“A Fire.”

She didn’t even notice his tone, she was busy staring. “A feyre?”

“Fire. A fire.”

“Feuer.”

“Fire!”

“Oh, a fuer.” She repeated, doing her best to sound it out.

“You are still mistaken! A fire!”

“A fuer!”

“FIRE!”

“FUER!”

Keegan sighed and rolled his eyes. “You know what? That is correct.”

She smiled again and then tilted her head in confusion. “Is it alive?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Oh.” And she put her hand into the fire.

For a tiny moment Keegan did not realize what she had done, and then he saw her hand in the hottest part of the flames, simply being held there and he reacted immediately. He lunged forward and threw her to the ground onto her back, effectively removing her hand from the flames. “What is wrong with you?!” He snarled, pulling her to her feet and examining her hand.

She looked down at her hand in shock as it suddenly burst into pain. “Ow Keegan! What has happened?!”

“You idiot! It is hot!”

She looked down at her blistering hand in shock. “What is happening?”

“It is called a burn.”

“It hurts so badly!”

“Yes, that is what burns do.” He tugged her roughly into the darkness and ofrced her hand into something ice cold.

The instant relief the cold water brought to her hand made her sigh and pull away from Keegan, but she kept her hand in the water. “Why did the fire do that?”

“Because that is what fire is meant to do! What were you thinking?! Now stay here, I am going to get bandages.”

She ignored his cold words and looked down at the dark water. Her eyes were adjusting enmough that she could see the changing of land to water and even the trees around it. She smiled and pulled her hand out of the water, hissing in pain until she dropped the burned hand into the cold mud of the bank. Her hand quickly healed itself and she smiled.
“You did not pull your hand from the water, did you?” Keegan asked, returning.

She dropped her hand back into the water silently and shook her head. “No Keegan.”

“Good, now give me your hand.”

“Why?”

“So I can bandage it.”

“What are bandages?”

“They are for wounds, they help to heal.”

“Oh. I do not need any bandages.”

“What?”

“My hand is already better.”

“Give me your hand.”

She held it out and waited as his rough hands turned it over and over, feeling it as if he were waiting for her to be in pain.

"Give me your other hand.”

She obeyed and he repeated the process on her other hand.

“That did not hurt?”

“No.”

“Where have your burns gone?”

“I do not know.” She responded, pulling her hand from his.

“That is the strangest thing I have ever seen.” He murmured, but did not ask questions. “We should have supper.”

“Supper? What have you caught?” She asked, her belly reminding her how hungry she truly was. She stood and caught the faint glimmer of firelight in the thick forest. She headed towards it, not bothering to wait for Keegan.

He caught up to her easily and sat down next to the fire, pulling something off of it. “Here,” he told her, handing her a
hot piece of meat.

“What have you done to it? Where is the fur?” She asked, looking over the cooked meat.

“You eat it raw?” He asked, giving her another of his strange looks.

Nenaela examined his face, trying to determine what his expression meant. His face was so different from a Draka’s she had no idea how to read it. There simply were no similarities.

“Well do you?” Keegan persisted.

“Keegan, what is raw?”

“Not cooked.”

“What is cooked?”

“It is- nevermind. Forget that I even asked.”

She frowned, still trying to decipher his expression. She had never before understood what the pack members meant when they said that she was impossible to read, but she was beginning to.

“Eat. You look half starved.”

She looked down at the food, and frowned. “Whatever you say.” And bit into it. It was not any flavor she had ever eaten before. It was warm and tangy and tasted divine compared to any and every food she had before nibbled. “What is this?” It was not fowl or Elf, of that she was certain. The taste was all wrong.

“It is probably better that you do not know. The Draka do not eat anything but flying creatures and Elves as far as I know.”

“That is correct. It is a flying creature then?”

He looked at her over the fire, his eyes thoughtful. “Yes.”

“Elves do not eat themselves do they?”

“No, they do not. They eat nearly everything else, but not any of the other speaking races.”

“What else is there?”

He gave her another strange look. “Rabbits.”

“I have never heard of that. What is it?”

“Nevermind. Pretend I said nothing.”

She sighed at him and finished her meal, only a few bites filling her belly. She stretched and laid down on the ground, not
bothering to look for Keegan’s cloak. She would be warm enough.

“Are you going to sleep?”

“Yes Keegan. I am tired, what else am I to do?”

“We must continue on our way.”

“No. It is dark, no Draka will come after us, my belly is full and there is much time to sleep. I am going to sleep.” She told him finally, allowing her now drooping eyes to shut and her body to slip her into oblivious sleep.

The next morning Nenaela woke with the earliest shades of dawn, once again warm. She sat up and looked at Keegan’s cloak in shock. She distinctly remembered falling asleep without it, so why was it once again upon her? Nenaela shrugged it off and stretched long and easily then stood. Her bare feet were on damp ground and she flexed them into it, feeling the tune of the earth. “Keegan.” She said, closing her eyes and stretching over backwards until her hands reached the ground. There was no answer, so she opened her eyes and looked at him. He was still fast asleep. She stood back up. “Keegan.”

He didn’t so much as roll over.

She sighed in frustration and jabbed him with her finger. “Keegan!”

He groaned but did not move.

She jabbed him again, but he grabbed her finger tightly.

“I am awake. Do not poke me.” He growled, twisting her finger painfully.

She let her mouth fall open as she held in her complaints of pain and tried to pull from his grasp.

“Apologise.” He growled.

She tugged harder, trying to free herself.

One cold, merciless green eye opened. “You owe me an apology.”

“And you owe me much more than that Keegan.” Nenaela snapped back before she remembered to hold her tongue.

“What was that?”

“It is truth. You owe me the loss of my pride because you saved me.”

“Next time I will keep that in mind when I save people’s lives.”

“And next time I will keep in mind that you dislike being prodded awake Keegan.”

“Be certain that you do.”

“Let me go Keegan.”

He released her thin finger and they both glared at each other, neither daring to look away.

Nenaela knew what was going on. Whoever looked away first proved that they were not equal to the challenge and were attacked, it was a tactic common in Draka packs. It gave the attacker a small element of surprise and surprise was the most reliable weapon any one could have. She refused to look away.

“Keegan?” A deep, masculine voice echoed through the still forest.

They both looked towards the voice at the exact same time. A dark figure was making its way to them in the dim, early
dawn light and it waved at Keegan.

Keegan sighed. “Frayne.” He growled under his breath and fisted his hand before strapping on his weapon.

Nenaela was immediately reminded that she had no idea what the name of that was. “Keegan, what is that weapon called?”

“Be silent.”

“But Keegan-“

“Be silent! He will hear you!”

“Keegan I am-“

“It is a sword, now be silent and stay behind me. Do not let him see you.” Keegan snapped as Frayne came close enough that he would be able to hear.

“To whom do you speak Keegan?”

“I am not in any mood to deal with you Frayne.”

The man called Frayne came to a stop in front of Keegan. He had a sword strapped to his waist and wore a black cloak with all black. His dark hair was long and tied behind his head and his brown eyes were cold and vicious. The uncaring glint in his eye was the only thing he had in common with Keegan. There was something mean in his eyes, something that repulsed Nenaela. “Are you in the mood to find the girl?”

“What do you know of that?”

“Your mission? My uncle did send you on it after all, did you suppose that I am stupid enough to not know where our favorite assasin was?”

“I am not an assasin. And you know that.”

“Ah, right. I forgot. You are simply paying off your debt to my uncle.”

“That is correct.” Keegan replied.

“Personally I do not understand that. Killing is so thrilling! That is why I am here. To kill a woman that cannot defend herself, it would be the most incredible experience.”

Keegan glance behind him to see how the girl was responding to that comment, but she was gone. He hid his shock and looked back at Frayne. “You disgust me.”

“I disgust you? What do you know of disgust Keegan Fitzwilliam?”

“Enough to be sickened by the sight of you.”

Fayne’s face twisted and his brown eyes narrowed. “Watch your tongue.”

“As you wish.”

“You will respect me! I am your better!”

“As you wish.”

“Do not take that tone with me!”

“As you wish.”

Fayne turned red and pulled out his sword. “I will kill you!” He charged forward only to have a small, brown shadow drop from the tree and land in front of him. He did not even spare it a second glance until it reached out and hit his throat, forcing him to stop and try to draw a breath. He choked and dropped his sword to clutch his throat and try once more to draw breath.

The small shadow hit his belly and Frayne doubled over in pain before being thrown to the ground.

He started to get up to confront his attacker but it kicked him in the head and stomped on his wrist. A loud crack resounded and he screamed in pain.

“You will leave Keegan alone.” Nenaela snapped, and took her foot off of his broken wrist.

“Girl, you really should not have done that,” Keegan murmured, taking her wrist and pulling her quickly from Frayne’s side.

Frayne cradled his wrist to his chest and turned his face to them. “I will kill you both.”

“You are weak and powerless,” She responded scathingly.

“We need to go.” Keegan said quickly, throwing on his brown pouch and grabbing his cloak.

“We must finish with this cowardly cub.”

“No, leave him be. Now come.”

“I will destroy you!” Frayne bellowed as Keegan dragged the girl away as quickly as he could.

“Why did you leave him Keegan? He may live if he can hide from the Draka.” She asked, a little upset that he dragged her away so quickly.

“That man is very powerful, killing him would be a grevious mistake.”

“He is not powerful Keegan, Draka cubs are more challenging to fight.”

“Be silent, and listen. He is not someone you may fight and kill, he is far more dangerous than he seems.”

“Ha!”

“Come on!”

She sighed her frustration and followed him through the trees.

After several hours of following him Nenaela’s belly began grumbling in complaint and her legs ached from constantly walking. She didn’t want to walk any longer, but she also did not wish to be caught. She had been taken once and had barely escaped and she had no intention of repeating the experience.

“If you wish to stop then ask.” Keegan snapped at her.

“Keegan, can we stop? I am tired.”

“No.”

“Why did you bother telling me to ask?”

“I wished to see if you actually would.”

“I do not find that amusing.”

“I suppose not.”

“Keegan, please can we stop?”

“No. We will continue walking until night fall, by then we will have reached the edge of the forest.”

Nenaela frowned and kept walking. Suddenly she stopped and sat down. “No.”

Keegan turned and looked at her, did he dare let another innocent die? “Get up.”

She raised an eyebrow at him and planted herself more firmly in the dirt. “No. I am taking a rest Keegan.” She snapped, deciding right then and there that she would do as she wished. Not one person would stop her.

“Get up right now.”

“I am resting Keegan.”

He groaned in frustration and stood in front of her. “Do you want to be caught by your old pack? What about by a furious Frayne?”

“Why do you use his name so freely? A name is almost sacred, you are defiling it Keegan.”

“What?”

“A name is sacre-“

“He deserves his name defiled.”

Nenaela gave him her angriest look. “You cannot decide that!”

“I can decide what I wish!”

She stood up. “You have no right to do so! That is abusing power that has been granted to you!”

“That is exactly what Frayne does all the time!”

“He has not given you permission to tell me his name so stop using it around me Keegan!”

“I will use it when I wish Girl!”

“You will respect other people!”

“Who will make me?”

Nenaela felt her face heat up and she hit him as hard as she could, only to have her hand caught. She frowned at
Keegan’s hand that was wrapped around her fist and tried to hit him with the other hand. “I will make you Keegan.” She seethed and tried to kick him. Each and every time he stopped her and she got more and more angry until she pulled back out of his grip. “Fine! Do as you wish but do it outside my presence!” She stomped off in the direction they had been going before.

Keegan growled in frustration but let her go, his cold green eyes burning into her back.

She walked in the same direction, fuming, until nightfall. At that time she simply laid down, not having hunted during the day and she knew that she was not very good at moving about in the dark. So she curled up in a ball on the ground and held her belly in an attempt to ease the pain. She frowned and hit the ground where she was resting her head and waited for sleep. She would make a decision about where to go once she came to it. All she knew was that she was not going to give in on this. She would go on her own if she had to.

Eventually she fell asleep, although she did not sleep well. She woke earlier than the sun, unusually warm for having slept far from any person or creature. She stretched and became aware of something covering her, and peeled it off. It was softer than anything she had ever felt, except for Keegan’s cloak. Why did she have it?

“Good, you’re awake.”

Her eyes flew open and she gave Keegan her meanest look. “What are you doing here?”

“Making sure you are alright.”

“Clearly I am fine Keegan.”

“Now you are. Face it girl, you need me.”

“I need no one. Leave me be.”

He looked at her, a curious expression spreading on his face, and then it hardened. “You will come.” And with that he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.
Llamas do not have six packs




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This is really good.
It gives a really good mind movie and i really like that. Its like i dont have to work so hard to get what you mean!
Keep writing!!!

Fly On~ Raven




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Hmm, very interesting.
I didn't read your first chapter but I could still easily understand what was happening. You have a nice clarity to your story.
That being said,
This isn't narrative prose, it's a screenplay. Trust me, I would know since I write/read both.
What I mean is that your story consists mainly of dialogue, with only brief passages of description. On the one hand, you can cover a lot of action that way, and it's a fast easy read for your audience.
But it doesn't cut. In this case, it moves too fast. You never take us into the characters thoughts and emotions; all we get is two people yelling at each other. Take your time, show us what their thinking and feeling. Your story will be much better for that, I promise.
Secondly, you need to consider adding "world building" as part of your story. Here's what I mean:
Saying, "They walked through the forest" isn't very descriptive. What does this forest look like, smell like? What sounds are there? Is there a mood to the forest--intensity, darkness, calmness, what? Paint a picture in your readers mind. SHOW them what your characters are seeing. Now, you may have already given us a good location description in the first chapter, and I don’t know how it was done. But you shouldn’t stop there. After giving us a foundation of what your world looks like, give the reader little visual clues throughout your story. A fallen log here, a waterfall there. It will make them feel much smarter, and they’ll appreciate that.
Also, I liked your dialogue, but it needs a little work. You have a nice individual feel for each characters voice, which is hard to do, good job.
However, don’t be afraid to use “speaker tags.” Sure, whole books have been written without using a single “he said, she said” phrase. But when you choose to omit, you loose a valuable asset in helping to draw your reader in. The simple “he said” is a comfort to the reader, it anchors them to the page and, even though it’s hardly noticeable, causes them to slow down mentally and take the time to mentally digest what is being said. Also, dialogue tags go much further than the simple “he said.” When you add a brief sentence or two after a person talks, you have the opportunity and advantage to more accurately portray how and why the character said what they said. What are their expressions? Are they hiding something? Show us!
Please understand though, that this is a difficult thing to achieve. Adding too much makes things seem sappy, too little and we have ourselves talking stick figures. This is really hard for me to explain, so let me demonstrate:

Here’s example one:
“What do you suppose is in there?” John said.

And here is example two:
John hesitated before peering into the gaping hole. “What,” he murmured nervously, “do you suppose is in there?”

Now obviously, this isn’t a rule that you must follow. Doing this every single time someone opens their mouth would get old really fast. But look at how much more vivid the dialogue becomes between ex. one and ex. two. In example one we have a cardboard sentence of words-anyone, anywhere could be saying it. But in example two, you can hear the characters voice. You can read his expression, you’re there with him.
That all being said don’t fall into the “he exuberated” as opposed to “he said” trap…..But that is an entirely different discussion.

Another thing, and I’ll try to be brief this time, is that your action moves WAY too fast.
Here’s what I mean:
Scene 2:
1. MC wakes up in the morning
2. Argues with character 2
3. Character 3 randomly shows up
This may sound mean but it’s true! One moment they’re having a discussion, the next this guy just walks in—and your characters barely bat an eye! This happens more than once too, otherwise I wouldn’t have brought it up. Please give more thought to the flow of the story, don’t rush. In the current draft of your story the characters are simply walking around in their ink on paper world whilst the plot happens to them. It’s like they don’t even have a choice in the matter! They’re reading a script and they have to say this, and go do that, because otherwise we can’t get to chapter 3! Please understand that I’m not trying to tear you down, this is an all-too-common problem in many stories. But your characters really do have to live, this isn’t a screenplay, this is a book. We have the luxery and time to give us characters who actually do something, who are active and cause the plot to happen. They don’t just stand by and wait for the plot to happen to them. If you only take one suggestion from this entire review, please take this one. It will make all the difference.
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(Whoops only posted half the review)

One of your problems with having the story move too fast is that you're trying to dump info on the reader now, in this chapter. It's probably just b/c you're excited and want to tell us everything your can about this strange, new world. But you can do that more tactfully by spreading it out over several chapters. And that way, you'll have more to write about too.
You should also cut scenes that are unneeded, that way you can spend more time on the stuff that matters, and "skip" over the parts needed simply for keeping the story straight.
For example, in a *random* story two guys are in a marathon. The story looks something like this:
1. they train for it
2. they show up
3. one of them wins
Now, you might start the first day of training, and show what a hard trainer guy #1 has, but you wouldn't show them out buying running socks at the store--that scene would truly be random and it would not fit the story. (In this example, anyway, there are always exceptions. like, if guy #1's socks were being sabotaged by guy #2...yeah...)
So, in short, just cut the stuff that you don’t need so you can spend more time on the important stuff.
And finally, here’s my last point. (Heroic music here)
I really did like your characters, but there is very little to make them come to life, there is very little that makes them unique. You essentially have three stereotypes:
1. Naive, innocent girl who’s out alone in the world
2. Young, world-wise hero guy
3. Distant relation of so-called hero guy who has dark intentions…
Now, I may be Way off the mark here, and your characters do have unique qualities about them, but make us, the readers, care. You need to have something there in your characters that cause the reader to emphasize with them and root for them. Don’t give us a cookie cutter, give us someone bold and dynamic.

That all being said, I didn’t spend all this time on this review just to get points, (I only got 50, if you must know) I really do like your story and I do (disregarding everything I just said) care about your characters. (But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make them better!!!) It was because of this that I took the time to give you my honest opinion, so please don’t take anything personally. You have a very interesting style to your prose. And though some things could use a little work, I truly enjoyed the flavor and voice you gave to this work. It is original and fresh, and I am looking forward to reading more from you.

So, thanks for posting this, I enjoyed it.
~E.D.

(P.S. PM me if you need anything)
No more countin' dollars... we'll be countin' stars.

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'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights