Secrets Drowned in Blood Chapter 1 Pt.1

Ok....so I finally had time to edit,AGAIN, and post here is the 2nd final draft I have typed.


Getting Him Back
Chapter 1 part 1


"Hey, Julie, my mom said get up," the young girl said.

Julie groaned at sat up in bed.

"Thanks Nicole." The little girl nodded."Nicole, you excited for your first day in middle school?"

"Yeah," she said excitedly."Julie can you help me with this bow?" Julie nodded.

"Man, Nicole, you're lucky, your school wasn't around when I was in middle school," A deep voice said. Julie looked in the door way, and saw the,handsome, Noah.

"Well the universe loves me more better!"the little sixth grader snorted.

"Silly, it's ' The universe love me better,' " Julie corrected as she finished tying the teal colored bow,right below her shirt collar,and patted the brunet's hair.

"Thanks," she said. "How do I look?" Julie looked at Nicole. Her beautiful brunet colored hair perfectly straight, her dark brown eyes hidden behind her bangs,and her petite figure fit perfectly into the small black uniform.

"Great!" Julie said and stepped out of bed.

"Nicole,come on, you're going to be late!" Nicole's and Noah's mom yelled from downstairs.

"Coming!" She hugged Noah and Julie and ran downstairs.

"Hello, my precious,sleepy,angel," Noah greeted leaning against the wall. He was already dressed in his uniform, a plain white button up shirt and slacks.

"Hey," Julie sighed. She looked at her calender. Noah walked to her and held her in his arms.

"You want to go after school?" he asked. Julie stared at her calender,that marked September 26, 2011, and nodded. She turned around in his arms and stayed still. She could feel his warm breath on her neck as he lowered his head to her neck. He gently layed his lips on her collar bone.

He loved the way her body fit perfectly in his arms, the way her hair felt against his face, and the way her lips felt on his. He could feel the sadness that filled the atmosphere. He didn't want to let her go. Afraid that she might fall to pieces. Even after nine years she still cried at night,still hoping Hayden is alive. She pulled out of his arms realising she was still in her pajamas, and ran into the bathroom to change.

She looked inside the closet, and grabbed her white button down shirt,black jacket,and red plaid skirt. She pulled out the rubberband that held her hair up. Her damp black hair fell past her shoulders. She quickly combed her hair, separated her bangs, and slipped in a bobby pin. She got out of her pajamas and swiftly slipped into her skirt, and white shirt. She folded the jacket and layed it over her arm, and walked out of the restroom.

Noah looked at Julie. Her sad expression made him walk to her. He got her hand and walked her to her bed.

"Nine years ago, Hayden died, protecting his charm, and me. Nine years ago, his last words were sorry. Why? What for?" Julie thought.

Noah got her neckalace held out her hand.

"He did it for you." Noah put the neckalce in her hand. She nodded.

"Julie."A white puppy paw tugged at her skirt.

"Mantan." She picked up the puppy.

"Julie, it's today, when can we go to the cemetery?"

"After school, wait for us outside." The puppy licked her cheek.

"Telepathically, wish it was that easy for us," Noah got the neckalace, and drapped it around her neck.

She looked at the red caligraphy "X". She tried holding the tears back. Noah sat her on his lap,like a child, and wrapped his arms around her waist. She laid her head on his chest. She looked up at him. She looked into his brown eyes that were full of concern, and reached up and held the back of his neck.

"I love you."

He gently touched his lips to her's. She wrapped her other arm around his neck, and deepened the kiss. Noah fell on his back,and he admired her soft lips.

She licked his bottom lip asking for entrance which he granted. Thier tounges touched and they both felt a swarm of ecstasy flow through thier bodies. Julie pressed her body against his, and ran her hands through his light brown hair. Noah intertwined his fingers with hers. He flipped to where he was on top of her. He cherished her body as though it was his life. She was his life.

Julie continued to kiss him. She love him. He always handle her with care. She loved the touch of his skin to her's,his lips on her's,and she really loved the way he always treated her,gingerly.

Suddenly a buzzing sound ruined the moment. Both Julie and Noah looked to her black phone.

"Must be Derek." She grabbed her phone.

"Derek?" Matan asked.

She opened the message,"Hey, the Committee said to be on the look out. Three protectors have been killed, and the charms taken."

"Kosen," Matan growled He changed to a larger dog.

"Kosen," Noah sighed.

"I want to kill those bastards." Matan walked in a circle trying to hold in the anger.

"Matan calm down."

"They killed master, them and thier demon, made him use his Takeses."

"Takeses?" Noah said dumbfoundedly

"Takeses is the power we hold in inside, if we use it all it can kill us,it basicly our life. It is bound by a tattoo." Julie pulled up her sleeve and showed him the tattoo that spiriled around her arm.

It look like vines, with thorns and leaves.

"I wanna kill them for killing our family, and our friends! Stupid bastards."

"Matan, please calm down."
Matan growled.

Hey Arisu, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

"Man, Nicole, your lucky, your school wasn't around when I was in middle school." A deep voice said.

Firstly, you're. Secondly, this article should tell you all you need to know about dialogue punctuation...

and patted the brunet's hair.

brunette

Her beautiful brunet colored hair perfectly straight, her dark brown eyes hidden behind her bangs,and her petite figure fit perfectly into the small black uniform.

It's still brunette, but try to find a different word.

She pulled out of his arms relizing she was still in her pajamas, and ran into the bathroom to change.

realising.

She quickly combed her hair, seperated her bangs, and slipped in a bobby pin.

separated.

"Julie, it's today, when can we go to the cemtary?"

cemetery.

II. CONFUSION

So, starting off a story, you don't want to puzzle the reader too much, right? But here I'm just totally lost. In the scene where she first remembers Hayden, I didn't know if she was talking about Hayden or Noah. There's this whole thing about a charm- and a talking dog- what? Where did that come from?!

What you're showing here is a really strong, well-built world, and that's great! But don't throw your reader in in the deep end. Remember we don't know this world as well as you do, and it's up to you to show it to us step by step. Take your time to introduce your characters and their situations. Like, what's the deal with Julie staying in their house? We need to figure out everything for ourselves and you need to slow your pace down a little for us to get there.

III. OVERALL

As I say, you're showing really strong plot and premise! It's just the presentation needs working on Speaking of presentation- don't forget to proofread and check your spelling and grammar! It's only human to miss some but your piece is riddled with little errors. Proofreading and eradicating those will immediately give your writing an edge that it otherwise doesn't have

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hiya! Kaedee here. ^^

Arisu2533 wrote:"Hey, Julie, my mom said get up," the young girl said.

Generally people use the word 'the' when the object or person has been introduced at least once before. If the object or person hasn't and is unknown to the reader, then you use 'a'. I saw that you also did the same thing here:

Arisu2533 wrote:Julie looked in the door way, and saw the,handsome, Noah.

Arisu2533 wrote:Julie groaned at sat up in bed. "Thanks, Nicole," she said.The little girl nodded. "Nicole, you excited for your first day in middle school?"

The dialog is confusing here. Who's speaking? So, I compacted it a little.

Arisu2533 wrote:"Man, Nicole, your lucky, your school wasn't around when I was in middle school." A deep voice said.

This sentence is too long, and it needs to be cut down. Also, what does Noah mean? Why wasn't the school Nicole goes to around when Noah was her age? Can you explain more?

Arisu2533 wrote:She turned around in his arms and stayed still. She could feel his warm breath on her neck as he lowered his head to her neck. He gently layed his lips on her neck.
He loved the way her body fit perfectly in his arms, the way her hair felt against his face, and the way her lips felt on his. He could feel the sadness that filled the atmosphere. He didn't want to let her go. Afraid that she might fall to pieces. Even after nine years she still cried at night,still hoping he is alive. She pulled out of his arms relizing she was still in her pajamas, and ran into the bathroom to change.

Awww, how romantic. :') I like how you gave the reader something to think about (What happened to Noah before? Was he kidnapped?), but...how was the atmosphere sad? I didn't notice anything. I, the reader, should be able to sense sadness or any other feelings without you, the author, telling me. You want to make it seem like even though Julie is smiling and chatty, something seems to be a bit off. Maybe she looks a little nervous, or is caught not focusing and thinking about something else. And, you want to do this by showing, not telling. Show me in her actions, or facial expressions by adding little details.


Remember to spell-check, and as Stella said, proof-read! There are many minor spelling and grammar errors in this draft.
I'm looking forward to reading more soon. I think you have a good start. Hope I helped, good luck, and have fun-

Kaedee

This isn't really my taste for a story but it's good. The only mistake I found was when he corrects her. he says "the universe love me better." just change love to loves and you'll be fine. Other then that its good.