London Bridge Prologue (*Revised*)

Spoiler

I like this version much better than the first one, even though it is still a bit choppy and is in dire need of a good editing. Anyway, I'll take any help I can get.

The room's spinning. Twisting like carnival rides. Turning like wheels. Swiveling like heads. Like eyes. Like bodies, and arms, and legs, and feet. Like hands, and heads, and eyes. Like heads and eyes... Like heads that follow you. Like eyes that stare and watch, waiting for you to do something - anything. Look away...

"Ten, focus please. Tell me what happened."

"What happened..."

Yes, what did happen? My body is sore and my mouth has a alien taste like nothing I've ever had before. A small hint of copper, a metallic tang at the back of my throat. I'm covered in blood, guts, and meat that isn't meat but something else. Something else that is meat but isn't the type of meat that I usually eat, but it's everywhere. I can taste it on my tounge, I can feel it settling in my stomach.

"Yes, Ten! What happened to you?"

She's yelling now, but she's not supposed to yell at me. She has to be quiet and calm. That's her job! She's panicking. This isn't right. Therapist are not supposed to panic!

"Ten, listen to me!"

Stop yelling...

"Are you hurt? Are you okay? Ten, what happened? Pay attention!"

This isn't how it's supposed to be...

"Stop it!"

And she does stop but it's not enough. She's still screaming with her eyes. With those damned eyes! I want to rip those pretty little things out of her head. That'll teach her to look at me. To watch me!

"This isn't right! This is not- I'm not supposed to-"

-want to kill you.

I scream out and grip my blood drenched hair. The carpet is soft on my face as I fall. I hear her get up and move to comfort me. But I'm so filthy.

"Stop touching me!"

She backs away and I feel bad. But I'm dirty and she's so clean. Nice and pretty, Ms. Lire. Always there when I need her, Ms. Lire. But I stained her now. There's blood on her shirt and tears on her face. Damn it all to hell.

"What happened? I don't know! I don't fucking know, okay! I'm scared!"

She hugs me again and I scream until I can feel my throat chafing. I scream until I can't breathe and there are tears running down my face, streaking the red that covers the monster hiding beneath it - me. I scream until my lungs burn and beg for oxygen - Please, Ten - but I don't stop. I scream until my body feels faint. I scream until I can no longer hear myself screaming.

The room is spinning...

---

Okay, so this is the new prologue. I thought a brief glimpse into the future of the book would do well. Like?

Hi, I'm Bel. I'll be reviewing London Bridge Prologue today.

The room's spinning. Twisting like carnival rides. Turning ike wheels. Swiviling like heads. Like eyes. Like bodies, and arms, and legs, and feet. Like hands, and heads, and eyes. Like heads and eyes... Like heads that follow you. Like eyes that stare and watch, waiting for you to do something - anything. Look away...

I'm relatively certain that it should say, "Turning like wheels. Swiveling like heads."
This section seems kind of disjointed and random to me. This person seems crazy throughout the whole piece, but I wonder why there's so much description so soon. Maybe you could make it a little less random. It's all good, but it's a little too much.

"Ten, focus please. Tell me what happened."

"What happened..."

Right here it would be good to add something to let the reader know who's talking.

Yes, what did happen? My body is sore and my mouth has a alien taste like nothing I've ever had before. A small hint of copper, a metallic tang at the back of my throat. I'm covered in blood, guts, and meat that isn't meat but something else. Something else that is meat but isn't the type of meat that I usually eat, but it's everywhere. I can taste it on my tounge, I can feel it settling in my stomach.

In the second sentence you say "my mouth has a alien taste like nothing I've ever had before." Would it sound better like this: "my mouth is filled with an alien taste that must have a name I can't recall."
It should say tongue, not tounge.

"Yes, Ten! What happened to you?"

Again, you might want to clarify who's talking.

She's yelling now, but she's not supposed to yell at me. She has to be quiet and calm. That's her job! She's panicing. This isn't right. Therapist are not supposed to panic!

Panicking, not panicing.

"Ten, listen to me!"

Stop yelling...

"Are you hurt? Are you okay? Ten, what happened? Pay attention!"

This isn't how it's supposed to be...

"Stop it!"

Good job describing without really using many words.

And she does stop but it's not enough. She's still screaming with her eyes. With those damned eyes! I want to rip those pretty little things out of her head. That'll teach her to look at me. To watch me!

"This isn't right! This is not- I'm not supposed to-"

-want to kill you.

This section sort of clarifies the fact that your main character is kind of crazy.

I scream out and grip my blood drenched hair. The carpet is soft on my face as I fall. I hear her get up and move to comfort me. But I'm so filthy.

"Stop touching me!"

She backs away and I feel bad. But I'm dirty and she's so clean. Nice and pretty, Ms. Lire. Always there when I need her, Ms. Lire. But I stained her now. There's blood on her shirt and tears on her face. Damn it all to hell.

Good job with the thought process of the crazy person.

"What happened? I don't know! I don't fucking know, okay! I'm scared!"

On one hand, the f-bomb conveys very strong emotion, but it also makes the character a little harder to relate to (in my opinion.) It reminds me of one of my old friends at the same time. It he was really scared, he'd probably react in a similar way.

She hugs me again and I scream until I can feel my throat chafing. I scream until I can't breathe and there are tears running down my face, streaking the red that covers the monster hiding beneathe it - me. I scream until my lungs burn and beg for oxygen - Please, Ten - but I don't stop. I scream until my body feels faint. I scream until I can no longer hear myself screaming.

Beneath, not beneathe. Otherwise, I'd say good description.

The room is spinning...

This draws the mind back to the very beginning.

I really liked the description in your writing. You do a great job following the thought process of someone so emotional and scared and angry.

Keep Writing,
Bel

Reise.

I don't mean to gush, but I absolutely loved this!

I read the review above mine and when I looked through I didn't see any of the mistakes she pointed out so I'm assuming you went through and changed them, which is good because I don't have to nit pick.

The first paragraph is really frantic and full, but I think that's good. It really puts across at an early stage the mental state that he's in. His thoughts are really sloppy and messed, I think that's called something like word salad or scatter brained, and it lets you know Ten is crazy. You have to be careful, though, because it may come across as rambling if you over do it.

She hugs me again and I scream until I can feel my throat chafing. I scream until I can't breathe and there are tears running down my face, streaking the red that covers the monster hiding beneath it - me. I scream until my lungs burn and beg for oxygen - Please, Ten - but I don't stop. I scream until my body feels faint. I scream until I can no longer hear myself screaming.

The room is spinning...

Okay, I think you closed this beautifully. Putting "the room is spinning" at the end kind of drew the passage back around in a circle. You closed it with the opening and I thought that was simply genius.

I want to know about Ten, why was he covered in blood, and about Ms. Lire. I want to read your story, Reise.

Love, Onigiri.

Hello, ReisePiecey. I'm kicking off my return to YWS with a review of your very lovely prologue here.

Nitpicks:

There was only one small thing that I had to point out.

That'll teach her to look at me. To watch me!

"To watch me!" is a sentence fragment and should be somehow combined with the sentence before it. You can use a comma, a semicolon, or even an ellipse - which I believe would work best to keep the drama and suspense, the amount of emotion, in the sentence. The paragraph this quote appears in is a very powerful paragraph, it shows the reader how mentally unstable Ten really is, and I am willing to bet that you put the fragment in to create a sense of urgency, to emphasize Ten's emotions and his panicked, scared, and fragile state of mind.

However, it is still a fragment and there is a way to keep all the emotion I'm assuming you intended for it to have with it still being a complete sentence.

Overall:

Honestly I have to say that this piece, in my opinion, was very well written. You explain so much in very few words. The scrambled thoughts tell your reader that the main character is frantic and panicked, and his thoughts about ripping Ms. Lire's eyes out tells the reader that he is obviously unstable. It is also very evident something wrong has happened because Ten is covered in blood and has a strange taste of "meat" in his mouth.

Given his state of mind and the course his thoughts take I'm thinking that the "meat", since it's unlike anything he's ever had before, is not animal meat and the blood is the result of him acquiring that not-animal meat.

To put it in simple terms, I am very intrigued by your prologue. The prologue of a novel is meant to pull the reader in and keep them interested enough to read on and get a better understanding of the story, to want to know more about the characters.

I think you've achieved this spectacularly.

Love,

Loveless

The room's spinning. Twisting like carnival rides. Turning like wheels. Swiveling like heads. Like eyes. Like bodies, and arms, and legs, and feet. Like hands, and heads, and eyes. Like heads and eyes... Like heads that follow you. Like eyes that stare and watch, waiting for you to do something - anything. Look away... (wow... if your goal was to creep people out, you just did)

"Ten, focus please. Tell me what happened."

"What happened..."

Yes, what did happen? My body is sore and my mouth has a(n) alien taste like nothing I've ever had before. A small hint of copper, a metallic tang at the back of my throat. I'm covered in blood, guts, and meat that isn't meat but something else. Something else that is meat but isn't the type of meat that I usually eat, but it's everywhere. I can taste it on my tounge, I can feel it settling in my stomach. (huh?)

"Yes, Ten! What happened to you?"

She's yelling now, but she's not supposed to yell at me. She has to be quiet and calm. That's her job! She's panicking. This isn't right. Therapist are not supposed to panic!

"Ten, listen to me!"

Stop yelling...

"Are you hurt? Are you okay? Ten, what happened? Pay attention!"

This isn't how it's supposed to be...

"Stop it!" (Who says this?)

And (the "and" is unneeded) she does stop but it's not enough. She's still screaming with her eyes. With those damned eyes! I want to rip those pretty little things out of her head. That'll teach her to look at me. To watch me!

"This isn't right! This is not- I'm not supposed to-"

-want to kill you.

I scream out and grip my blood drenched hair. The carpet is soft on my face as I fall. I hear her get up and move to comfort me. But I'm so filthy.

"Stop touching me!"

She backs away and I feel bad. But I'm dirty and she's so clean. Nice and pretty, Ms. Lire. Always there when I need her, Ms. Lire. But I stained her now. There's blood on her shirt and tears on her face. Damn it all to hell.

"What happened? I don't know! I don't fucking know, okay! I'm scared!"

She hugs me again and I scream until I can feel my throat chafing. I scream until I can't breathe and there are tears running down my face, streaking the red that covers the monster hiding beneath it - me. I scream until my lungs burn and beg for oxygen - Please, Ten - but I don't stop. I scream until my body feels faint. I scream until I can no longer hear myself screaming.

The room is spinning...

Not going to lie: the last one's character reactions made more sense than this one. If you're going to make him panic, justify it. Clean? Dirty? It sounds more like he has OCD than a lust for blood. The therapist also doesn't make much sense. Most adults panic when a child screams like a banshee, not try to comfort them. You'd think she'd call 911 after seeing the blood instead of hugging him.

I don't know, something about this... I feel as if there's too little detail here, beyond the fact that this work is just a teaser. You're descriptions, when you put your mind to it, are very good (the screaming, for instance), yet you forget simple things like dialogue tags (if you aren't going to include them, at least keep them on the same line as their speaker's actions so a reader can assume).

As usual, you did pretty well on the grammar and spelling fronts. I haven't seen enough of this to judge its potential, so you can take it anywhere. I'm sure you'll end up impressing me~