Unearth, intro

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The land was all just rocky sand that surrounded me, there was no grass in sight, there was no sign of green. But, that afternoon had brought with it a strange breeze, gentle, but most powerful in its reaching distance, far more than I could imagine. I would call it the 'camel wind'. It carried along with it familiar scent of cow dung, that struck my mind just upon first contact with the senses. I would've questioned my knowledge of these areas- the situation was as bizarre as that- but, the rocks ran a smart race from where I was; it was such that they covered not less than two miles from that point: there was no escape at all for vegetation to grow anywhere close. So, I journeyed on, trying not to think as I did.
Time passed wildly as I walked, sunset revealed its red garment slowly; suddenly, the wind had become danker, the environment was lit up in a gentle glow. I could sense the smell coming closer and closer, I could swear it got stronger, so strong that I could feel it was rubbing skins against my body. A scent as such could only stretch forth from a grazing site. I had all these while, been walking closer to the source without suspecting. The closest spot for a cattle rest definitely was that good little field where my favourite little tree, Nku, stood, waiting patiently for my arrival. And, I had been too subdued in thoughts to notice something else; at this moment, I stood atop fresh grass. Now, I could even hear the noise of cattle. I looked up, and could see characteristic humps of cattle from afar. I smiled as the land soon came into full view. I had arrived, finally. There was my tree, there in their midst, the orange-lit sky had combined to give the scene a most beautiful look; I could already see fresh dung litters on the damp grass; there was a perfect picture, save that the herdsman in charge of the cattle was nowhere in sight. Curse him, that careless fellow. But, to think that I would perceive the presence of these cattle, when the distance between us made it unthinkable... It was such a strange one, that wind, the camel wind...
I had come to kiss Nku goodbye. It was my life, everything I had known for a long while. Every moment I spent without it was different, less joyful, less filled with a sense of security. Nku was so much of an obsession at that time that it had become a part of me, in every sense. I spoke to it as I would the dearest human, I knew everything about it, even the number of branches it had- at that time, the count should've been forty-two- I knew even up to that extent. But, still, I know almost nothing of its first days; the very little I was aware of even then, that the tree was planted on the very day of my birth, I would count as a solid account. As a matter of fact, for an early part of my life, I had loathed this tree and cursed it once. Yes, it was Dad, with a little of fuel from Mamii, that made me do so.




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But, that afternoon had brought with it a strange breeze, gentle, but most powerfull in its reaching distance, far more than I could imagine.


So this sentence sounded a little awkward to me. I would try to rewrite it so it flowed a bit better. Plus the part that is bold sounds awkward. I would try, “The afternoon brought a gentle breeze that blew along the sandy ground with a surprising strength.” Or something to that affect.

I would call it the 'camel wind'.


Hahaha, so unless he is giving things names… I would change it to something like “People called it the camel wind because of the smell that came with it.” Or something like that.

It carried along with it familiar scent of cow dung, that struck my mind just upon first contact with the senses.


“Senses” seems like an odd choice of words to me because it applies that the smell is assaulting more then one of his senses. Since he isn’t seeing, tasting, or hearing it I wouldn’t say that. I like the idea of him smelling this, but I would change how it is described.

I would've questioned my knowledge of these areas- the situation was as bizarre as that- but, the rocks ran a smart race from where I was; it was such that they covered not less than two miles from that point: there was no escape at all for vegetation to grow anywhere close.


This is a VERY long sentence and I would chop it up a bit.

Time passed wildly as I walked,


“Wildly” seems like an odd choice of words to me. Why is it wild? If anything walking through a desert seems like a ponderous, or drawn out sort of event.

sunset revealed its red garment slowly


I REALLY like the idea of this sentence. Describing the sunset as a garment. I think it might even be worth making a new sentence with it and describing it a bit more, going into the detail. Not a whole lot, but at least a sentence worth.

I could sense the smell coming closer and closer, I could swear it got stronger, so strong that I could feel it was rubbing skins against my body.


This whole sentence is a bit awkward for me. Plus the end part about it rubbing skins against the characters body is odd and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I would try something like, “The smell got strong the further I walked. So strong in fact that the hair on my arms began to stand up as I struggled not to wretch.” Just an idea, mix it up a bit.

I had all these while, been walking closer to the source without suspecting.


I think you meant, “I had all this while been walking closer to the source of the smell.” Or something to that sort.

And, I had been too subdued


You do this a couple of times in your sentences. You start it with “And” or “But” when it is not even needed. Try taking those words out so it says, “I had been to subdued…” it works great and the pause that you have in the beginning of the sentence is gone since we don’t need it.

I smiled as the land


Land seems like an odd choice since he is already in the “Land”. Say “Valley”, or “pasture” or something like that.

There was my tree, there in their midst, the orange-lit sky had combined to give the scene a most beautiful look; I could already see fresh dung litters on the damp grass; there was a perfect picture, save that the herdsman in charge of the cattle was nowhere in sight.


Once again this sentence is too long. Semicolons are fine but you are using them a bit to much.

Curse him, that careless fellow.


Felt random. Who the hell is he cursing?

But, to think that I would perceive


Once again there is that “but” that is not needed…

It was my life, everything I had known for a long while. Every moment I spent without it was different, less joyful, less filled with a sense of security. Nku was so much of an obsession at that time that it had become a part of me, in every sense. I spoke to it as I would the dearest human,


I actually really like this whole part as you described this obsession with the tree. I mean it was a little odd and creepy that this guy loved the tree to this extent, but it seemed to work.

Hey so good job. You got something here and just need to work on it a bit more. I would try to shorten some of your sentences, you like using commas, which is fine, but it makes your story feel a bit choppy.

Keep working you are doing well!




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Finally
FINALLY
Finally someone who's work I can relate to and review in the truest of its sense
I hope you don't mind
Wind. Has always had a great effect and relation with me. And in here I can read and feel what you mean. The stream of conciousness has always been fascinating (that is how I write) and it is so RIGHTLY expressed. The person is described not by the description of the writer but by the description of his feelings and the atmosphere he uptakes. Things are only as beautiful and as touching as we feel them. Lack the feel. All is sand.

I won't comment or dissect the whole thing. Because it loses it's intensity and essence that way. Nice read and I, so surely will, read everything you write

I do feel elated at the thing you wrote. Finally someone I can relate to. You will become a fine writer. And so I pray

Love
A Purple Daffodil
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“Never take a person's dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you.”

My DNA is unchallengeable,
Well.. so is yours
Bazinga !




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@ DSF6647
thanks, your review was really helpful. Yeah, I guess I could restructure some of these sentences, some of the things you pointed out are purely intentional, to show how immersed the persona is in his world, like the smell rubbing skins against his body, and using 'senses' instead of merely 'smell'.

@Euhuman Thanks, I'm glad you relate well to my work, and the message I was trying to pass across. I'm glad you really followed the character step by step in his experience. I think I will



Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill