Broken Dreams Chapter 1

#FF0000 ">Warning: Some Launguage

“I don’t understand you anymore, how can you live with what you did?!” My mother questions me, “I’ve tried as hard as I could to raise you right, but now your 17 fucking years old and this is what you give me?!” Her mouth spits and screams these words into my face, forcing me to stand and listen as each word puts a bullet through my chest. “There’s only so much I can take and I’m way past my point of taking.”

“What do you want me to do about it mom! Make it all fucking disappear?!” The voice that comes out of my mouth sounds cruel and icy. When in fact inside I’m anything but, I can feel my hands sweating and my heart beats frantically not wanting to hear my mother’s answer to the question.

“Maybe you should just leave. You never loved me anyway; you didn’t love your brother either obviously!” The words burn holes into my heart, searing and twisting at the already sensitive flesh. It was an accident I want to tell her, I want to tell her I love her and I loved Eli. I want her to hold me in her arms and have her tell me she didn’t mean a thing, but in my heart I know she did mean it. She didn’t want me anymore.

Staring at my mother I catch a glimpse of what she once was, caring and levelheaded always the type of mom that helped you with your homework and tucked you into bed despite the long shifts she would take at work. Then I see her now, a frail but fresh corpse slowly rotting from the inside out.

“I’ll leave then.” I tell her as I look her squarely in the eyes. I feel the harsh winds of betrayal seeping into my skin. If I don’t get outta here soon I might just give up and lie down where I stand. In my weak but steady walk I quickly pack my things and grab all the money I have.

I leave my home of 17 years with a heavy burden weighing me down. I wonder if anyone looks at me would they possibly be able to see the guilt I have pressing down on my shoulder. Every minute I sink lower and lower into the ground. What happens when I can’t hold the weight anymore?

5 Weeks Earlier

5 weeks ago I felt like a normal teenager the end of my junior year and the start of my last summer before whatever I decided to do after high school. I considered college even picked out my favorite places I wanted to go but in my heart I had that free feeling where you never know what’s going to happen in the span of a year? What if I fell in love? Or got the chance to travel the world? What if mom got sick again and I stayed to take care of her? The phrase, “What if,” seemed to go on and on always giving me more things that could change my life in a split second. My little brother Eli was only 10 and man was he the amazing child of the entire family, he used to play baseball and even at the age of ten he was a damn good player.

Just watching him play made you feel like you were out there with him running the bases, pitching the hitter out or catching pot flies in outer field. He wasn’t only an amazing player he was humble and kind too. If only you could have watched him play you would have been amazed at the way he could hold himself. The way he would calculate his opponents before the start of a game analyzing with his eyes and his instincts at what he should do if something unexpected were to happen. Like a predator watching its prey before it goes in for the kill. In fact he was the one that taught me the, “What if trick.”
He taught me many other things about life and the fact that family was the most important, I wanted to be there for him and to see him grow up into the young man I knew he would one day be.
I remember one time not too long ago Eli and I were sitting on the porch steps outside of our church and he asked me why god would ever allow people to suffer. I replied and told him that maybe god was just testing us and that maybe he was trying to make us stronger so we could be better people.
Eli sat there a moment staring at the cracks in the wooden porch until he said that he hoped god would let him suffer too because he wanted to be a stronger and better person. I just nodded my head and ruffled his hair. But in my heart I felt the strong urge to run inside the church and get on my hands and knees and beg the Lord not to ever make Eli suffer. Maybe it was my sisterly instincts kicking in or maybe I was crazy but I had the scary feeling that suffering was headed his way.

Spoiler

Sorry this is only chapter 1 and I'm in the middle of writing chapter 2, hopefully you enjoyed it somewhat even though it is only the beginning. Thanks for reading!
(Don't forget to comment, like and review.)

I would change this to a 16+ rating, based on the bits of foul language you used.

“I don’t understand you anymore, how can you live with what you did?!” my mother questions me,(period) “I’ve tried as hard as I could to raise you right, but now your you're (you're means 'you are', try to remember this) 17 fucking years old and this is what you give me?!” Her mouth spits and screams these words into my face, forcing me to stand and listen as each word puts a bullet through my chest. “There’s only so much I can take and I’m way past my point of taking.”

“What do you want me to do about it mom! Make it all fucking disappear?!” The voice that comes out of my mouth sounds cruel and icy.(comma) when in fact inside I’m anything but,(period) I can feel my hands sweating and my heart beats frantically, not wanting to hear my mother’s answer to the question.

“Maybe you should just leave. You never loved me anyway; you didn’t love your brother either obviously!” The words burn holes into my heart, searing and twisting at the already sensitive flesh. It was an accident I want to tell her I want to tell her that it was an accident, I want to tell her I love her and I loved Eli. I want her to hold me in her arms and have her tell me she didn’t mean a thing, but in my heart I know she did meant it what she said. She didn’t doesn't want me anymore.



Staring at my mother, I catch a glimpse of what she once was,(semi-colon) caring and levelheaded. always The type of mom that helped helps you with your homework and tucked tucks you into bed despite the long shifts she would takes at work. Then I see her now, a frail but fresh corpse slowly rotting from the inside out.

“I’ll leave then.(comma)” I tell her as I look her squarely in the eyes. I feel the harsh winds of betrayal seeping into my skin. If I don’t get outta I find it odd that you use slang here, it doesn't fit the feeling of your story throughout. I would change it to 'out of'. here soon, I might just give up and lie down where I stand. In my weak, but steady walk, I quickly pack my things and grab all the money I have.

I leave my home of 17 years with a heavy burden weighing me down. I wonder if anyone who looks at me would they possibly be able to see the guilt I have pressing down on my shoulders. Every minute I sink lower and lower into the ground. What happens when I can’t hold the weight anymore?


5 Weeks Earlier

5 weeks ago, I felt like a normal teenager. It was the end of my junior year and the start of my last summer before whatever I decided to do after high school. I considered colleges, I even picked out my favorite places, I wanted to go but in my heart, I had that free feeling where you never know what’s going to happen in the span of a year?(period instead) What if I fell in love? Or got the chance to travel the world? What if mom got sick again and I stayed to take care of her? The phrase, “What if,” seemed to go on and on, always giving me more things that could change my life in a split second. My little brother Eli was only 10, and man was he the amazing child of the entire family,(period) He used to play baseball and, even at the age of ten, he was a damn good player.

Just watching him play made you feel like you were out there with him running the bases, pitching the hitter out, or catching pot I really hope you meant to say 'pop'. flies in outer the outfield. He wasn’t only just an amazing player, but he was humble and kind too. If only you could have watched him play, you would have been amazed at the way he could hold himself. The way he would calculate his opponents before the start of a game, analyzing with his eyes and his instincts at what he should do if something unexpected were to happen. Like a predator watching its prey before it goes in for the kill. In fact, he was the one that taught me the, “What if trick.”

He taught me many other things about life and the fact that family was the most important,(period) I wanted to be there for him and to see him grow up into the young man I knew he would one day be.

I remember one time not too long ago Eli and I were sitting on the porch steps outside of our church, and he asked me why God would ever allow people to suffer. I replied and told him that maybe God was just testing us and that maybe He was trying to make us stronger so we could be better people.

Eli sat there a moment staring at the cracks in the wooden porch until he said that he hoped God would let him suffer too, because he wanted to be a stronger and better person. I just nodded my head and ruffled his hair, but in my heart I felt the strong urge to run inside the church and get on my hands and knees and beg the Lord not to ever make Eli suffer. Maybe it was my sisterly instincts kicking in, or maybe I was crazy, but I had the a scary feeling that suffering was headed his way.

Hm, alright. I'm not sure if I caught every grammatical error, there were many. Bad grammar is a huge turn-off when reading a story, be sure to go back and read your work over before you post it. Trust me, it helps. The writing itself was mediocre at times, and not very good at others. But hey, no worries, that's what this site is for!
You change tenses in this story a lot. You go from present tense to past tense, and I got confused as to what you were actually trying to use. Choose one or the other.
The bit about her brother at the end came out of no where. It began with her fighting with her mom, but ended with her praying for her brother? A big odd. It's like your story doesn't quite know where it wants to go. Also, dialogue became extinct at the end of this. Instead of saying something like: "'Why does God make people suffer?' Eli asked curiously."
You said:

I remember one time not too long ago Eli and I were sitting on the porch steps outside of our church and he asked me why god would ever allow people to suffer.

Show, don't tell.

Anyways, I hope this helped!

Hi there!

This is a very interesting story. I think your use of bad language really gets the point across of how intense it is between your main character and her mother. I'm not a fan of cussing (I try not to myself), but I feel like it was needed here otherwise it would've been unrealistic. Your descriptions are great throughout this. You also developed your main character well, really getting inside her head and giving her a strong personality. I really feel for her leaving even though I don't really know about her past.

I do have one comments though, I feel like you should've given us more in this. I still don't know what happened to Eli. Did he die? If he did, how? Did the main character kill him? Maybe we'll find out later?

The phrase, “What if,” seemed to go on and on always giving me more things that could change my life in a split second.

Oh gosh, the 'what ifs'. I have these almost every day, especially since I'm going away to college. They're tough to get around and I'm glad you added them into your story.

I replied and told him that maybe God was just testing us and that maybe he was trying to make us stronger so we could be better people.

God should always be capitalized.

Overall this is a good start. I'll definitely be following your novel. Let me know when/if you put up more chapters. Keep writing!