Enchanted

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 950
Reviews 16
Soooooo....This was going to be the prologue of my novel, but now I'm thinking of cutting it out. Tell me what you think :)

The scent of magic threaded its way through the narrow tree trunks and toadstools. It was the silent hour between midnight and dawn, and , though the foxes, snakes and rabbits had settled down to sleep, the aroma wafted its way down to their furtive little burrows and hidey-holes. They smelt it, little noses twitching and they turned below the earth, restless, somehow. They quailed as footsteps reverberated above their tiny heads and nestled closer to their parents, not understanding, but dreading quietly.

Two witches slithered through the murky woods. One of them was me. I carried a torch and swung it across the ground so that rocks and roots were shown in high relief. Elizabeth had already tripped twice, so we had agreed that candle light was not practical. She carried the incense sticks and our little poppets. Behind us trailed Kitten, my hellcat.
As we went further and further away from my house, the smell of magic faded from my nostrils. Both Elizabeth and I smelt of it. Smoke and rosemary and incense. It made me uneasy. The smell fading meant we were too far from our circle. Too far from safety. Vulnerable.
As we walked, I picked leaves, crumbling them and smoothing the sticky juice on my wrists like perfume. I fidgeted a lot when I was nervous.

We knew the way easily enough by now. The long overgrown path was narrow and winding, choked with roots and plants. I fought my way through with a stick.
“Katie, put the stick down,” Elizabeth whispered over her shoulder. Her dark eyes glittered in the moonlight. “Someone’s going to hear you tramping around.”
“Did you deactivate the Cobweb?” I shot back. Our house was protected with several magical enchantments. The Cobweb was an enchantment were thin bands of magic wrapped around our protective circle. Anyone who touched a line was frozen in place. We redirected the bands with mirrors, creating holes large enough for us to crawl through.
She rolled her eyes. “Of course”
“Then we’ll be fine!” I hissed. Elizabeth and I weren’t actually supposed to use magic yet. We were only Grunts so far, not proper Apprentices.

We walked on in silence. It was so cold. My face felt raw, as if the vicious wind had stripped off a layer of skin from my face. Deep inside my pockets, my hands shook. All the trees that looked normal and as familiar as old friends in the daylight, the beeches, crab apples and hawthorns, seemed tall and menacing at night. I touched the trunk of an ancient oak to try and calm myself. The wood felt cold and as rough. When Kitten yowled from behind me, I jumped out of my skin.
“Katie! Can you shut that hellcat up? And stop being so jumpy.”
“If you stop being so snappy,” I muttered. Under my breath. Even Elizabeth was more intimidating than usual tonight.

When we reached the clearing, I took the candles out of my bag and set them up in a rough circle shape. Elizabeth lit them with a box of matches she had stolen out of the kitchen. Kitten sat outside the circle like an ancient carving of himself, watchful and sinister. As my familiar, he would kill anyone who tried to interrupt the spell. It doesn’t sound possible, a cat killing a human, but Kitten was the size of a small jaguar with the same exotic dappled coat and quietly rippling muscles.

I swallowed. I still wasn’t entirely sure that we were doing the right thing, but I stepped over the ring of flickering light with care and then sat down gingerly. The grass was wet and my converses were soaking. I fidgeted nervously, until Elizabeth quelled me with a dark look. Then I had to sit still miserably, as damp fingers crept up my jeans. She cleared her throat. Somewhere in the woods, I thought an owl hooted. Elizabeth closed her eyes and let her head fall back, exposing her slim throat, which glowed silver. The moon was waxing that night and the shimmering light dished itself over every surface that wasn’t illuminated by the golden spill of the candles. We were like a mosaic in gold and silver.
“Goddess of the Earth and Triple Moon,” Elizabeth chanted, her voice deep and alluring. We waited three seconds, and then I spoke.
“Our Lady. We come here, on this night to offer you blood in exchange for our heart’s desires.” I whispered, my voice cracking on the last note. A cold wind made the candles flicker and ruffled the stray stands of my hair. Elizabeth’s features seemed sharp and menacing; there were dark shadows under her eyes and cheekbones, the rest of her face illuminated in harsh flickering candle light. I shivered. We each stabbed a stick of incense into the nearest flame. As the flames licked up the little stick, the spicy aroma filled the clearing. The scent of magic. I could see the loops of smoke coiling up towards the dark overhead canopy.

I placed my poppet, a doll with a little face etched into the wax, in the ceramic bowl. Elizabeth did likewise. We each yanked out a few of our hairs and wrapped them around the dolls.
“Lord, consort of our Lady, we present to you the sacrifice.” I took a glass jar out of the bag. In it was a spider. Elizabeth put her hand in, letting the spider crawl onto it. She brushed it off into the bowl. I lifted a stone and crushed it.
“Lady, we give to you our blood as an offering. In return, you will repay us. You will give us our heart’s desires! Nothing shall be denied us!” The wind increased in volume. I could hear it whistling around the trees, a hungry screaming animal. Kitten sat back on his haunches and yowled, a high, eerie noise. His eyes were rolling.
I picked up the knife with shaking fingers. The hilt was cold and smooth. I wondered if it really was human bone, as Elizabeth had told me. Best not to think of that. The wind intensified. My hair blew around my face, but I didn’t push it out of my eyes. I was numb with horror at what I was about to do. Elizabeth’s hair was pulled back severely. Her eyes snapped open, but they were unfocused, and glassy.
“Human blood.” She had to shriek over the wind. I closed my eyes and did it quickly, a tiny pin prick of pain. I handed the knife to Elizabeth. Deftly, she pricked the heel of her hand and let a drop of blood fall into the bowl. Abruptly, everything stopped. The wind had screamed itself out. Nothing moved in the woods. The stars, the silent sentinels of the forest looked down on us coldly.
“Nothing shall be denied us.” Elizabeth repeated softly, and there was a note of triumph in her voice that scared me. She lit a match and dropped it into the bowl, leaving our poppets to burn.
“So mote it be,” I said, watching the flames lick over my doll’s face. The candles went out.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1184
Reviews 17
wow. This was... Really good! Not that I'm surprised, it seems like everyone here is awesome but this was especially good, I really really liked it. I think you ended this really strongly with
Aquareed wrote:“So mote it be,” I said, watching the flames lick over my doll’s face. The candles went out.
That was really intense and kind of ended out the prologue with me wanting more. And
Aquareed wrote:The scent of magic threaded its way through the narrow tree trunks and toadstools.
that also was fantastic way to start out the story. It was mysterious and interesting and all the things that make prologues great.
Now for the part I hate. Telling you what I thought was wrong. I don't want to be too negative because, again, I loved this prologue. If this were a published book I would be tearing through the chapters right now.
Aquareed wrote:If you stop being so snappy,” I muttered. Under my breath.
I thought that it should be "If you stop being so snappy," I muttered under my breath.' I just think that period separates one thought and makes it seem choppy. And this
Aquareed wrote:converses
I may be wrong but I think converse is already plural, to me it just sounds wrong.
Anyway, I totally think you should keep it and keep going with this story. i don't know how it relates to the prologue, but if it's anything like this it's fabulous!
Llamas do not have six packs




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1208
Reviews 20
Hello Aguareed!

The first sentence definitely drew me in:
The scent of magic threaded its way through the narrow tree trunks and toadstools.

I loved the way you started out your story. A big problem with writing a story is how to start it out. You really need a clear, entertaining beginning for the reader to be drawn in. You have definitely succeeded here.

The only thing I would maybe edit a little is towards the second paragraph. When I was reading, I was a little confused on what exactly was going on. Eventually though, I came to realize what you meant. You might want to try adding a few more small details in that paragraph. Maybe clarify who Elizabeth and the narrator are. Where are they? Why are they there? Etc.

Overall I enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30278
Reviews 482
Hey Aquareed! Hawk here for a review. :)

All right, so this was a good start! It drew me in and I'm really intrigued now, wanting to read more and find out what happens! You seem to have a really good set up, between the characters and the little details such as the hellcat and the Cobweb and such -- these served to make the story unique and promised more to come. So, great work!

I felt like the first couple of paragraphs were a little rough, especially as I read on and you seemed to have found your writing groove, where the rest of the story flowed pretty smoothly. You start off describing the forest animals and their reaction to the magic scent, and it feels like this is going to be told from third person omniscient view (meaning that the mysterious narrator relating this story shows access to anything going on from any character's view). The switch to first person, revealing that the narrator is one of the characters introduced, is fine but abrupt.

I'd suggest trimming down the first paragraph, and limiting the descriptions of the animals to only what Katie can see. After all, how would she know that they were trembling underground, unless this is some power she has, of knowing what animals feel or something? In which case, it would be good to mention this, even in a quick, casual way, such as: "I could sense them shivering below; it sent a tingle up my spine and caused me to shudder as well." Just something to indicate that she has this ability to tell what the animals are doing and feeling, and thus giving us an explanation as to how she can narrate and tell us that this is what they're doing. I hope that makes sense, let me know if you need more clarification.

Another thing I'd like to mention is the lack of description regarding the characters. I have a vague impression that Elizabeth is rather intimidating, but that's about it. And it's kind of hard picturing anything that they're doing when I don't have any details to plug in; for example, perhaps there's a height disparity between the two? Maybe someone's nose is crooked, or the other one's hair is tangled? Just little tidbits here and there would be useful to us as readers so that we can piece together a picture of these people we're reading about. Make sure you don't overdo it, though, as that can lead to info-dumping and really slow down the pace of the action that's happening.

On the whole, though, there's really not much that needs critiquing. You've done a great job and I'm looking forward to reading more; please let me know when you post the next chapter! And don't hesitate to contact me if you've got any questions or whatnot. =)

Cheers!
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 32546
Reviews 739
It was the silent hour between midnight and dawn, and , no comma though the foxes, snakes and comma rabbits had settled down to sleep, the aroma wafted its way down to their furtive little burrows and hidey-holes. They smelt it, little noses twitching and they turned below the earth, restless, no comma somehow.


Two witches slithered through the murky woods. One of them was me. I carried a torch and swung it across the ground so that rocks and roots were shown in high relief. Elizabeth had already tripped twice, so we had agreed that candle light was not practical. She carried the incense sticks and our little poppets. Behind us trailed Kitten, my hellcat.


This whole paragraph really pulled me in.

The long overgrown path was narrow and winding, choked with roots and plants.
great sentence!

The Cobweb was an enchantment were where thin bands of magic wrapped around our protective circle.


“Then we’ll be fine!” I hissed. Elizabeth and I weren’t actually supposed to use magic yet. We were only Grunts so far, not proper Apprentices.
This line doesn't fit at the moment. I highly suggest you take it out, and then give us this piece of information later.

My face felt raw, as if the vicious wind had stripped off a layer of skin from my face.
I love the way you worded this sentence.

All the trees that looked normal and as familiar as old friends in the daylight, the beeches, crab apples and hawthorns, seemed tall and menacing at night.
I thought maybe this could be rephrased.

All the trees that were as familiar as friends in the daylight- beeches, crab apples, and hawthorns- seemed tall and menacing at night.

The wood felt cold and as rough.

“If you stop being so snappy,” I muttered. Under my breath.
I think you should combine it so it says 'I muttered under my breath.'
Kitten sat outside the circle like an ancient carving of himself, watchful and sinister.
another great line

As my familiar, he would kill anyone who tried to interrupt the spell.
what does this mean 'as my familiar'?

I fidgeted nervously, until Elizabeth quelled me with a dark look.
no comma

Then I had to sit still miserably, no comma as damp fingers crept up my jeans. She cleared her throat. Somewhere in the woods, no comma I thought an owl hooted.


I used to make the same mistake with commas. You add them wherever you think there should be a slight pause, but really it just slows down the reader. Technically, you do not need a comma in either of these spots. If you read it without out them, the sentence sounds just fine.

Somewhere in the woods I thought an owl hooted.

I could hear it whistling around the trees, a hungry screaming animal.
I love how you said this, but I think it would read better like this: I could hear it whistling around the trees; a hungry, screaming animal.
Elizabeth’s hair was pulled back severely. Her eyes snapped open, but they were unfocused, and glassy.
Severely is an interesting word choice; I don't quite know what it means in this situation. Like a tight ponytail or something?

Her eyes snapped open but they were unfocused and glassy.

Your overuse of commas really slow down your amazing prose!

The stars, the silent sentinels of the forest looked down on us coldly.
The stars- silent sentinels of the forest- looked down on us coldly. (Great line!)

“So mote it be,” I said, watching the flames lick over my doll’s face.
What does 'so mote it be' mean?


Alright, enough nitpicks! This was amazing! I really like your style of writing and the world you created. You have several sentences and phrases that really jump out to me as original. You have good description, not too little, not too much. I also get the sense of fear the main character had at the end, almost appalled at what she was doing. This, I thought, was a really interesting character choice. Most stories you have the fearless girl who has magical powers, but the main character you have here feel much more realistic. Almost afraid of her powers, and also kind of giving in to peer pressure. Very interesting!

I'm really liking the idea of an old school witch story, with black cats and magic spells and all that. I also think you're making a great effort at keeping it original, too, with the panther instead of the usual kitty ^-^

Honestly I think this would make a great prologue or first chapter because it really hooked me in. I will read the rest of the story that you have posted, and be sure to update me on future chapters!

Let me know if my review helped or if you've got questions! I'll be happy to help! ^_^
black
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 929
Reviews 17
Wow! You've got me pulled in and wanting more! Very nice adjectives, sounds like you've got a really good plot planned out. You've got some great ideas flowing with Kitten the hellcat and making up your own enchantment of the Cobweb and giving magic a smell, which is something that I thought was very original. I really like the dark edge that you've got going on and, besides a few grammatical errors with commas (which, I see, is already mentioned, so I won't go too in depth with that) I think you're off to a great start!

One thing that I would suggest, however, is perhaps hinting at the time period a little earlier in the prologue. The first sentence that you use the word witches
Two witches slithered through the murky woods.
makes me think that the story is taking place in a kind of medieval-fantasy like era. As witches are commonly associated with the time of castles and knights and kings, I was a bit surprised when you mentioned modern objects such as jeans and converse later on.
The grass was wet and my converses were soaking. I fidgeted nervously, until Elizabeth quelled me with a dark look. Then I had to sit still miserably, as damp fingers crept up my jeans.


Other than that, I love what you've got going on! Keep it up! :)
Without art, life is pointless.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 315
Reviews 31
Alright. Well I'm not a big witch fan but I like this a lot. My only problem is at the begining. I didn't know who was talking, where they were, how many of them there were, just stuff like that. But you do have a very good imagination. Just make sure that you let us readers know who's speaking and you'll have a good one.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.



You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender