From the Beginning to the End II

So, this time, I'm going to add just more two of the poems in the series.

VII: The search

Spoiler

I've only reached my shadow,
I just saw my shadow,
that's all I could get.

But your smile,
your face...
I haven't found.

Nonetheless,
I haven't stopped.
I still search for you,

in the oceans,
in the continents,
I search for your love.

In thought,
in reality,
I search for your presence.

In space
and time,
I still search for your existence.

Everywhere,
every hour,
I search blindly.

Even if it hurts,
even if I fight,
I search for you without hesitation,

without thinking,
without wanting,
by instinct;

because it's stronger than me,
because I can't help it,
because I suffer without you.

Which reasons,
which fears
drive me to search for you?

I don't know it.
I just know
I search for you.

VIII: Undefined for me

Spoiler

I don't know who I am;
I don't know what I do;
I don't know what I feel;
I don't know who I see in the mirror.

I don't know why I am;
I don't know why I do;
I don't know why I don't feel;
I don't know why I still look at the mirror.

I don't know where I am;
I don't know when I am;
I don't now what I'm for;
I don't know why I'm still here.

I look at the mirror;
but I can't find myself.
I search,
but I can't find myself.

Undefined I am;
I'm nothing for me.

I look in vain,
I search in vain;
I don't know who I am.

It's weird:
It seems it's me who's in the mirror...
I'm not who I am.

I know it was all in vain,
But it wasn't my fault, it was
who-I'm-not's.

Everything I felt
wasn't felt by me; no, it was
another person.

Every stupid thing,
every mistake was made by
who I'm not.

It's all because of the one
I see in the mirror,
who I'm not.

But who am I?

To be continued...

Spoiler

Not accordingly to predicted, I'll stop commenting my poems, as they may restrain their readers' own interpretation, plus showing lack of humility and giving a lot of unnecessary work to me. Thanks for reading and, if you happen to read my poems, please comment!

You should not put your poems in "spoilers", they really do spoil the poem

I noticed your post in the poetry forum and decided I would take a look for myself. Of course, as much as I love poetry and anyone who puts the time and effort into doing as such, I'm not exactly seen as the nicest when it comes to my general view so if you're a little bit iffy on criticism, you may find this a bit harsh.

Either way, I'm going to break this review in two seeing as there are two pieces of poetry to review. That being said, lets get this show on the road;

Poem 1:

First thing I noticed was the excessive repetition.

Now, because the poem is on the longer side, repetition could be used for an interesting effect. Of course, this means that it should be used sparingly. You used it in every single stanza.

Now, writing poetry should show your ability to create as well as certain control over your diction. When you're constantly repeating your words, you give the impression that your vocabulary is small which is not good. In fact, even in prose its seen as bad to repeat words too often. So instead of all the unnecessary redundancy, get a thesaurus and start learning more eloquent wording.

Secondly, as much as you used the poetic device that was repetition, you lacked pretty much everything else. This had nothing really original. It was straight forward; blunt. Lacked necessary metaphor and imagery that mark poetry as something completely different then prose. This almost looks like a structure for a piece instead of actually being one.

Of course, this isn't bad. This is actually very good. This is this time that you start giving flesh to a voice that is far too... blank. Give us something truly you instead of simply going through the motions. Be delicate and subtle.

Poem 2:

Unfortunately, things won't be looking up from this point in time.

This is very unoriginal. Very straight forward. Very emotional rant or diary entry-ish. In fact, I was quite a bit disappointed by this seeing as the one before it was rather decent compared. Your repetition seems to jump a couple notches to the point where I don't know if I can ever classify this as poetry.

I'm sorry if that comes across as mean, but there is something you can do with this. Everything can be fixed. Nobody is perfect right off the bat. What I'm going to say is pretty much the same as the first poem. You need to make this original. You need to make this you.

You have the passion to write. Its there and you're pushing for it to come across as such. Just that, when it comes down to it, your skill is still developing and your diction isn't quite there yet. So keep practicing but start practicing things that are necessary such as imagery and metaphor. Such as poetic device. If you can do that, you'll have something really interesting here.

Overall:

The passion is there. You're putting something out into the world that is distinctly you, but as poetry its still not all that strong. Of course, this could change with a bit of practice and hard work. I feel that you're not spending all that much time with your wording and your work simply because of the fact that there were multiple typos which showed your lack of meticulousness.

So keep writing. Keep practicing. If you'd like to confer with me over this review, feel free to PM me and I'll gladly explain my reasoning even more if you should like. Or help. I would love to watch you grow as a poet.

~Walker

Well.

I think the first poem is kind of long, but it had a nice flow to it, which it good for reading. I kind of lost myself during the ending but came back at the end, which made me have to scan the middle of it a few times before I understood it was about finding someone. (It's about finding someone, isn't it?) In my opinion, it was more like finding [i]myself[i] through a mirror, instead of seeing a stranger. Overall, I really like this poem.

The second poem is even better, though. Even though the last poem was good, I kept losing my focus to people around me (I'm in my Technology class. I do this when I am bored). In this one, though, I was by myself, and I could see the whole poem play out for me. So thank you for sharing these two, it was really inspiring. It's as though you are trapped in a world where everybody knows who they are, but you are stuck wondering...[i]who am I?[i] But nothing would answer you but yourself.
Over all, I think you are a great poet. Good luck.

Keep on keeping on,

Bo.

Oh well, a positive review after a negative one. This so made my day...

Thanks for reviewing and have a nice one!

Makaroni

I really liked these poems. I particularly liked the first one, and I thought you had very clever imagery. You also had a good sense of rhythm and flow throughout, giving your piece substance and subtlety. What I also really liked was the use of language. I will have to admit though, I didn't enjoy the second one as much. I think it lacked a bit of substance and you could have used stronger words. I also found the "I don't know" parts a bit too repetitive, so I would say cutting down on them so they don't annoy the reader. Other than that, great job!