The search for Partiling Pyrimid

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Captain Needew and his men were on this flight for five hours now, they were deep in enemy territory. Their stealth aircraft could only go a few more minutes before having to turn back, they were approaching the drop zone.
Their earpieces cracked to life, informing them in a robotic version of the plane captain’s voice that the temperature outside was -30 degrees Celsius at 50,000 feet above sea level, ground temperature was at 29 degrees, the humidity was at 70%, and visibility was at ten feet.
The lieutenant sitting beside him was comparatively new to the squad, having completed training only two weeks ago. His name was Barlew. Needew absently pulled at the seat-belt tugging at his abdomen, his thoughts thousands of miles away, reliving his most recent visit.
As the lights in the cabin changed color, in preparation for the drop, Needew took off his belt and looked at the instructions on his pad. The drop would only be fifteen seconds long, any longer and enemy sensors would be alerted to their presence. It was to be a H.A.L.O jump, one mistake could be costly.
Imitating his example, the troopers began to don their breath masks. The other two lieutenants on the team began to form up the men into two rows, each facing a door. Barlew took his place at the head of one of the rows, as did Renao, the next junior officer. Borlington and Needew were both at the back of the rows. The countdown began.
They waited in tense anticipation for the countdown to finish...seven...six... five...four... three...two...one...The doors swung downward, opening two gaping holes in the craft, and the fifty men rushed out.
A hundred feet later, Needew turned on his H.U.D. Information began flashing across his face, some were redundant, some were not. They were going into Arudka controlled territory. They were fearsome warriors, but Needew had every reason to believe his team would successfully complete their mission: the retrieval of the Partiling Pyrimid.
The Seekers, as they were called, had been practicing their drills incessantly for the past two weeks. They were ready. He knew it. Five minutes later, Needew’s H.U.D saw him at 20,000 feet. After another five thousand feet, the whole gang opened up their parachutes. They slowed rapidly in the fog.
They landed, Needew thought, without any complications. A few were stuck in the trees, but they could be taken down easily. It was time for the show to begin. Splitting up the group into four teams, an officer leading each, they went their different paths. As commanding officer, Needew chose the honor of the most difficult route.

Half an hour later...
Needew thought he had never gone through such a difficult terrain in his life, his uniform was already torn in several places by the thorns that seemed to grow out of nowhere. His men were not faring any better, some were totally covered in mud, the result of tripping over rocks covered by the mud.
They were approaching the hiding place of the Pyrimid. It stood in a clearing amidst all the hassle of the jungle. Needew went out to reconnoiter with his signaller. Although he expected to see a few troops stationed at the compartment, nothing could prepare him for the army he saw there.
Fully a thousand men, of the finest the Arudka could produce. It was going to be bloody, and he knew it. An electric fence fifteen feet high surrounded the compound, after which his thermals suggested there were mines, laser guards, and tanks. The Pyrimid stood in the in the central building, round which sentries and houses were thickly strewn.
He turned and crawled back to the jungle, careful to keep himself in the shadows. The butterflies and mosquitoes abounded in this area. The ten other men with him had concealed themselves superbly. Some were in the trees, others hid in the thick undergrowth. He turned to his signaller and motioned for him to radio the other groups. Borlington, and Renao were already in position. Barlew, however, was still some five minutes to taking his place.
The three officers silently discussed their battle plans, Renao was to go straight for the objective and get out immediately, the rest were to serve as a distraction for the Arudkas. Needew was taking the left, Borlington was taking the right, and Barlew was to provide covering fire. All of them were to keep concealed until they were found out.
Barlew had by this time arrived, and they decided to strike immediately. Needew crawled slowly towards the camp, releasing a small ion ball as soon as he reached the fence. The ball disabled electronics only a meter radius around where it hit, and for only three minutes.
His wire cutter deftly cut through the fence, allowing him and his men to pass safely the first obstacle. Mines, however, was no child’s play, even for his men. They danced through a hundred feet of these without incident before a laser found its mark on one of the men.
As the alarms tore through the compound, his men ran, firing, towards the right. The storm of bullets that came their way forced them to look for cover. Diving under a tank, Needew ordered his men to head for the left. He heard a loud scream towards his right, turning, he found his signaller rolled over, dead,
Grabbing the necessary instruments from the man’s body, he threw it to another of his men, yelling at him to hold on to it. Borlington had by this time entered the compound on the other side, and was now moving towards the right. Barlew had still not set up his mortar.
Finding the hail now much diminished, he and his men headed for the left, careful to keep as silent as possible. Renao was reporting difficulty in getting through the mine fields and the hail at the same time, he had already lost seven of his original twelve men.
Grabbing the radio, he ordered Barlew to enter the compound and take over Renao’s objective. Renao was to hold his position and give covering fire to the rest of the team. Needew himself was reduced to a mere five men. The enemy, however, was receiving casualties too. They were, his thermal reader declared, down to five hundred, but in the heat of battle, thermals could not be trusted.
Barlew had by now just completed setting up the automated mortar, he left one man in charge and came charging into the battle. His squad’s heavy weaponry proved too much for much of the Arudka’s, and they fell back, slowly.
But Barlew himself was killed not long after, and the squad’s sergeant took over. He too was killed, as was all of Borlington’s squad. However, Needew’s thermals now showed that the enemy had only a hundred more men left standing, alive. The twenty men left alive split up into groups of four, two of each headed by the surviving officers.
If each of his men took down six of the enemy before dying, Needew calculated silently, they would still be able to complete their mission. It was a race to the death. Sort of. Men from both sides were being killed, faster than one could recite the code.

An hour later...
The battlefield had fallen silent. All Needew’s men were dead, as were most of the opposing force. Only a handful of them remained. Needew had run out of ammunition five minutes ago, in the place of a gun, he held a long knife.
He silently made his way to the building that housed the Pyrimid. Cutting a hole through the wood that the building was made of, he crept into the room inside. He rushed to the central room and picked up the Pyrimid.
As he held it up to his eye level, his H.U.D. sprung back to life. It scanned the Pyrimid, and returned a verdict: Unreal, it is a replica. Needew thought he had never felt more shattered in his life. He would never complete his mission.
The moment you say that one set of moral ideas can be better than another, you are, in fact, measuring them both by a standard, saying that one of them conforms to that standard more nearly than the other. C. S. Lewis

I used to be ZLYF




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Hey ZLYF!

This was a very good piece of writing. Though the beginning, in my own oppinion, threw me off.

Captain Needew and his men were on this flight for five hours now, they were deep in enemy territory. Their stealth aircraft could only go a few more minutes before having to turn back, they were approaching the drop zone.

I wasn't real sure what was happening. Who is Captain Needew? Where are they? And Why?

Details and descriptive language are the most important parts of any story and/or other piece of writing. The beginning of this was just kind of dull. You really want to make the beginning "pop" so that the readers will want to continue reading and will be entertained the whole time.

Overall, it was well written. I would just change a few things in the beginning.
Keep writing!




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Okay. Well, I couldn't find any grammatical or spelling errors (except for where Needew turned on his HUD and you said that some of the information 'were' redundant) so kudos, but it also didn't seem very well written. I mean, your grasp of language is excellent, but you really need to improve upon your descriptions. What did the compound look like? What do the main characters look like? What kind of weaponry were they equipped with? That sort of thing.
Also, how the hell did 52 (or so I've added up ) men take on 1000 elite troops armed with tanks and what-not? It's utterly nonsensical!

"It was a race to the death. Sort of. Men from both sides were being killed, faster than one could recite the code." First off, what code? You need to refer to this earlier on as it doesn't make sense on it's own. You then say that an hour later, folk are still fighting. I thought they were dying really fast? Keep the story consistent if you can.

All-in-all, it has plenty of potential to be an excellent piece, you just need to beef out your descriptions a bit. And try not to leave too many questions, unless you plan to wrtite a sequel. Who are the Arudka? What exactly is the Pyrimid? Did you mean to misspell pyramid? Why is there a war? But anyway, either write a sequel or edit this one. Keep it up!
I hae but ane gallant son, and if he were to follow me in my footsteps, how proud I shall be.

Time isn't a straight line. It's a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff




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Hai! Here I am as promised, sorry it took a while ^^

Line-By-Line

Captain Needew and his men were on this flight for five hours now, they were deep in enemy territory. [This is a little awkward which you should always try to avoid, particularly when it's the first sentence! I'd suggest something like: 'Captain Needew and his men were five hours into the flight, they were deep in enemy territory.' or 'Five hours into the flight, Captain Needew and his men found themselves deep in enemy territory.'] Their stealth aircraft could only go a few more minutes before having to turn back, [Maybe a semi colon or full stop here instead?] they were approaching the drop zone.


Their earpieces cracked [I think you mean crackled.] to life, informing them in a robotic version of the plane captain%u2019s voice [Do you really have to state this? It's a little cumbersome, easier to say the captain's voice.] that the temperature outside was -30 degrees Celsius at 50,000 feet above sea level, ground temperature was at 29 degrees, the humidity was at 70%, and visibility was at ten feet.
[Okay so I'm a little confused as to why the captain is giving these details. That's usually the scientist's job or whoever's in the readings room at the time. Maybe second-in-command at a push.]

They waited in tense anticipation for the countdown to finish...seven...six... five...four... three...two...one...The doors swung downward, opening two gaping holes in the craft, and the fifty men rushed out.
[Maybe draw the count down out to build your reader's anticipation. For example, 'Seven. They checked their helmets. Six. Five. They looked out, through the fog at the ground so far below. Four.' etc.]

The Seekers, as they were called, had been practicing their drills incessantly for the past two weeks. They were ready. He knew it. Five minutes later, Needew%u2019s H.U.D saw him at 20,000 feet. After another five thousand feet, the whole gang opened up their parachutes. They slowed rapidly in the fog.
[Just a quick example of where you should be more careful about your word choice. Gang gives the wrong impression. It's too casual and sticks out like a sore thumb. Try something like squad or platoon. I'm not very military minded so you may have to research the accuracy of those, but be sure to choose words that fit your context and your mood.]

They landed, Needew thought, without any complications. A few were stuck in the trees, but they could be taken down easily. It was time for the show to begin. Splitting up the group into four teams, an officer leading each, they went their different paths. As commanding officer, Needew chose the honor of the most difficult route.
[The leader taking the difficult/ most dangerous route is rare. Not unheard of but generally it's his best trusted officer/ the worst of his men who takes the tricky path while the leader gives himself the mass command. It's like the old saying that the best place for your worst troops is in the van. The van being the vanguard which is the forefront of the fight. Normally the officers would be strong, loyal men but the troops themselves would be the green ones.]

The three officers silently [How? How are they discussing this and how silently? Do they have some sort of code system in place, using their hands?] discussed their battle plans, Renao was to go straight for the objective and get out immediately, the rest were to serve as a distraction for the Arudkas. Needew was taking the left, Borlington was taking the right, and Barlew was to provide covering fire. All of them were to keep concealed until they were found out.


Pyrimid vs Pyramid

Okay so what is the Pyrimid? Its name is so close to Pyramid that I keep thinking of a great big triangular tomb built by the ancient Egyptians. But I'm sure that's not what you mean! If it's something that already exists, describe it. Give us details when you first mention it so we can distinguish in our minds that it is not a pyramid. If you made it up then I suggest changing the name to something more different so that there's less confusion.

This happened. Then that happened.

My main criticism of this is your story-telling style. There's a good plot here, particularly with the disapointment at the end and great potential to have some awesome action scenes. But. Right now it's dry and it's filled with you telling us what's happening instead of showing us. You've let yourself get bogged down in the detail and forgotten what's important to your readers: excitement! You need to build the atmosphere more with stronger descriptions and a greater variation of sentences. You want your reader to be cheering Needew on and holding their breath, hoping for his survival. Instead we barely know who he is and I stumble over his name every time because it's not the smoothest of names and I keep wondering if it's Nee-Due or Need- ooh. It's just not the easiest to sound out. As for his men, they were just nothing. Passing characters who quickly got killed.

Well that's all for now but feel free to pm me if you have any questions or would like a follow up review! Hopefully this will give you a few ideas,

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

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Z, the nitpicks seem to be gone by now, but there's something I wanted to point out.
Dialogue.
That means speech, talking, any sort of noise from the characters to break the monotony f description and narration. You have absolutely none of that. I would imagine that these soldiers ( who are very similar to the Spartans in HALO) would need to communicate somehow
If nothing else, a Cortana-like AI in Needaw's head would be very relieving. ;)
Other than that, I've got nothing else, Z. Your writing skill has increased greatly in such a short time, man. :D
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If a story is in you, it has to come out.
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