The Dark Thing

Death watched her from the darkest corner of the cell. It crept among the shadows, waiting for her to let her guard down, watching carefully for its chance to pounce. Curled in a tight ball on the bench carved into the stone wall, Emily stared at the thing, darker than dark in the shadowed corner. Her eyes began to droop. She was so tired. She wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to stay awake, but she dared not take her eyes from the dark thing in the corner. It was crouched in a ball like she, its features masked by the darkness it hid in. She didn’t know what it was but she knew if she looked away, it would get her.
The guard standing outside the bared door was oblivious to the creature in her cell. She feared if she called out she would only draw the things attention, and the guard would ignore her like he always did. She was a prisoner. She was a 14 year old girl, but she was a prisoner. No one knew or really cared that she was alone in the dank cell. They’d killed her brother, her parents where long dead, soon she would be to. But she’d much rather die from hanging then from the dark thing in the corner.
Emily’s eyes slipped closed, and for a moment her mind went blank. She couldn’t even panic. Finally, when her eyes opened, they focused on something ahead… they focused on Death.

I liked it. Very well done. As it said in the title this was done for a contest, right? I think I get the gist of the contest, but I'm not sure. So if you could explain that I'd be much obliged. Well, to give critique to this piece I'd have to say there is very little to say. I, personally, like to critique for content because most people on this site critique grammar mostly, and that is not my forte. Well, assuming that this is the end of a story, which is what I gathered from the contest I believe this was written for, I liked it. I, of course, don't know why she died, or why she was in jail, but that's not important to the excerpt in my opinion. All I'm trying to say is that your content was good. The piece unfolded very smoothly. At first, I was confused by the placement of death, but as the piece opened up I liked the way you put it in, as a shadow in the corner. I feel like that is how it always is. Every moment of our life has a little death in the corner I'd say. Well, that's all I have to say. Good job. I hope someone else comments with grammar so you get that aspect of review as well.

That was pretty good. It left me hanging and wanting to find out what is going to happen next. I think that you might be able to make it a little more vivid if you added some more details. What did her cell look like? Were the walls wet and mossy? Did it smell moldy? Were the bars slightly rusted? Adding more small details can really make a story come alive. This can also lengthen your story. But overall, I really enjoyed it.

Keep Writing,
-Xreigon

You reviewed something of mine earlier, I do believe! Thanks. BUT, that doesn't mean I'm going to be any easier on you. This was alright, but I felt like it never really matured into an actual story. We were very quickly introduced to her life (imprisoned, family dead...) and yet we don't really ever get a glimpse of her emotions. It felt like this was dragging its feet a little as well; no climax, no peak of emotion or sadness or fear. My one critique is just to emphasize the emotional aspects of her situation, because then we will be able to sympathize with your character.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

This is for a contest that has to be exactly 250 words and it has to end with the word it started with. That's why its not very descriptive I guess. I'm not very good at short stories so that's part of it as well. Thanks for all the comments and advice, please read my other work.

Peace, CapsLock

She feared if she called out she would only draw the things attention,

*thing's
Things is the plural of thing, thing's is possessive.

Emily’s eye’s slipped closed,

*eyes

Finely, when her eyes opened, they focused on something ahead…

I think what you meant to say here was "Finally".
Finely would be used more like this: "The pepper was finely ground, and then scattered across the roasted lamb."


This was an interesting piece, mostly because the girl could physically see death. I feel like you could make this story so powerful, but you just fell short.
The way you described death was weak. I feel like the girl should call it something more powerful than 'thing'. To even call it the 'darkness' would be better than 'thing'.
Also, if she was 14 years old, why is she in jail? It just doesn't seem right. Maybe you could describe the reason briefly? You know, clue the readers in. As well, I'd love an insight into her emotions. Is she feeling wary, afraid, numb? It seems like she's having an incredibly tough time, she must be feeling something.
It would be difficult to change it up now, but I would suggest doing so. Take it as a challenge.
Hope this helped!