To Be Stuck On You

Unedited. Enjoy? Critique it!

To Be Stuck On You (We're Too Old)

You spoke of foreign lands
The time that you had spent
In place of serene bliss
Morning dew and mist
Irish whiskey, dear
The rain's never so clear
Things that you've been through
My mind just sticks to you

We touched the hearts of us
Our held hands bled our trust
Stained palms we turned up
Watched pasts turn to dust
And all you have been through
The best only suits you
A sum of all our parts
My mind is stuck on us

The clothing that you wear
Even the color of your hair
I've never seen perfection
Walk the grass like you
And being that we may
Never feel the same
As we did when we were young
I've grown to love someone

Hey! This is an awesome poem!

The clothing that you wear
Even the color of your hair
I've never seen perfection
Walk the grass like you
And being that we may
Never feel the same
As we did when we were young
I've grown to love someone

This is by far my favorite stanza. The first time I read it, I didn't fully understand it, but after I'd read over it again, I really liked it. I think it would've been a lot easier to understand had you punctuated it, but, like you said, you haven't edited it, so that's fine.

You spoke of foreign lands
The time that you had spent
In place of serene bliss
Morning dew and mist
Irish whiskey, dear
The rain's never so clear
Things that you've been through
My mind just sticks to you

This stanza is a little confusing, at least to me. The most confusing part is the sixth verse, about the rain. It just seems out of place, at least, in my mind. Maybe I'm just missing what you're trying to say in this stanza (today's been a very long day ).

Still, great work! I really enjoyed reading this!

Keep writing!!!

Hello! I'm here to review My comments and corrections are in bold.

IveGotMyWords wrote:
To Be Stuck On You (We're Too Old)

You spoke of foreign lands.
The time that you had spent
In a place of serene bliss.
Morning dew and mist,
Irish whiskey, dear. (I feel this line would flow better with the previous lyrir if you added a second thing. 'Irish whiskey, _______, dear.")
The rain's never so clear.
The things that you've been through
My mind just sticks to on you.

We touched the hearts of us. (This lyric makes absolutely no sense to me. You should cut it and choose a different lyric.
Our held intertwined hands bled our trust,
Stained palms we turned up.
Watched pasts the past turn to dust.
And afterall you have been through.
The best only suits you.
A sum of all our parts. (Again, I dislike this lyric. Re-write it.)
My mind is mind's stuck on us.

The clothing clothes that you wear
Even the color of your hair.
I've never seen perfection
Walk the grass ground like you.
And being that Seeing how we may
Never feel the same way,
As we did when we were young.
I've grown to love someone.

- Next time, please use punctuation marks in your poem. It's grammicay incorrect to leave them out and it may annoy your readers right from the start, as it did with me. Edit it the way I have.

- It annoyed me that the poem was in three long stanzas. Edit the poem so there are stanzas with four lines each, rhyimng in ABCB order. Clumping those lines together will throw your reader off and causes more strain on the eyes, thus making your reader annoyed and leavingthe story unread.

- I know this is a poem and it's hard to be descriptive about certain things, but you work on the imagery? Add some colours, describe this boy you love. The poem seemed bland and colourless to me, it produced no images in my head. I love imagery 8D

- If you would take these modifications I've made and edit the story like them, I'd love to re-read it. Hopefully, I won't find a single mistake!

God job. Keep writing.

- Ariel<3'