Chapter 3 (unknown title)

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Next thing I knew, I was on the ground, cheek scraped against the pavement. Lauren was staring down at me with absolute horror written all over her face. Don't just lay there, Arnold! Get up! I could only manage to roll over on my back and look up towards the sky. Charlie stood before me, the sun behind him, making him look no more than a mere shadow. I wished that's all he was. Charlie stepped toward me, a malignant grin spread across his unattractive face. I propped myself up on my elbows, ready to face my superior when Lauren stepped in front of me.
"Don't you dare hurt him again or you'll regret it, I swear." Very brave on Lauren's part, but Charlie simply smirked and pushed her away. The full fury of Lauren Rivera came crashing down like Niagara Falls, soaking everyone in fear. She had Charlie pinned to the ground in five seconds flat! They tussled for a few moments until Charlie shouted for his minions to grab her. Lauren put up a good fight, but three guys against one girl? Pretty tough odds. The minions held her back so she couldn't interfere with the horrible murder of Arnold Holloway.
Charlie, breathing hard, turned to me and wiped the blood from his lip. My super awesome kick-butt girlfriend got some really good punches in that fight, and hopefully that weakened him a bit. However, I had no such luck. Charlie grabbed me by the shirt collar and hoisted me up so my feet were dangling a foot above the sidewalk. He looked me straight in the eye and gave me one of those creepy smiles, showing all his gold and silver crowned teeth. When he spoke, I could smell his rotten breath. "Your girl gave me a good warm up, Holloway." He glanced over at his minions, and one of them punched Lauren in the stomach, making her double over in pain. Charlie seemed to feed off of other people's misery because when he turned back to me, his smile was wider than before. I gripped his arm and tried to yank it off my shirt, but he was like the Incredible Hulk. With one quick motion, he threw me down on the ground, hard. I cringed there, mumbling feebly when I remembered that Lauren was probably watching me. I stood up in a flash, and faced Charlie with what little courage I had.
"What's that Hollow? You're gonna fight? Huh?" He started laughing when I put my fists up. I must've looked pretty pathetic because Charlie's gang started chuckling as well. I couldn't even bring myself to look at Lauren. Before I changed my mind, I dashed into battle, my fist aimed at Charlie's stomach. Unfortunately he was one step ahead of me as always, or maybe I was just slow. He whipped out his fist at the last second and instead of his gut, it was my gut. So now I was doubled over in pain like Lauren had been, hoping Charlie didn't punch me again in my moment of weakness. Arnold. He's a bully, you moron. Of course he was going to beat you down even lower than you stood. Then Charlie kicked me in the ribs, and the rest was all a blur. I punched and missed, blocked but failed. Finally Charlie ended it all with a swift punch to the jaw. Hands on knees and covered with sweat and blood, I looked up at Charlie, wondering what he had in store for me next.
"Face it, Hollow," Charlie said with fake sympathy in his voice. "You'll always be the weakling in the dirt, begging for mercy after a fight-" He slammed his forearm on my back, knocking me down on my hands and knees. My hands were cut and stung horribly when they collided with the pavement.
"-Looking up towards your superior,"Charlie continued as he kicked me in the ribs. I groaned with agony, and lay down on the sidewalk, cheek on the pavement. Right back were I started, except this time, even lower on self esteem.
"You're dirt, Holloway, dirt!" Charlie started to yell. "No one cares who you are or what you can do! I'll always be the one on top!" That's when he fell. Something I'd never thought I'd see in my lifetime.
"Run, Arnold!" Lauren screamed at me. I looked up and saw her get out of a perfect foot sweep position. The minions who had been holding her were laying against the fence, dead still. Not caring how much it hurt, I clambered onto my knees, using my hands to force myself into a standing position. I jumped into action a few seconds short, because Charlie came from behind and got me in a choke hold. I pushed a fist up and felt his nose crack. He released his hold immediately and attempted to fit his nose back in its proper place. I got him, I got him! I celebrated in my mind as I sprinted toward no particular destination.
The joy vanished as soon as I heard someone following me. Panicking, I put on another burst of speed, leaving my pursuer in the dust. As I turned a corner, I glanced behind me, hoping the follower had given up. They were gone. I turned my head around with relief and heard a loud bang. Frozen in place, I tried to walk forward, but I fell on my back instead. My vision started to cloud and I fell into the impenetrable darkness of unconsciousness.
Last edited by GrandmaMuffin on Sun Sep 25, 2011 6:36 pm, edited 7 times in total.
If you expect the unexpected, wouldn't that make the unexpected the expected?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth enjoys it?

~EPICFAIL~




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You had me at the first sentence! What a great talent you have. I'm looking forward to reading some more of your work.




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This is interesting and very action jam packed. I think you did a great job describing everything I could imagine it in my head as a movie actually. There are a few things I do have to point out:

GrandmaMuffin wrote: Don't just lay there, Arnold! Get up!


I imagine his girlfriend Lauren is saying this so maybe you should put this in quotes and give it its own sentence.

GrandmaMuffin wrote:"Don't you dare strike him again or you'll regret it, I swear."


This here needs to have its own sentence.
GrandmaMuffin wrote:"You're dirt Holloway, dirt!


I think you mean dirty.
GrandmaMuffin wrote:"Looking up towards your superior.


Maybe say look up towards your superior.
GrandmaMuffin wrote:I fell into the impenetrable darkness known as unconsciousness.


Impenetrable is a little awkward here, maybe you can use another word.

BUT! I really did enjoy reading this and liked it from beginning to end. You had a very good pace. The only suggestion I would make is try to type it in a more...readable format. Other than that fantastic job.
Follow your bliss.-J.Campbell




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Hello again!
*rubs hands together eagerly* Okay, let's get started. :D
I liked the action in this as well. You kept my interest, added just the right amount of suspense.
But, as always, I have my Nitpicks:
cheek scraped against the pavement.

The preposition you used really bothered me. Maybe "scraped on" the pavement. I know what you were trying to say, but "against" made me interpret it as he was on the ground, and then his cheek scraped against the pavement, not the latter a result of the former.
Don't just lay there, Arnold! Get up!

Any time Arnold talks to himself, you should indicate thought with italics.
Charlie stood before me, the sun behind him, making him look no more than a mere shadow.

Nice.
"Don't you dare strike him again or you'll regret it, I swear."

I know Lauren uses more sophisticated language than Arnold, but the wording of this is a little...pretentious? Contrived maybe? It just doesn't seem natural, even for her. I think my only problem is the word "strike," though.
soaking everyone with in fear.

Not sure about this one...
Lauren put up a good fight, but three guys against one girl? Pretty tough odds.

The minions held her back so she couldn't interfere with the horrible murder of Arnold Holloway.

I love this!
However, I had no such luck.

When he spoke, I could smell his rotten breath. "Your girl gave me a good warm up, Holloway."

When you start a sentence with "when..." you need a comma before the next clause. And when you directly address someone, you need to put a comma around their name. :D
He glanced over at his minions, and one of them punched Lauren in the stomach,

If both clauses in your compound sentence are dependent, you need a comma before the conjunction.
Charlie seemed to feed off of other people's misery,never put a comma before "because" because when he turned back to me, his smile was wider than before.

but he was like the incredible hulk.

I want to say Incredible Hulk should be capitalized since it's the name of a character in a comic book. I'm really not sure, though.
I must've looked pretty pathetic because Charlie's gang started chuckling as well. I couldn't even bring myself to look at Lauren.

Awww. Poor Arnold.
So now I was doubled over in pain like Lauren once was,

"...once was.." sounds awkward. Either leave it out, or you could say "had been."
Arnold. He's a bully, you moron. Of course he was going to beat you down even lower than you stood.

Italics
Then Charlie kicked me in the ribs, and the rest was all a blur.

I punched and missed, blocked but failed.

Very nice parallel structure.
"Face it, Hollow,"

Another direct address thing.
begging for mercy after a fight." He slammed his forearm on my back...
"Looking up towards your superior," Charlie continued

Okay, because of the "Charlie continued," you might try ending the first dialogue with a dash and starting the next one with a dash, to show that his little speech is connected. Right now, "looking up towards your superior" sounds weird until you read the tag. So, it would look like this: "...after a fight - " He slammed his forearm....." - Looking up towards your superior," Charlie continued. It's up to you, though.
"You're dirt, Holloway, dirt!"

He released his hold immediately and attempted to fit his nose back in its proper place.

*squeal*
My vision started to cloud and I fell into the impenetrable darknessknown as of unconsciousness.


OO! I love your ending. :D Great use of suspense. :D
You did a great job with the pace of your fight scene. I didn't feel like it went on too long, saying the same things over an over again. That's a slippery slope in fight scenes. So, congrats. :D I can't wait to read the next chapter. I hope this helped. As always, feel free to contact me with questions or comments. Happy writing!
-Sea-
'Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives.

Reviews? You know you want one. :)

*Ribbit*



The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices; to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicions can destroy. A thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own.
— Rod Serling, Twilight Zone