Shattered Rainbows

1.

Waking up isn't a chore, staying awake is. When I open my eyes, I'm somewhere new, somewhere different and days, weeks and sometimes even months have passed me by. It's not by choice, it's not something I can change or something I can cure. I just disappear from this world and into my dreams. Therapists say that I need to keep a tighter hold on reality, I think reality is subjective. Maybe my dreams are reality?

I've been awake for a month now and already I see the changes in mum, she hums. She doesn't clutch onto a rosary everytime I sneeze, she creates the radical recipes she used to make back when she went to culinary school. She's forever leaving subscriptions to lads mags like Nuts and Playboy around the house where I can see them. She's creating a new illusion, one where I won't dissapear again.

I'm sat on the kitchen floor looking up at my mother as she slices tomatoes deftly whilst having another one of her one-sided conversations with me.

'And then I said, I can't help it if your sons all want to fuck me.' She continued, mixing the tomatoes in with the rest of the salad. 'Guess what the old biddy's response was?'

I coughed and grunted.

'Exactly. Kicked me out, mumbled something about their "private" Pilates group not being the right place for me. Lying --- Zach? Zach? Zachary?' She called terror creeping into her voice.

'Calm down, I was just daydreaming.' I said. Her grip had tightened on the knife, and the mirth had left her. She slowly left the salad on the table, staring at my everymove as she left the kitchen to reach the nearest phone, to call the hospital and snarl at interns.

'You do enough of that already.' She muttered underneath her breath as she left.

I remained sitting on the floor. I did nothing, said nothing, just held my breath hoping the lack of oxygen would keep me awake.

I could hear mum whispering on the phone asking Dr Davis for help. I could almost hear the gruff tone of his world weary voice and the way he would say, "Mrs Adams -mum would interject and correct him with a low growl 'Miss'- If your son decides to fall into his slumber, there is no way it can be helped, he can only go to further therapy to figure out what exactly is wrong with him and how to stop this phenomenon. -mum would snarl abuse upon abuse and somewhere in between she'd place 'a plaque upon both houses', slay three dragons and kill a porcupine --wait what?

-/-

Most people do not rememeber a huge percentage of their dreams, but I live mine. I spend every waking moment in mine, and the sepia tones in an open countryside tell me that I'm in another one of my dreams.

Spoiler

Thought I might as well post something for Review Sunday, and well this was lying around all unfinished so..

Hi there!

I had the same idea to post something before review day, but I didn't get around to it.

Anyway, this is a good story. I like your characters, they're very relatable. You didn't get too much into their lives, but it seemed to work just well. I am still left with a few questions though. What does the main character have wrong with him? Why does he need to see a therapist? Other than that, everything was clear.

Here's a small correction I have:

I'm sat sitting on the kitchen floor looking up at my mother as she slices tomatoes deftly whilst having another one of her one-sided conversations with me.

I think I know what you were trying to say, but it sounds better when you use the word sitting instead.

Overall this is a good story. Keep writing!

First of all, let me say that I like your title a lot.

Okay, so:

A couple minor errors - "create the radical reciepes she used to make," for example, should be "the radical RECIPES she used to make." I also feel like "create" should become "recreate" since she is making these recipes again. Also, you might want to consider changing the salad she's making - you say she used to make "radical" recipes and is making them again, but salad isn't very radical.

There are a few other places where things like this could be changed, as well as one spot between the opening and the "now" action in which you mix up your tenses a bit, but let me move on to other things.

I like the idea behind this, but it gets confusing at points. I mean, given that the narrator is the main character, who is suffering from some sort of mental illness, it's okay in a certain sense for things to be confusing - it's okay if the main character starts musing about something in a way that most "normal" people would not think about it, that sort of thing. But some things I found a little confusing here:

Okay, so he's awake and has been awake for a month - I understand that he sort of lives in his dreams, but to me that sounded more schizophrenic than narcoleptic, so I was confused by all the references to being "awake" until I clicked on "view novel" and read your summary/teaser thingy. Narcolepsy is when someone falls asleep at random times. It's a dangerous disorder because a narcoleptic can fall asleep at any moment, like when they're driving. As far as I know, a narcoleptic does not fall asleep and stay alseep for a long period of time. He does not live his dreams - he just falls asleep at odd moments, even if he had a good night's sleep last night. According to the National Institue of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, a narcoleptic's bought of sleep can last from several seconds to several minutes.

If you want someone who is more emotionally disturbed, who is paranoid, who lives in a sort of dream world, I would suggest going with schizophrenia as the disorder of choice, rather than narcolepsy. Do your research!!! For information regarding these and other disorders, I suggest checking out the official website of the National Institue of Neurological Disorders and Stroke: http://www.ninds.nih.gov/index.htm

Hope this helps!

Blue

I loved this story! From the first line i was hooked!

Man i would soo want to know what's reallly wrong with him! Was it a tragedy of some kind or what? u_u

Most people do not rememeber a huge percentage of their dreams, but I live mine. I spend every waking moment in mine, and the sepia tones in an open countryside tell me that I'm in another one of my dreams.

I loved this sentence. To me, its meaning goes way beneath. It's like if there was something readers had to grasp form it! I liked it!

ANd all in all, niice story! Keep up the good work!

Wow, you caught me instantly. The opening line, the first paragraph and the title were all done brilliantly!

I've been awake for a month now

I like how you are giving a new meaning to awake, it's very interesting.

I'm sat

I'm sitting?

And then I said, I can't help it if your sons all want to fuck me.' She continued,

This seems like a shocking thing for a mother to be saying to her son! That's fine, of course, it provides more character. It's very unusual but I like it.

and the sepia tones in an open countryside tell me that I'm in another one of my dreams.

I think you can just leave it at "I'm in another one" it's clear and I think it sounds better.

All in all, this piece was fantastic. I loved the tone and the creativity of it and I look forward to seeing more. I don't really have anything else to say, hope this helped and happy Review Day!

Hey, Anger
All in all, good job. It's an interesting plot, and I like your character.

1.

Waking up isn't a chore, staying awake is. When I open my eyes, I'm somewhere new, somewhere different and days, weeks and sometimes even months have passed me by. It's not by choice, it's not something I can change or something I can cure. I just disappear from this world and into my dreams. Therapists say that I need to keep a tighter hold on reality, I think reality is subjective. Maybe my dreams are reality?

I've been awake for a month now and already I see the changes in mum, she hums. She doesn't clutch onto a rosary everytime I sneeze, she creates the radical recipes she used to make back when she went to culinary school. She's forever leaving subscriptions to lads mags like Nuts and Playboy around the house where I can see them. She's creating a new illusion, one where I won't dissapear again.

I'm sat on the kitchen floor looking up at my mother as she slices tomatoes deftly whilst having another one of her one-sided conversations with me.

'And then I said, I can't help it if your sons all want to fuck me.' She continued, mixing the tomatoes in with the rest of the salad. 'Guess what the old biddy's response was?'

I coughed and grunted.

'Exactly. Kicked me out, mumbled something about their "private" Pilates group not being the right place for me. Lying --- Zach? Zach? Zachary?' She called terror creeping into her voice.

'Calm down, I was just daydreaming.' I said. Her grip had tightened on the knife, and the mirth had left her. She slowly left the salad on the table, staring at my everymove as she left the kitchen to reach the nearest phone, to call the hospital and snarl at interns.

'You do enough of that already.' She muttered underneath her breath as she left.

I remained sitting on the floor. I did nothing, said nothing, just held my breath hoping the lack of oxygen would keep me awake.

I could hear mum whispering on the phone asking Dr Davis for help. I could almost hear the gruff tone of his world weary voice and the way he would say, "Mrs Adams -mum would interject and correct him with a low growl 'Miss'- If your son decides to fall into his slumber, there is no way it can be helped, he can only go to further therapy to figure out what exactly is wrong with him and how to stop this phenomenon. -mum would snarl abuse upon abuse and somewhere in between she'd place 'a plaque upon both houses', slay three dragons and kill a porcupine --wait what?

-/-

Most people do not rememeber a huge percentage of their dreams, but I live mine. I spend every waking moment in mine, and the sepia tones in an open countryside tell me that I'm in another one of my dreams.

Very good. Almost perfect, even, but there's always room for improvement.

I'm sat on the kitchen floor looking up at my mother as she slices tomatoes deftly whilst having another one of her one-sided conversations with me.

I believe you mean, "I'm sitting on the kitchen floor, looking up at my mother as she slices tomatoes deftly whilst having another one of her one-sided conversations with me."

Also...

'And then I said, I can't help it if your sons all want to fuck me.'

I know it's not really against the rules or anything, but, if possible, please keep it PG. I just felt the need to point that out.

Oh, and I think quotes would have been a better choice here.

"And then I said, 'I can't help it if all your sons want to fuck me,'" she continued, mixing the tomatoes with the rest of the salad. "Guess what the old biddy's response was?"

I coughed and grunted.

"Exactly. Kicked me out, and mumbled something about their 'private' Pilates class not being the place for me.

To sum it up, most of the errors lie in grammar. Quotes should be " " and titles like "Dr." and "Mrs." need periods. When a quote ends in a sentence such as:

"The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog," said Mrs. Doe.

The quote must end in a comma, not a period.

I hope that all made sense. XD PM me if I need to explain further.

This was a very interesting story. Overall, I like how you use one specific instance (the one where he is sitting and his mom is slicing tomatoes) to introduce a lifestyle/pattern we are not aware of. The way his mother darkly says that he always daydreams, and then calls the doctor indicates that it is an everyday occurance. The only thing I am slightly confused about is the mother's character. How does her character (playboy, cursing, cougar qualities) enhance the story as a whole?
Other than that, splendid story that piqued my interest. It had many similar qualities to Inception, I think.

This is really good. I found it enticing from the moment I started reading. I really like how you organized it as well, it wasn't perfectly in order, but it was good enough that I could really understand it. I really have nothing bad to say. Grammar wise I think everyone has already pointed out what needs to be done. Content wise I think it's a strong piece and that it could go places.

Happy Writing.

Hello
I liked it! very creative and it's easy to relate to!
'Most people do not rememeber a huge percentage of their dreams, but I live mine. I spend every waking moment in mine, and the sepia tones in an open countryside tell me that I'm in another one of my dreams.'

I think that was the best line that told the most. Your story kind of reminds me of how I day dream a lot. Good job and keep writing!

Hey there.
Priceless here for your review.

I've been awake for a month now and already I see the changes in mum; she hums.

Awake for a month? Does that he mean he hasn't slept in a whole month? Is that possible? Maybe clarify this?

She's creating a new illusion, one where I won'tdissapear disappear again.

I'm sat on the kitchen floor looking up at my mother as she slices tomatoes deftly whilst having another one of her one-sided conversations with me.

I'm sat? I think it should be 'I'm sitting' or 'I sat'.

staring at my everymove as she left the kitchen to reach the nearest phone, to call the hospital and snarl at interns.

That sounds wrong. I think it should be 'watching my every move'.

'You do enough of that already," She muttered underneath her breath as she left.

Apart from them nitpicks, this was pretty good. The idea looks interesting, I've never read a story about this disease before so..something new and fresh. I look forward to reading the rest of this. Very well done!!

Hi there I really liked this piece. I liked the flow of it and the imagery was amazing. I especially loved the oxymoron of your title. For me however, I feel the pace suffered a little at the end. If this is a novel you're working on, then I would suggest not giving too much away. Apart from that, great work! I especially loved your technique. Keep it up!

And remember: always look on the bright side of life.

A few errors I have found:

I'm sat on the kitchen

> "''m" should be omitted.

'You have done enough of that already.' She muttered underneath her breath as she left.

Your story is very interesting, kinda leaves me curious about what happened to that that boy and what's with him. I would keep tracking the rest of the chapters if you have posted any. Great job.

Hi AM!
This a a really short comment. I usually don't like these because they are really useless, but I just wanted you to know I love the characters you've created, and I love Zachary's sickness. It's really interesting and I've never heard of it before. It reminded me of a movie I've recently watched, inception. I know its not the same, but that would be how I pictured his dreams.

Loving the idea!

Deanie x