Drivers Never Sleep (possible title)

Spoiler

I am thinking of using this story for a contest. Not entirely sure yet though. Your suggestions and opinion would be really beneficial! Thanks and hope you enjoy

“I’m dancing in the street. I’m d-d-dancing.” My intoxicated friend sang as she twirled like a five year old, in the faintly lit road.
I released an exasperated breath, before asking in a tired voice, “Cass, how much farther is your house?”
She stopped dancing as she turned to face me. It was hard to make out her face in the dim streetlights, but it looked as if she was pouting. For a seventeen year old, she was doing quite a good job of resembling a seven year old. If I didn’t feel so awful from the alcohol, I would have laughed, but I wasn’t really in the laughing mood. I just really wanted to get off of these creepy and unfamiliar streets and go to sleep. Not to mention that I was dreading how I would most likely feel tomorrow morning when I woke up. Yeah… I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with a drunken Cassidy.
“Buzz kill. Why c-can’t yeah j-just have some… some fun for once, Kaylee?” She stumbled across her words like a toddler first learning to talk.
I ran a hand through my long, brown hair. I tried to refrain from lashing out at my close friend, as I muttered, “I did have some fun. You know, at the party we just went to? Now the party is over, and it’s time to go home. So, how about a little less dancing, and a lot more walking.”
I didn’t want to add the fact that her neighbourhood gave me the creeps, as it wasn’t exactly the nicest part of town. Sure, there weren’t any boarded up houses, and it technically was not dangerous, but it was still not the best area to be wandering around, at one in the morning. I must have looked really suspicious, as every three seconds I would whip my head around to check behind me. I also made sure to peer into every car window that I passed, just to make sure no one was inside. I know that I must sound like some crazy person, but I have watched too many horror movies not to be precautious.
Cassidy dragged her feet against the black pavement, as she slowly made her way back onto the sidewalk with me. “Fine, let’s go.” She mumbled when she reached me.
I sent her an apologetic smile, before inspecting the interior of the small car parked on the road beside us. Cassidy scrunched up her pale face at me. I simply shrugged my shoulders and tried my best to sound nonchalant as I told her, “What? I’m just making sure no one is inside. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Humour sparkled in her morning-sky blue eyes. She looked as if she was about to say something, but she just shook her head at me.
We walked in silence for the next few house lengths, listening to nothing but the eerie silence of a sleeping street, mixed in with the steady thud of our feet brushing against the sidewalk. I continued to check the cars that we passed, along with my erratic area inspections. It was unusual for Cassidy to be this quiet for so long, so I suspect that her energy rush was finally starting to wear off. Thank goodness.
The quiet came to an end when I noticed something unsettling. We were passing an older-looking black truck, and of course I took a quick peek inside, when I noticed that there was actually someone sitting in the driver’s seat. With the low lighting and my tired eyes, it was hard to make out what exactly he was doing.
I lightly hit Cassidy’s arm. “There is a guy in that truck over there.” I whispered anxiously. I could feel my stomach twisting unnervingly.
She turned her head around to face the truck. I watch her as she squinted her eyes to get a better look. “I think he’s sleeping.” She replied calmly.
“Sleeping?” I took another look at the driver, and realized that she was right. He was sleeping. His chair was reclined slightly and his head hung loosely towards his window. He also had a baseball cap tilted down, covering the top half of his face. “Why would he be sleeping?” I asked in a hushed tone.
My friend shrugged her shoulders as she continued walking. “I dunno. Maybe he was driving, an-and got tired, so he pulled…pulled over to sleep.”
I guess that made sense, but why would he pull over here? It wasn’t near any major streets or highways. Even if it was, you sure wouldn’t catch me taking a nap on this road.
My turtle-slow pace had stopped completely, as I took another look at the black pick-up truck. I supposed Cassidy could be right, but I still had a bad feeling about him. The kind you get when you know that you forgot something important, but you just can’t figure out what. This guy didn’t look overly suspicious, but I still felt like he was guilty of something, I’m just not exactly sure what.
“You coming?” Cassidy’s voice made me jump.
I spun around to see her standing a few metres away with her hands on her hips. “Um, yeah.” I replied shakily.
As I hurried towards her, I could see a smile on her flawless face. She raised her blonde eyebrows and said with a laugh, “Whoa, someone’s par-a-noid.”
I shifted uncomfortably and dropped my brown eyes from her blue ones. I looked back up when I heard her laughing. “What?”
“Can-yeah, can-yeah imagine if… if you drank as much as me.” She paused as her eyes bulged out of her head. “You would have the cops here already. Oh Kaylee, Kaylee.” She concluded with more bubbling laughter.
I glared defensively back at her. “Would not.” I grumbled as I brushed past her. “Let’s just get home.”
Cassidy followed behind me, as she teased, “Okie-dokie, little Miss Paranoid.”
I didn’t bother humouring her with a response, but rather quickened my pace. I still didn’t trust that guy, and apparently my drunken friend thought that this was a big joke. Lovely.
I heard Cassidy run up beside me. She placed a warm hand on my shoulder as she said, “Slow down.” My usually polite friend then burped loudly, which only caused her to start laughing again. Her laughing ceased and her dopey smile was washed clean from her face, as she sucked in air. “Oh.”
“Oh?”
She didn’t say anything, as she stared blankly past me.
“Oh? What does, ‘oh’, mean?” I asked again, with tension clear in my voice this time.
She wrapped her arms around her stomach, before spinning around and flinging her head forward. I heard a wet splat, as something hit the pavement. I didn’t have to look to know what it was. I wanted to tell her how gross that was, but instead I just held her blonde locks as I let her get clean out some of the alcohol. It definitely was not the highlight of my night, and she picked the absolute worst time, but I know she would have done the same for me.
As I was standing with her, I could see car headlights driving up the road towards us. I watched uneasily as the lights came closer and brighter. The closer the car came, the more blinding the lights were. It wasn’t until it drove under a set of streetlights that I was able to get a good look at the car. It turns out that it wasn’t actually a car, but rather a truck. A beaten-up black pick-up truck. The exact same truck that not even five minutes ago contained the “sleeping” driver. I was instantaneously struck frozen with fear. One single thought floated through my numb brain, and that was to run. Oh crap.
“Cass, the truck… the truck is back.” I squeaked in horror.
She slowly stood up straight and turned to face me. “Huh?”
I gulped loudly. “Look.” I nodded my head in the direction of the approaching vehicle.
“How do you know it’s…it’s the same one?”
Instead of wasting time trying to convince her, I quickly grabbed a hold of her hand and broke into a run. I would have been able to run a lot faster, but Cassidy’s wobbly legs were slowing me down. I could hear my heart thumping loudly in my ears, as it raced at a frightening speed. I could hear Cassidy complaining, but I couldn’t focus on that. I needed to get us away from that truck, and fast. I risked tripping by taking a quick glance back, and when I did, I saw that the truck was steadily behind us. The unsettling part wasn’t that the truck was closely behind us, but rather the fact that it was still behind us. We may have been running, but at the pace we were going, it should have easily passed us. Clearly passing us was not the driver’s objective.
Through panting breaths I urgently asked, “How… how far is… your house? Next… street, right?”
She couldn’t even verbalize a response, so she just nodded her head.
I could feel my own exhaustion catching up with me, causing our pace to slow. My entire body felt incredibly heavy, and I had to force my weighted legs to keep pushing forward. The truck was close enough now that I could hear the engine. I didn’t bother looking exactly where it was, but if I had to guess, I would say directly beside us. The truck’s headlights lit up the empty street before us, which was a devastating reminder that if anything were to happen to us, there would be no witnesses. The possibility of dying tonight let loose a waterfall of tears. They caused my vision to blur, making it difficult to see where we were running. I tried blinking them away and wiping at them with my free hand, but more just kept coming. I was so overcome with stress and fear that I felt like I was going to explode any second. Everything was happening too fast. I needed to stop, breathe, and think, but there was no time. We were going to die and there was nothing I could do about it.
“Hey, do you girls need a ride somewhere? You seem like you’re in a hurry. Relax and hop in.” Hearing the driver’s deep and confident voice sent a chill down my spine.
The fear his voice filled me with, gave me the burst of adrenaline and energy that I needed to keep running. I could even feel Cassidy picking up pace.
“Oh, come on now. Don’t pretend that you can’t hear me. You both look really tired, so just let me help you. Don’t worry, I won’t bite.” Arrogance clung to each of his words.
I thought about calling out for help, but considering it was almost one in the morning, I didn’t think anyone would hear us. Screaming would only cause us to get tired faster, and I was running low on fuel as it was. I knew that Cassidy’s house was close, which made running straight there the most effective strategy. The only small crease in my plan, was the fact that he would see where she lived. He could very well just break in. I didn’t know who this guy was, or what he was capable of. We needed to find a way to lose him.
“Is… there some… other way to… your house? We have… to lose him.” I panted.
Cassidy bobbed her blond head. “Follow…me.”
We continued running as fast as our weak and tired legs would carry us. All the while, the black truck kept perfect pace with us. When we reached the end of the street, we hung a right. Instead of continuing down the sidewalk, we slipped in the blanketing blackness of someone’s backyard. I wasn’t too sure where Cassidy was taking us, but I trusted her.
We continued running through the next house’s backyard, and then the next. Finally, we were somewhere that I recognized. We were in Cassidy’s backyard. Once we reached her back patio, we had a moment to breathe as she fought to dig her key out of her purse. She triumphantly pulled it out and unlocked the door. When the door swung open, I felt an overwhelming feeling of relief. I knew we weren’t entirely safe, but I still felt safer.
Before collapsing, and taking the break we desperately needed, we scurried through her house to check all of the doors and windows. We made sure everything was locked and secured. I was happy to find that they were. Finally we could relax. Well, Cassidy could at least.
The moment we got to her bedroom she plummeted down on her bed. I went directly to her window, which faced the road. I took a deep breath in before peeking through the blinds. What I saw startled me; I didn’t even believe it when I first looked out. The street was completely deserted. There was not one single car driving down the road. More specifically, the back truck was not driving down the road. I stood there watching for a good five minutes, expecting for him to drive back down in search of us. He never did. He was gone and we were perfectly fine. We were okay. Another flood of tears streamed down my flushed cheeks. These were a different batch of tears. These were tears of relief and rejoice. There was a very good chance that I could have been lying unconscious in that creepy guy’s truck right now, but instead I was safe in Cassidy’s bedroom. I was alive. We were alive. The only reason why I couldn’t fall asleep that night, even with the draining alcohol, was the fact that I knew he was still out there. He was out there, waiting to pry on some other unsuspecting girls, along with the other millions of creeps in the world. I don’t think I will be able to have a peaceful sleep for a long time knowing that. I don’t think I will ever feel entirely safe in this town again because he is still out there…waiting.

Spoiler

I'm not too sure about the title. If you have any other possible title ideas please let me know. If you like the title that I already have, then let me know that as well. I suck at making titles, and this was the best I could think of. Sad I know... ahaha!

I quite like this. It's quite obvious what is going to happen from beginning to end but you make it easy to digest, you introduce us to both your characters including your MC (I'll call her paranoid.).

The scene that you've painted for us is an easily relateable one and this makes it easier for me to picture it. Paranoid is my least favourite character in this mostly because she mirrors my behaviour at certain parts of the story. Also in bits her paranoia seems a bit over the top, and unnecessary like here:

My turtle-slow pace had stopped completely, as I took another look at the black pick-up truck. I supposed Cassidy could be right, but I still had a bad feeling about him. The kind you get when you know that you forgot something important, but you just can’t figure out what. This guy didn’t look overly suspicious, but I still felt like he was guilty of something, I’m just not exactly sure what

I get her being a bit scared of the guy but mentioning that he didn't look overly suspicious completely dismisses the basis of her fear, and the to mention that she felt he was guilty of something just doesn't make sense and it makes me feel like the author has let something slip. Maybe this was planned, and if it was I'm sorry for bringing attention to it.

I liked the ending the way you left us wondering what was going to happen, if Paranoid was just being, well paranoid or if the guy really was a psycho killer. Great cliffhanger. There are some run-on sentences, but I like your pacing and the interaction between Cass and Paranoid ranging from irritation to mirth.

Fun read. Keep writing.

Anger

I actually found this kind of epic in a way. It was easy to relate as a teenager with the intoxication.

Now first off, I want to comment on your commas and your dialogue punctuation. With your commas, you tend to have them randomly when there is no need for them. You don't have that bad of a problem with them, but they are still disconcerting. I noticed a couple times when you did this. Like this for one:

I released an exasperated breath, before asking in a tired voice,

You used many commas like this. You place it I believe to add dramatic pause and I know I tend to do this also, but the comma isn't needed at all. You are probably thinking it doesn't really matter that much, but I was shown by a reviewer on here just what pointless commas can do to a story. It breaks up the flow to the reader and interrupts the voice being displayed. It gets awfully distracting and I tend not to be able to get through some stories because of that. Rhythm is surprisingly important when it comes to writing. I would recommend just skimming through your story and looking for these random commas.

The other part I want to comment on is your dialogue punctuation. You have it mostly correct but you have one thing I really noticed. And that was mainly you used periods when it should still be commas. I believe you grasp this concept, but aren't fully applying it yet.

Cassidy dragged her feet against the black pavement, as she slowly made her way back onto the sidewalk with me. “Fine, let’s go.” She mumbled when she reached me.

This is a good example of this. The period should be replaced with a comma due to the fact that you are describing the way Cassidy is speaking the words, in this case mumbling. Unless you meant for it to mean that she spoke those words and then as soon as she reached the MC she mumbled. I think you were trying to state that she was indeed mumbling those words which would seem more characteristic for that moment in time. You did this a couple times in your story where it was hard to discern, but you can easily skim through and review the dialogue punctuation on your own for I'm sure you know it properly. If not, google is awesome.

Now for your actual story, I believe you did a great job with heightening the emotion and the thrill. You did this well through your dwelling on the black truck without it becoming redundant which I found pretty grand. Many people can't accomplish that. I wasn't particularly fond of the ending though.

It seemed she rose to panic really fast. I'm not sure if you were aiming for that due to their intoxication but I think she broke out into the run really quickly. It might just be me. But you continued to add to the panic and the suspense by the inability to run until you got to the end. The end was way to abrupt and almost melodramatic. I don't like the fact she assumed she was going to die before the truck even reached them. I think you should actually make the truck get closer or something, give them real reason to run and then maybe even make the truck pull-up beside them and then end it. It would make the ending much more suspenseful and almost eerie because it is an open ending.

I really actually liked it though and it was refreshing to read.

This was really good! I loved how descriptive and well-written this was! It had excellent imagery! I felt like I was there in the story amongst Cass and Kayley! You were very descriptive with the scenery, whih perfected the imagery! (I like imagery. A lot! )

The story was the perfect length! There was no grammical, punctual, or spelling errors! The first paragraph sucked me in and made me devour it to the end! It was beaitiful. You need to finish it, please!

's not much of a review, but I couldn't find a single main nitpick

Continue it!

-Ariel<3'

I know that I must sound like some crazy person, but I have watched too many horror movies not to be precautious.

Kaylee seems really lucid to be drunk. She is drunk, right? She mentions not feeling good from the alcohol. How much did she drink? Like I said, she seems to be pretty aware of her surroundings, which doesn't quite mesh with the idea of the inhibition-lowering properties of alcohol.

This guy didn’t look overly suspicious, but I still felt like he was guilty of something, I’m just not exactly sure what.

Why does she feel so bad about this guy? Normally, I would blame it on the drinking, but as I mentioned above, she doesn't seem particularly affected by whatever amount of alcohol she drank. Why. is. she. suspicious? "Just because" isn't good enough.

I let her get clean out some of the alcohol

"I let her clean out some..."? The wording's a little funny here, like there's a remnant of another phrasing.

Also, perhaps make it more clear that she's throwing up? For a minute, I honestly thought, what with suspicions about man-in-truck and everything, that she'd been shot in the head. Don't know why my brain jumped to that conclusion, but maybe mentioning vomit or something at some point would keep crazy brains like mine from doing weird things like that?

Erm, is that the end? What was the point of the story? Why was the man suspicious, even before he'd done anything? And because you pointed him out, we knew what was coming. We knew something bad was going to happen with the truck. Why was he targetting them? Why was he pretending to be asleep? Was he waiting for somebody to wander drunkenly down the street so he could run them over? Why? Why. was. he. suspicious?

So yeah, I liked the description through here. It was easy to picture things. But I wasn't into the story. I didn't know why I needed to care about these people. Why was Kaylee paranoid? Why are they going to die in the end? What was the point of the story? Any feeling of danger is forced and I just wasn't sure what to do in the end. This is almost literally a case of "A truck came and ran over everyone. They died. The end."

Is this really the end? Why does it end the way it does? What kind of point were you trying to make with this set-up and execution?

If you have questions or comments, most definitely drop me a PM or a message on my wall. I wanna hear what you have to say to my five bajillion questions I heaped on you. Sorry 'bout that.

~Gryph

First things first, I loved this! Haha I loved the whole horror thing, you don't really get much of that here on dear old YWS, for some reason (or I just never stumble upon them) so I really liked that. There are a few little things that could change, obviously, that's why I'm here ;P Soooooooo, without further ado:

I didn’t want to add the fact that her neighbourhood gave me the creeps, as it wasn’t exactly the nicest part of town. Sure, there weren’t any boarded up houses, and it technically was not dangerous, but it was still not the best area to be wandering around, at one in the morning. I must have looked really suspicious, as every three seconds I would whip my head around to check behind me.

Okay, so the two pink sentences first. As you can see, they both have the same exact sentence structure, and even the same connecting word, "as". You should either switch one of the sentences around (Ex. "I would whip my head around to check behind me, probably appearing very suspicious") or, you could change the connecting word (for, because, etc.) just to get some variety in there, and not seem repetitive.

As for the purple, the comma between "around" and "at" is unnecessary and should be taken out.

The quiet came to an end when I noticed something unsettling. We were passing an older-looking black truck, and of course I took a quick peek inside, when I noticed that there was actually someone sitting in the driver’s seat. With the low lighting and my tired eyes, it was hard to make out what exactly he was doing.

Okay, so here, it says that because of the darkness, and being tired/buzzed, she can't see any details about the man, so then how come a few paragraphs later, a completely drunken girl knows what he's doing? Shouldn't the drunken girl be even LESS aware of what was going on? Also, after she mentions that he's "sleeping", Kailee then tells us a detailed description of the driver. Did the lighting change? Did she become less tired? Because suddenly, she can see him perfectly. You should probably have just said that he was under a street light and described him when she first saw him.

Also, a comment on the drunken girl. She seems very.... stutter-y. I don't think she'd be stuttering that much, but more... slurring her speech. Although, I've never actually heard a real drunk person before, but I imagine that they'd be slurring more than stuttering.

“Cass, the truck… the truck is back.” I squeaked in horror.

"Back"? The truck never left, since the driver was "sleeping". I think that's the wrong word, here, in this situation... Maybe you should change it to "Cass, the truck... the truck is coming closer!" or something like that.

Also, for a drunk/buzzed Kailee, she seems very aware and focused and definitely NOT like she just came from a party with alcohol. Also, the setting is a bit... iffy. I mean, they're in a neighborhood, with houses and people. If they screamed, wouldn't someone hear them, turn on a light, and look out the window, a tad miffed about someone waking them up at one in the morning? I mean, if it were me, I'd probably even open the window and scream "SHUT THE HELL UP!" but then again, I am grumpy once woken ;P

Again, I really liked this! And I hope I can read more of your works!

The title intrigued me... I mean, what could that possibly mean?? So, here I am to review your work and satisfy my curiosity;

or a seventeen year old, she was doing quite a good job of resembling a seven year old.

Haha, love it!

I don't really have any more line-specific comments because I was just so caught up in your writing. You are a phenomenal writer, each of your words just fit so perfectly I was thoroughly enjoying reading this. I love the tone as well because it was so realistic. The story was gripping and I just wanted to keep reading, I thought the whole thing was done perfectly. It was a little anti-climatic when they just got away, though because I was expecting him to pop out in the end (maybe I watch too many scary movies...) that being said I still think the ending was good for the story you wanted to tell and as a 17 year old girl I was severely creeped out. Sorry I can't give anymore critiques but it was great!

Oh, and about the title. I'm not really sure how it connected but I suck at making up titles, too so I can't actually be of much help.

Right from the outset you can feel that the story is relational to the majority of us teenagers - dodgy friend, late night, quiet street and I don't know if you started this story based on personal experience, but it definitely feels that way, meaning; I think like it.
The interaction of characters with each other and their surroundings feels rewarding as you scroll down the lines and the conversation feels realistic and believable.
timing is good also. The breaks arnt too long and they arnt too short

The difference in characters and their relationship between them is definitely recognisable which is excellent.
(basically, you can tell the difference between them if you had not named or identified characters).

The tension build up is rather good, perhaps adding more environmental factors (or lack thereof) would increase the tension because so far you have the important ones of sight, touch and hearing between the main character their general environmental surroundings, so try to add smell .

Cannot comment on punctuation and spelling as my own is not too great.

Summary: Good build up
Excellent interaction between characters and environments
Easy to read
Universal and believable content

Otherwise, Keep on with the good work

Hi! I'm Nike from the TARDIS team here to review!

“I’m dancing in the street. I’m d-d-dancing.” My intoxicated friend sang as she twirled like a five year old, in the faintly lit road.

I released an exasperated breath (removed comma) before asking in a tired voice, “Cass, how much farther is your house?”

She stopped dancing as she turned to face me. It was hard to make out her face in the dim streetlights, but it looked as if she was pouting. For a seventeen year old, she was doing quite a good job of resembling a seven year old. If I didn’t feel so awful from the alcohol, I would have laughed, but I wasn’t really in the laughing mood. I just really wanted to get off of these creepy and unfamiliar streets and go to sleep. Not to mention that I was dreading how I would most likely feel tomorrow morning when I woke up. Yeah… I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with a drunken Cassidy.

“Buzz kill. Why c-can’t yeah j-just have some… some fun for once, Kaylee?” She stumbled across her words like a toddler first learning to talk.

I ran a hand through my long, brown hair. I tried to refrain from lashing out at my close friend, as I muttered, “I did have some fun. You know, at the party we just went to? Now the party is over, and it’s time to go home. So, how about a little less dancing, and a lot more walking.”

I didn’t want to add the fact that her neighbourhood gave me the creeps, as it wasn’t exactly the nicest part of town. Sure, there weren’t any boarded up houses, and it technically was not dangerous, but it was still not the best area to be wandering around, at one in the morning. I must have looked really suspicious, as every three seconds I would whip my head around to check behind me. I also made sure to peer into every car window that I passed, just to make sure no one was inside. I know that I must sound like some crazy person, but I have watched too many horror movies not to be precautious.

Cassidy dragged her feet against the black pavement, as she slowly made her way back onto the sidewalk with me. “Fine, let’s go.” She mumbled when she reached me.

I sent her an apologetic smile, before inspecting the interior of the small car parked on the road beside us. Cassidy scrunched up her pale face at me. I simply shrugged my shoulders and tried my best to sound nonchalant as I told her, “What? I’m just making sure no one is inside. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Humour sparkled in her morning-sky blue eyes. She looked as if she was about to say something, but she just shook her head at me.

We walked in silence for the next few house lengths, listening to nothing but the eerie silence of a sleeping street, mixed in with the steady thud of our feet brushing against the sidewalk. I continued to check the cars that we passed, along with my erratic area inspections. It was unusual for Cassidy to be this quiet for so long, so I suspect that her energy rush was finally starting to wear off. Thank goodness.

The quiet came to an end when I noticed something unsettling. We were passing an older-looking black truck, and of course I took a quick peek inside, when I noticed that there was actually someone sitting in the driver’s seat. With the low lighting and my tired eyes, it was hard to make out what exactly he was doing.

I lightly hit Cassidy’s arm. “There is a guy in that truck over there.” I whispered anxiously. I could feel my stomach twisting unnervingly.

She turned her head around to face the truck. I watch her as she squinted her eyes to get a better look. “I think he’s sleeping.” She replied calmly.

“Sleeping?” I took another look at the driver, and realized that she was right. He was sleeping. His chair was reclined slightly and his head hung loosely towards his window. He also had a baseball cap tilted down, covering the top half of his face. “Why would he be sleeping?” I asked in a hushed tone.

My friend shrugged her shoulders as she continued walking. “I dunno. Maybe he was driving, an-and got tired, so he pulled…pulled over to sleep.”

I guess that made sense, but why would he pull over here? It wasn’t near any major streets or highways. Even if it was, you sure wouldn’t catch me taking a nap on this road.

My turtle-slow pace had stopped completely, as I took another look at the black pick-up truck. I supposed Cassidy could be right, but I still had a bad feeling about him. The kind you get when you know that you forgot something important, but you just can’t figure out what. This guy didn’t look overly suspicious, but I still felt like he was guilty of something, I’m just not exactly sure what.

“You coming?” Cassidy’s voice made me jump.

I spun around to see her standing a few metres away with her hands on her hips. “Um, yeah.” I replied shakily.

As I hurried towards her, I could see a smile on her flawless face. She raised her blonde eyebrows and said with a laugh, “Whoa, someone’s par-a-noid.”

I shifted uncomfortably and dropped my brown eyes from her blue ones. I looked back up when I heard her laughing. “What?”

“Can-yeah, can-yeah imagine if… if you drank as much as me.” She paused as her eyes bulged out of her head. “You would have the cops here already. Oh Kaylee, Kaylee.” She concluded with more bubbling laughter.

I glared defensively back at her. “Would not.” I grumbled as I brushed past her. “Let’s just get home.”

Cassidy followed behind me, as she teased, “Okie-dokie, little Miss Paranoid.”

I didn’t bother humouring her with a response, but rather quickened my pace. I still didn’t trust that guy, and apparently my drunken friend thought that this was a big joke. Lovely.

I heard Cassidy run up beside me. She placed a warm hand on my shoulder as she said, “Slow down.” My usually polite friend then burped loudly, which only caused her to start laughing again. Her laughing ceased and her dopey smile was washed clean from her face, as she sucked in air. “Oh.”

“Oh?”

She didn’t say anything, as she stared blankly past me.

“Oh? What does, ‘oh’, mean?” I asked again, with tension clear in my voice this time.

She wrapped her arms around her stomach, before spinning around and flinging her head forward. I heard a wet splat, as something hit the pavement. I didn’t have to look to know what it was. I wanted to tell her how gross that was, but instead I just held her blonde locks as I let her get clean out some of the alcohol. It definitely was not the highlight of my night, and she picked the absolute worst time, but I know she would have done the same for me.

As I was standing with her, I could see car headlights driving up the road towards us. I watched uneasily as the lights came closer and brighter. The closer the car came, the more blinding the lights were. It wasn’t until it drove under a set of streetlights that I was able to get a good look at the car. It turns out that it wasn’t actually a car, but rather a truck. A beaten-up black pick-up truck. The exact same truck that not even five minutes ago contained the “sleeping” driver. I was instantaneously struck frozen with fear. One single thought floated through my numb brain, and that was to run. Oh crap.

“Cass, the truck… the truck is back.” I squeaked in horror.

She slowly stood up straight and turned to face me. “Huh?”

I gulped loudly. “Look.” I nodded my head in the direction of the approaching vehicle.

“How do you know it’s…it’s the same one?”

Instead of wasting time trying to convince her, I quickly grabbed a hold of her hand and broke into a run. I would have been able to run a lot faster, but Cassidy’s wobbly legs were slowing me down. I could hear my heart thumping loudly in my ears, as it raced at a frightening speed. I could hear Cassidy complaining, but I couldn’t focus on that. I needed to get us away from that truck, and fast. I risked tripping by taking a quick glance back, and when I did, I saw that the truck was steadily behind us. The unsettling part wasn’t that the truck was closely behind us, but rather the fact that it was still behind us. We may have been running, but at the pace we were going, it should have easily passed us. Clearly passing us was not the driver’s objective.

Through panting breaths I urgently asked, “How… how far is… your house? Next… street, right?”

She couldn’t even verbalize a response, so she just nodded her head.

I could feel my own exhaustion catching up with me, causing our pace to slow. My entire body felt incredibly heavy, and I had to force my weighted legs to keep pushing forward. The truck was close enough now that I could hear the engine. I didn’t bother looking exactly where it was, but if I had to guess, I would say directly beside us. The truck’s headlights lit up the empty street before us, which was a devastating reminder that if anything were to happen to us, there would be no witnesses. The possibility of dying tonight let loose a waterfall of tears. They caused my vision to blur, making it difficult to see where we were running. I tried blinking them away and wiping at them with my free hand, but more just kept coming. I was so overcome with stress and fear that I felt like I was going to explode any second. Everything was happening too fast. I needed to stop, breathe, and think, but there was no time. We were going to die and there was nothing I could do about it.

“Hey, do you girls need a ride somewhere? You seem like you’re in a hurry. Relax and hop in.” Hearing the driver’s deep and confident voice sent a chill down my spine.

The fear his voice filled me with, gave me the burst of adrenaline and energy that I needed to keep running. I could even feel Cassidy picking up pace.

“Oh, come on now. Don’t pretend that you can’t hear me. You both look really tired, so just let me help you. Don’t worry, I won’t bite.” Arrogance clung to each of his words.

I thought about calling out for help, but considering it was almost one in the morning, I didn’t think anyone would hear us. Screaming would only cause us to get tired faster, and I was running low on fuel as it was. I knew that Cassidy’s house was close, which made running straight there the most effective strategy. The only small crease in my plan, was the fact that he would see where she lived. He could very well just break in. I didn’t know who this guy was, or what he was capable of. We needed to find a way to lose him.

“Is… there some… other way to… your house? We have… to lose him.” I panted.

Cassidy bobbed her blond head. “Follow…me.”

We continued running as fast as our weak and tired legs would carry us. All the while, the black truck kept perfect pace with us. When we reached the end of the street, we hung a right. Instead of continuing down the sidewalk, we slipped in the blanketing blackness of someone’s backyard. I wasn’t too sure where Cassidy was taking us, but I trusted her.

We continued running through the next house’s backyard, and then the next. Finally, we were somewhere that I recognized. We were in Cassidy’s backyard. Once we reached her back patio, we had a moment to breathe as she fought to dig her key out of her purse. She triumphantly pulled it out and unlocked the door. When the door swung open, I felt an overwhelming feeling of relief. I knew we weren’t entirely safe, but I still felt safer.

Before collapsing, and taking the break we desperately needed, we scurried through her house to check all of the doors and windows. We made sure everything was locked and secured. I was happy to find that they were. Finally we could relax. Well, Cassidy could at least.

The moment we got to her bedroom she plummeted down on her bed. I went directly to her window, which faced the road. I took a deep breath in before peeking through the blinds. What I saw startled me; I didn’t even believe it when I first looked out. The street was completely deserted. There was not one single car driving down the road. More specifically, the back truck was not driving down the road. I stood there watching for a good five minutes, expecting for him to drive back down in search of us. He never did. He was gone and we were perfectly fine. We were okay. Another flood of tears streamed down my flushed cheeks. These were a different batch of tears. These were tears of relief and rejoice. There was a very good chance that I could have been lying unconscious in that creepy guy’s truck right now, but instead I was safe in Cassidy’s bedroom. I was alive. We were alive. The only reason why I couldn’t fall asleep that night, even with the draining alcohol, was the fact that I knew he was still out there. He was out there, waiting to pry on some other unsuspecting girls, along with the other millions of creeps in the world. I don’t think I will be able to have a peaceful sleep for a long time knowing that. I don’t think I will ever feel entirely safe in this town again because he is still out there…waiting.

There were really no edits to be made. I thought this was brilliantly written and perfectly paced. I felt what the MC felt. Overall, I really like this piece and the title is perfect for the story!

Keep Writing!

Nike

Hi there!!
Firstly, I think you should keep the title. I don't know about everyone else, but it hooked me in. It was like, 'Huh? What's this about?'

“I’m dancing in the street. I’m d-d-dancing,"my intoxicated friend sang as she twirled like a five year old in the faintly lit road.

I released an exasperated breath, before asking in a tired voice, “Cass, how much farther is your house?”

I didn't like that..it doesn't sound good; doesn't flow to me.

“Buzz kill. Why c-can’t yeah yuh j-just have some… some fun for once, Kaylee?”

I think that's how it's spelled. Or 'ya'.

She stumbled across her words like a toddler first learning to talk.

I think, since this is sort of a dialogue tag, you should put it before the line of dialogue.

I ran a hand through my long, brown hair. I tried to refrain from lashing out at my close friend, as I muttered, “I did have some fun. You know, at the party we just went to? Now the party is over, and it’s time to go home. So, how about a little less dancing, and a lot more walking.”
I didn’t want to add the fact that her neighbourhood gave me the creeps, as it wasn’t exactly the nicest part of town. Sure, there weren’t any boarded up houses, and it technically was not dangerous, but it was still not the best area to be wandering around, at one in the morning. I must have looked really suspicious, as every three seconds I would whip my head around to check behind me. I also made sure to peer into every car window that I passed, just to make sure no one was inside. I know that I must sound like some crazy person, but I have watched too many horror movies not to be precautious.

Too many 'I's. I'm sorry, if I rewrite this for you, I'll just end up making it suck more So I suggest joining up some of the sentences.

Cassidy dragged her feet against the black pavement, as she slowly made her way back onto the sidewalk with me.

Remove the comma.

“Fine, let’s go,” she mumbled when she reached me.

“There is a guy in that truck over there.” I whispered anxiously.

I think 'there is' should be 'there's'. It sounds more realistic Also, eliminate 'ly' words as much as possible. Show that she was anxious.

“I think he’s sleeping,” she replied calmly.

Also, in this part I thought Cassidy seemed rather un-drunk. I mean, in the beginning, she's dancing around and acting like a kid, but when she's talking about the truck driver, she seems normal again. Maybe you could have her sing loudly or tap the guy's window or something, y'know? Make her act drunk and the truck driver would wake up.

but instead I just held her blonde locks as I let her get clean out some of the alcohol.

A beaten-up black pick-up truck. The exact same truck that not even five minutes ago contained the “sleeping” driver.

We know what the truck looks like. Cut out that sentence, and it'll have more impact on the reader; the reader will be like 'Oh shyt!'

Instead of wasting time trying to convince her, I quickly grabbed a hold of her hand and broke into a run.

I was so overcome with stress and fear that I felt like I was going to explode any second.

This is a telling sentence. You're telling the reader what she's feeling, instead of showing.

When we reached the end of the street, we hung a right.

Huh? What does that mean?

More specifically, the black truck was not driving down the road.

I noticed you have a problem with the dialogue. As in, the punctuation.

For example:

"Give me a bite." Said Mary.

That's wrong (I learnt this on YWS). Dialogue should be written like this:

"Give me a bite," said Mary.

I noticed you kept making that mistake, so I didn't correct all of them. Hope you get me.

Uh-huh..so, the dialogue was nice. I liked the dialogue, it was realistic. The description was great too, you could really see what was going on in your mind. But I think the action part (when they're running from the guy in the truck) could be made a lot better if you shortened the sentences. You know, short abrupt sentences. Get the heartrate of the reader up. Make the reader sweat. Eliminate any trace of 'telling' and just show show show. Don't tell us the character is frightened, show her sweating and her eyes widening. Get me? And this has potential, but I agree with GryphonFledgling, what was the point you were trying to make? As in...what's the theme, what's the meaning of this?

Sorry, I hope I wasn't too harsh.
Keep writing!!