Heaven

Mommy went to heaven
Yesterday
In room 342.
I watched her limp body
Struggling
As it tried to take in
Every molecule of
Oxygen it
Could,
But it wouldn’t let itself.
Her eyes were
Closed
But she wasn’t
Sleeping.
Her arms rested
Across her frail
Chest
As it heaved up and
Down.
Daddy was in the corner
Crying.
I didn’t know
Why.
Wasn’t heaven
Good?
Didn’t he want her to go
There?
Mommy’s mouth whispered the
Words,
It is time.
Mommy opened her
eyes
and looked at me and said
I love
You.
Her eyes
Closed
And her mouth
Opened
as she let out her last breath.
I saw her soul
Rise out of her tiny body.
It swirled above her
And travelled around the
Room.
It shone a golden yellow as it
Filled
Every crack and crevice there
Was.
It shone bright and illuminated the
Whole room.
In the car ride home
I told daddy.
Daddy said it wasn’t true.
He yelled at me as he was crying.
He didn’t see the other
Car.
But I did.
I told him to stop.
He didn’t listen.
I started crying.
I cried for
Mommy.
And I cried for
Daddy.
Why wouldn’t he listen?
He started to tell me to be
Quiet.
That’s when it went black.
Mommy went to heaven
Yesterday
In room 342.
Daddy didn’t
Listen.
Now I can’t
see.

Wow, this is a tragic, tragic tragedy. Holy damn. That's all I really have to say. You don't need to edit this in my opinion. The simplicity of words fits well with the narrator being a young girl.

Well done.

I agree with the post above. I like the voice it has, pretty unique. I think it is just fine for a little girl telling the story.

Very nice

Gosh, this is sooo, sooo sad and tragic and heartwrenching! The simplicity of it wasn't a bad thing in this case, if it had been a child who was thinking you can write with more imagery and more complex words but as this is a story told from a young persons view I like that it's simple. The one thing I didn't like was how you kept jumping from line to line when it would look better, sound better and flow better if you kept longer, more organized lines and a few stanzas

Other than that, good work! 4/5 icky sticky spiders for this!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Yay! You're back to posting poetry!

Nothing to say. This was brilliant. Loved it. Tragic. Loved it. Keep writing! I love reading your poetry! : )

Hi! This poem was really sad, but it was done well. I like the way you kept it simple because it was a little kid who was telling the story. I also like the way that you accentuated the poetry with the line breaks. It felt broken and deconstructed in a good way.

Rise out of her tiny body.
It swirled above her
And travelled around the
Room.
It shone a golden yellow as it
Filled
Every crack and crevice there
Was.

Although I like the rest of the poem as well, this is the part that did the best job of painting a picture in my mind. It had enough detail to give me a clear idea of what was happening in Room 347, but you still kept it simple enough to mesh with the fact that the person telling your story was a child.

Thumbs up from me! Great work!

Keep writing!!!

Wow, you did a really good job on this O_O I really liked it. My favorite part was the beginning:

Mommy went to heaven
Yesterday
In room 342.
I watched her limp body
Struggling
As it tried to take in
Every molecule of
Oxygen it
Could,
But it wouldn’t let itself.
Her eyes were
Closed
But she wasn’t
Sleeping.
Her arms rested
Across her frail
Chest
As it heaved up and
Down.
Daddy was in the corner
Crying.
I didn’t know
Why.
Wasn’t heaven
Good?
Didn’t he want her to go
There?
Mommy’s mouth whispered the
Words,
It is time.
Mommy opened her
eyes
and looked at me and said
I love
You.
Her eyes
Closed
And her mouth
Opened
as she let out her last breath.

I thought the poem could've even ended here. x)

I saw her soul
Rise out of her tiny body.
It swirled above her
And travelled traveled around the
Room.
It shone a golden yellow as it
Filled
Every crack and crevice there
Was.
It shone bright and illuminated the
Whole room.

This I thought could use better description. Smaller words like 'traveled' could be replaced with more descriptive ones like 'floated' or 'drifted'. Instead of saying 'golden yellow', explain like it was like sunshine, or the color of ... popcorn... or something more creative xD Also, you say 'shone' twice, try not to repeat words. Otherwise, good job with this part!

He didn’t see the other
Car.
But I did.
I told him to stop.
He didn’t listen.
I started crying.
I cried for
Mommy.
And I cried for
Daddy.
Why wouldn’t he listen?
He started to tell me to be
Quiet.
That’s when it went black.
Mommy went to heaven
Yesterday
In room 342.
Daddy didn’t
Listen.
Now I can’t
see.

Here, my jaw had dropped and I was basically thinking 'oh my god, this is terrible'. You really pulled at my heartstrings there! I was not expecting an ending like this. I think it was effective.

Overall, I think this is very well thought out, and I enjoyed reading it very much ^_^ Keep writing, this was a great poem! Better than I could do!

blacksheep

Thank you so much everyone!!! This was the first poem ive written since 5 grade! thank you again!!!

Wow. I am dumbstruck. That was so tragic and beautiful. This nearly made me cry... I loved how you used the perspective of a young child here. The simple, innocent, language and observations made this all the more heart-wrenching. I liked the short sentences and choppy feel to it, because a little kid thinks that way. I have no critic for this. Amazing work, and I hope you write more poetry!

haha thanks sarah