Life of a Mountain-The Consolidation

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It was a huge upheaval in the life of the mountain, he never expected any of this to happen, he was too sure of the life at the river bed, he taken the environment for granted, he did not know that the river bed though very comfortable had a lot of mounting pressure from the water above and the core of the earth below. Many thoughts swam in the mind of the mountain, of all the beauties of the place, the sensational dark beauty of the river bed, the ample supply of food, it all had been a heavenly experience, now it all was being swept away in front of his very eyes, and in fact he was being swept away.

The mountain felt terrible longing for this place, he decided to fight back the massive tsunami, and though he was small his ambitions were not. What could be the weapon he needed, he grabbed at the water with the limbs he had but all he caught was the water, he was feeling disheartened, but then he realized the last thing a creature loses is hope, not even life surpasses hope in longevity, he thought and decided to swim out of the turbulence, after all he had stayed at the river bed for a long time and amassed good knowledge of handling pressure , he also had the things he had been tucking away in his shell, they could act as streamlines against the currents. With great agility he swiveled his way around the turbulence, he had won the first battle for his quest to the place he loved, he was now using his limbs to cut across the water, he was doing a great job he thought, he could see bigger animals being swept away and not being able to do anything due to their weight, but he felt pride in himself, for the first time in his life, he was going by his desires.
He saw a giant turtle passing by, he saw its shell and suddenly felt the pangs of nostalgia grip him, he missed his shell, he felt unprotected, he closed his many eyes to remember for once the shell that had protected him, guided him and was still serving him with the many things it had stored and amalgamated with the mountain's body.

Tears trickled down the mountain's eyes, he felt like a selfish insect, discarding one thing that had been his true companion, but just in this emotional moment, a passing jelly fish had slammed on to him, the mountain in this reverie had lost its guard down, and now his limbs were entwined in its many tentacles, he was being dragged in the current again, away from his place. There was no escape from this, he had surrendered given up lost HOPE.
The jelly fish was now pulling at its tentacles to avoid getting hurt, pulling the mountain in as well. Just then the mountain saw a few blades of grass passing him, they felt familiar, touching them he realized that the currents had brought along a few blades from his first abode, he grabbed on to them and used them to wrap around himself so as to avoid the poison of the jelly beast.

An idea sprang into the mind of the mountain, could this jelly beast is his salvation to a new life, and he started to move further into the jelly beast with his newly found shell.
The strategy worked, the grass protected him from the fish's poison and the fish protected him from the jagged rocks, after a few last jolts and crushing blow the wave crushed on to the shore, the jelly fish was thrown away , the mountain inside cushioned. The mountain now emerged into the new world he had been pushed into.
He was startled to see that it was nothing but the same world he had inhabited before he was blown by the wind, but this was not on the rocky mountains but on the sandy beaches. As the mountain realized he was now safe he felt one feeling he hadn’t felt in a while, he was hungry. So he started nibbling at the grass fast and voraciously.
He felt a certain tingle in his body, as if something had changed, little did he realize that the grass was all soaked in the poison of the jelly fish, by the time mountain realized what he had done, he was at the last blade. He felt certain death impending on him. What had he done, this is what becomes when you do not respect the things that protect you and care for you he thought, he again longed for his shell, but remembering what the last time he remembered his shell had caused him, he shuddered. The mountain felt his body swell and intense pain in himself, he thought signs of death maybe, and he felt a cold wind sweep by and darkness filling his thoughts, Death he thought had arrived. He felt himself being pulled into the abyss as he passed away.
When he opened his eyes, he felt his body being heavy, he imagined was he dead. But he woke up to realize that he had not died, he was larger now and had six strong arms with him. He was bewildered what had happened. He saw the injured jelly fish, he scampered to him hoping to find some answers, and find he did.

The magma had made the water very hot and the poisons in the jelly fish's body had been broken down to their elements and one of them being the elixir of strength that strengthened the poison, the grass being wise had soaked only the elixir. He was grateful to the grass again and decided to keep very safely whatever piece he had left.
The larger mountain was now a predator of this wild, with the other smaller insects like it prey to him, but he decided not to hunt rather be friends with all, but not without some stories.
You see when the mountain first found his strength and arms he became arrogant and one fine evening he was walking by a grove, when a moth asked for the way to the best leaves to feed, the mountain blinded by its power shrugged her request and said 'You lost your way not me, you get out on your own. The moth was hurt, and decided never to approach the mountain again.

One day the mountain was walking by when a passing sparrow told him how hurt the moth had been, the mountain felt guilt, he wanted to say sorry to the moth but he couldn’t as he felt part of his pride still. He contemplated the thought for months, and one day decided to befriend the moth. He went to best leaves and found the moth there. The moth was with a group of moths all eating the leaves. He said he would help them pluck the leaves. The moth was a bit surprised and a bit elated at her victory. So they struck a friendship. The moth and the mountain were very different yet alike, and a thought emerged in the mind of the mountain that the moth could be the one he finally liked. The moth again went into contemplation what he should do, if the moth declined he might lose a pal he dearly wanted, yet the chances of acceptance were high since he was the strong animal in the wild. One fine day with all his courage he told the moth about his intentions. The moth by some strange fly had known the intentions of the mountain. She told the mountain that he was only a pal and that she intended to keep it that way. The mountain was devastated.
He was very disheartened; he hadn’t expected defeat and had forgotten how it felt like to be timid. He was a wanderer now, he stroll in the wild, a vicious animal he had become. In his roams he had found prowlers like him too, he struck a friendship with an equally hurt and angry vixen. In his strolls he also came across a few of the stronger insects he had coexisted earlier. He found strange relaxation in their company. He started to spend most of his time meeting strangers, hearing wild buzzes and remembering his past. But his wound won’t heal. Meanwhile the moth was trying hard to keep her close friend and also battling advances of another moth. The mountain kept the moth close to him but also hated her company.
Finally the moth dealt the most killer blow to the mountain, she eloped with the moth and kept mountain as her confederate and guardian. This infuriated the mountain. He became overwhelmed with hatred. And then he realized what his true potential was, it was the art of convincing other insects that he was harmless and telling what they wanted to hear.
And he started plotting.
It was the darkest phase in the life of the mountain, he was truly evil, and he punished the moth pair with a crushing blow on their wings. The weapon being the mistakes the male moth had made, the mountain accentuated them with his larger strength. The moth pair was broken and the mountain felt relief, but he felt hollow as the envy and the poison of hatred deserted him. He realized what a mistake he had done. He must make amends.

In these moments of self loathing he stumbled upon a precious little butterfly that had just broken her cocoon. He was mesmerized by her beauty and her flight. He used to visit her every day, watched her fly and he used to protect her from all harm, meanwhile the moth was also close to the mountain and the mountain tried to help her cope and he told her about all the misadventures he had. He also wanted to tell the butterfly but he couldn’t tell her as she was very busy exploring the heights but more so he didn’t want to tarnish her beautiful wings with the tar of his past. Little did he know the butterfly waited in eager attention?

The moth knew him best but she was not to be the one, he had decided yet a thread remained, the moth had made him realize his strength and also aided him in finding the butterfly. So on, the encouragements of the moth he decided to move for the butterfly. The butterfly resented at first and mountain thought he had lost again, but then the butterfly spread her wings and showed all the vivid colors she had created for the mountain.
The mountain was very happy for the first time in his life, the butterfly made him fly and the moth grounded his strengths. But the butterfly was a bit weary of the moth as the mountain being a true lover had told her everything of his past except his thought of self loathing. And once in a while the mountain and the butterfly lost their color and lapsed into the darkness of mistrust. Meanwhile the mountain was mastering his strength. Now he was very strong and he had grown royal scales on his body. He had amalgamated all of his past into his scales and there were the strokes of the grass and the moth and butterfly as well as the vixen and the older insects, but he now knew how to treat his life and those who were a part of him.
He had but a last struggle left, to conquer the blackest region of the environment as it was threatening his survival and his life as it was.
The mountain gathered all his strength and marched towards the black lands.
Are you living for the things you are praying for?




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Love it. Keep writing. FIRST POST!!! P.S i didnt read it was too long sorry but i dont really read novels much. but still keep writing. Oh yeah AND GO SHAMROCKS. if your not on my team sorry about that. and im trying to get point for a novel of my own. so thank. im still typing i dont know why though.
go to page.php?id=1242 now please and subcribe




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I thought it was an interesting story. It reminded me of a fairy tale or a story that some one would speak out loud in story telling, which is a good thing if that was what you were going for. It was a bit passive, which works for a folk tale, but not for a more active type of story. Sorry if that sentence wasn't totally clear, but I just can't pin down the words for what I'm trying to say. I did like how it was from the mountain's point of view as well, as that is a very interesting POV to work from.

I'm going to be a bit general in this review, since there were some things that repeated through the story and it's better for you to go through it once more than for me to point out every single instance. First, you seem to have a bit of a problem with run on sentences. A part of that is you list several things and that makes the comma use a bit high. But even with all of the lists, there are still some clauses that could be split off into their own sentences.

It was a huge upheaval in the life of the mountain. He never expected any of this to happen, he was too sure of the life at the river bed. He taken the environment for granted, he did not know that the river bed, though very comfortable, had a lot of mounting pressure from the water above and the core of the earth below.

Like this first sentence. It could easily be split off into three or more sentences, although you don't have to split it up right where I split it. It's your story, so you might know better at where there should be pauses in the sentence. This article might be of some help with you for the sentences that have too much shoved into them. And I'm still learning about how to use semicolons, but you might want to check them out, here's a good article about that. The added commas were because that part is meant to be put off as an aside from the rest of the sentence; something called an appositive. I would suggest that you check out a few more articles in the Knowledge Base about grammar and punctuation. You have a good story; it's just a bit hard to read with all of the commas.

What could be the weapon he needed, he grabbed at the water with the limbs he had but all he caught was the water,

The underlined part doesn't seem to be fully explained in the rest of the sentence. It feels like a fragment and it needs something more added to it in order to connect it to the rest of the story. It also almost seems to be a sentence, but it's still fragmented as a question. I would suggest that you think about what you were trying to say at that moment and see if you can improve it. :)

he was now using his limbs to cut across the water

One thing that I've noticed a couple of times in this story is how unmountain-like your mountain is. Sometimes the mountain seems a bit too human. Like at this sentence: what are his limbs? My view of what the mountain looks like is a bit inconsistent, so I think that you should think of your imagery and look through this story again.

There was no escape from this, he had surrendered given up lost HOPE.

This sentence caught my eye because it was not chock full of commas. The underlined is clearly a list. You might want to think about whether all of that is necessary, as it is a bit repetitive, especially using surrendered and given up at the same time. Even the 'lost hope' is kind of the same. Also, the random capslock is random. :)

The larger mountain was now a predator of this wild, with the other smaller insects like it prey to him, but he decided not to hunt rather be friends with all, but not without some stories.

The sentence makes more sense without the 'it' in it.

You see when the mountain first found his strength and arms he became arrogant and one fine evening he was walking by a grove,

Once again I would like to point out the imagery of your character. It seems almost human like in this sentence, which really clashes against my idea of a mountain. The mountain moving through the water makes sense to me, but once it reaches the beach I would think that, as basically a rock, it would stay where it landed. It's fine changing the characteristic of a mountain, but I think you need to make that clear with more description.

The moth again went into contemplation what he should do, if the moth declined he might lose a pal he dearly wanted,

Did you mean 'moth' or do you mean 'mountain?' Because I would think mountain, but then it's kind of hard to tell with genders and so on...

Finally the moth dealt the most killer blow to the mountain, she eloped with the moth and kept mountain as her confederate and guardian.

I think you mean 'confidante.' :)

Little did he know the butterfly waited in eager attention?

I don't think that this needs to be a question. It seems more of a statement to me.

As I get deeper into the story, I think that you need to kind of take the later half of the story out of the passive voice and use a more active voice on it. I think that the story goes by a bit too fast at the second half of it. At that point, I want to be able to actually see the story and I think that it would be more interesting if you kind of slowed the action down and allowed us to actually get to know the characters.

The ending seemed a bit unfinished to me. The threat and quest to the black lands just kind of came out of nowhere and you didn't really explain why it was threatening him. Plus, there was no resolution to that part of it. Are you planning on continuing this story? Actually, I think that this part is a good ending for it:
but he now knew how to treat his life and those who were a part of him.


All in all, I do think that you need to work on your prose, but I also think that you have a good potential as a story teller. I did like the mountain as a main character and I liked how diverse it was. I liked how its life wasn't perfect, but it rebuilt it. And I also like how it also had a couple of flaws in its personality, yet they didn't feel forced onto the character of the mountain. As for the plot, I think you need a stronger ending to tie all of the parts together, but I do like the glimpse of the mountain's life. I think that with some more work, this will be a good story.

Good luck with your writing and feel free to PM me with any questions.

- Tatra
Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

- Incubus



History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte