The Soft Forge

A serious thing, but a soft thing--
a maxim, a virtue
of time and our thousand laughing, lazing hammer strokes
upon the deepest steel,
which bends to the water of lovers apart,
which bends to the wind of their coming.

Hey there you face.

I like this. There is so much beautiful imagery crammed full into this thing, it's almost hard to read it once through and catch it all. I'm not sure if that is good, or bad. I see images of clocks, time - obviously! but also the creation of a ring (*rolls eyes*) being forged in the fire and heat, and the marks of time being etched on it... can't help but think of WoW.

I think it could use some editing. You do write very good poetry, but this is kind of hanging on loose ends. Mostly with the syntax. It's just... clunky. In some points the sound of the poem feels like a hammer striking metal - wonderful! At other parts, it just sounds jumbled. It makes it hard for me to really follow all the lines and imagery together because I'm trying so hard just to figure out how to read it.

I think if you just cleaned it up, made it into more than one sentence, it would flow a lot better. The imagery would still be beautiful, but not so... heavy? On top of one another? I'm not sure how to explain it properly.

Good luck editing! <3

The poem has nothing whatsoever to do with those things that you mentioned, which leaves me the sad honor of stating that you are a complete literary hack who has more potential as a butcher than an artist. I don't mean a word of that, by the way. I just feel like being especially prickly when /you/ of all people review my work. Now, to business:

I entirely agree. I have some great images here, and syntax was the last thing on my mind. The poem grew from pretty much the first line, which came out of our AIM convo. You know how I write. Poetry is masturbation for me. Sometimes, what comes out is radically pretty, and sometimes its...a clunky mess. But I think this awkward child has potential--so for you, and for art's sake, I will take these considerations to heart and see what happens.

Hii!

So... seperately each of your lines are beautifully written with great imagery - but as a whole I can't seem to find the message. The two last lines seem to hint this is a poem of lovers and their struggles but I didn't get that feeling when I begun reading... I guess what I'm saying is that I atleast (And I'm probably not alone) need some clarification. This is a beautiful poem, but I can't find the emotion in it

Hope I wasn't too vague Anyhows, I like the piece, and where it's going - just don't think it's there yet xD

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hi there, so I've been reading your poems since just recently. And you're pretty much an idol right now.

However, I agree with both Suzanne and Demoness. I think they're reviews should be fused.

Your emotion is hard to tell throughout the poem (although I do get your emotion) mainly because of your sentence structure.
A poem is a poem, but great syntax is also a skill to be learned. Rearrange, punctuate, etc. And as you said in your own comment, this baby has potential.

awesome love it. thank you for writing.

Thank you all, past and future, for your reviews. This poem is the first brand new poem I've posted here, so it's also my first sample of constructive potential on this site. So far, pretty great. How I write, I usually get a thought, a line, and just sort of...let it rush out. The other poems I have posted are a year old or older, and have undergone editing both light and downright collegiate (Paper Cups was part of my undergrad portfolio). Thank you all, again, for all the praise and nitpicking. We'll see what happens next.

Hello Benway,

I thought although this was rather short it was also very detailed and full of interesting language and I read this over and over after reading this the first time. This was incredibly though provoking and it the imagery created by the language was just amazing. This was an interesting concept and although the meaning was hard to understand I still liked this a lot. It reminded me of another poem that was different from this but shared some of the amazing qualities that this was so full of and I loved it. Now on with the critiquing.

First of all I am not totally sure if this whole poem is finished. What you have written is all really amazing but I don't think it is completely finished all together. It just seems like it is heading toward the end and then it just suddenly is cut off and I don't really understand what happened it needs to be extended so that it is completely finished. I think you have kind of just written to your hearts song but it seems unfinished.

The other thing was the length of this. It wasn't that it was a bad length, I usually prefer short poems because they don't seem like the author has tried to force the writing into a long stretched out mass I just think that in this scenario it need to be longer and I think it would have made more sense if you had expanded on this and improved the parts that didn't make sense.

A serious thing, but a soft thing--
a maxim, a virtue
of time and our thousand laughing, lazing hammer strokes

This was easily my favorite part, it felt so fun and happy and carefree and without even describing the scene you managed to set it. An achievement for any writer!

Overall this was really good and I loved the description and the vivid imagery and the powerful language. I'll be looking out for your future literacy works and you know what to do if you want another review, just ask and you shall recieve! Hopefully my review wasn't too offensive or silly to you, i honestly liked this poem. Keep up the excellent writing you have talent.

From DreamingForever

Hi there!

I really like this poem! It makes me imagine about a lot of things, and the words help me imagine it vividly. It's short, but it contains so much detail and emotion! I love it! Although, I'm wondering if the poem is finished. It kind of leaves off at the end, making you wonder... what else is there? I really like this poem, but I'm just wondering if there's an ending to this poem. I really like the form of your poem! It's one stanza, and like I said, it's full of emotion and detail! The poem flows well, and the pattern is easily shown! Awesome job and keep writing!

- gleek456 <3

Hi there!

I really enjoyed reading this poem. It's short, but you did a good job using the right words and putting a lot of meaning into a small space. Good job!

which bends to the water of lovers apart,
which bends to the wind of their coming.

I really like this part. It's good to have repitition in a poem, it helps it flow easier.

Keep writing!