Kill Her Swiftly Chapter 4 - If I was Twice as Nice (part 1)

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Part two will be posted the day after review day.

Chapter Four
Loki
If I was Twice as Nice...
I was late.
Knowing that I had to waste my time with a temperamental fifteen year old (who looked and weighed like a twelve year old, but if you told him he’d chop your head off) made my pure hatred for him burn even stronger.
But I never showed it.
Sirius had told me not to.
I stopped at two walnut doors that I knew far too well. I stood there for a moment, wondering if she would be upset that I was late. I put my hand on the doorknob nonetheless.
Everything was the same in the bedroom. Dark, secluded, and kind of stuffy. Sitting at a black desk was Eira, surrounded by at least ten computer screens. Her mouth was agape, the news cast playing from one of the screens radiating her bright blue eyes. She had let her hair grow long since the first time I met her. Her body structure hadn’t changed one bit. In fact, I could say she was worse than Azrael. I knew she was sixteen now, but she looked nine.
“You’re late.” She stated, not taking her eyes from the screen. I glanced at the dolls and stuffed animals that sat on the shelves implanted on her walls. There had to be more than thousands of them, all staring at me. Most of them were missing ears or arms or legs which Eira had allegedly cut off.
“I apologize.” I said and sat at the edge of her bed.
“We could have gotten a head start. Now we will have to wait until the news cast is over.”
“I apologize.” She glanced at me.
“How is your arm from last night?” I pulled up my sleeve, revealing the bandaged wound I received from one of my target’s body guards.
“I take full responsibility. I shouldn’t have left myself so vulnerable.” I said. She turned back to the screens.
“It is your fault, anyway, so I won’t argue.”
I put my sleeve back down. Because of what I did to the Middletons, Enoch had decided to use me as his personal weapon. I killed anyone who he told me to kill with Sirius’s training. I did everything everyone asked me to do. Sirius tells me to be merciless, I yank out their throats. Enoch tells me to cause a massacre; I create the biggest one in history. It was one thing about me that bothered Eira the most. We have different morals. We were different people.
But somehow the same...
“Azrael has been acting strange.” Eira said. “Stranger than usual.” I looked at one of the screens she was staring at. It was the Manor library, with Azrael sitting in the middle of two towers of books.
“All he does lately is spend his time there. He seems to be collecting some kind of information. Demetrius has also been acting unusual. So has Sirius. They seem to be hiding something. How did Sirius seem this morning?”
“I wouldn’t know. I didn’t see him today.” Eira tapped her lip.
“Sirius would never leave his butler duties. Especially when it has to do with you. Something is going on, Loki.”
“I think Azrael and Demetrius are up to something. Preferably, Demetrius is using Azrael. He always looked at him strange. Maybe Sirius is busy trying to stop them?”
“Stop idolizing him. It could be the other way around.”
“I’m sure that Azrael will never do something good.”
She glared at me. I held them, showing that I wasn’t going to back down.
“I have theories. I predict that Azrael is planning something against you. Sirius doesn’t worry himself with things that don’t involve you.”
“But my name isn’t in any of the books he’s looking up.” Eira looked back at Azrael.
“No one said he was searching you. You’re abnormally invulnerable. Maybe he’s searching up ways to kill you.”
I could already think of five reasons why Azrael would plot something against me.
Reason one.
I wasn’t afraid of him.
“Are you afraid, Loki?” Eira asked, looking at me intently. She always tried to get some kind of emotion out of me. She always failed.
I kept my emotions hidden, just like Sirius told me to.
When you have nothing on your face, people can’t predict your next move.
“Of course not.”
Reason two.
I treated Azrael as a minor, which he obviously detested.
Eira moved up to me on the bed, almost seductively. It would have worked on any other guy but me, if they liked the tiny type.
I had no type.
“They say boys your age only think about girls. Is that true?” I kept myself calm. She was only teasing.
“You should know by now that I am no typical boy.”
Reason three.
He was afraid. He may be dangerous, but I was deadly.
Eira bit my earlobe. I wanted to push her off, but I didn’t. I was beginning to get annoyed. I didn’t like it when people were close to me.
Reason four.
I seemed to have everything he didn’t. Example: people who actually like you.
“He knows I will do anything to protect you, because you are my sister, and performing sexual actions would be a form of incest.” Eira smiled before sliding off of me. I exhaled.
“Go find Sirius and report back to me afterward. You were right about Azrael targeting me. I’ll be careful.” She went back to her screens.
I stood up heading towards the doors, but stopped for a second.
“I would advise you to stop wasting your time. Sirius didn’t have any kind of personality effect on me. No one did. I’ve always been this way, and I would like it if you didn’t try to change me.” I paused. “And work on your seducing techniques. They’re atrocious.”
I left her in the dark room.
Reason five.
He knows he will die first.




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Love it. Keep writing. FIRST POST!!! P.S i didnt read it was too long sorry but i dont really read novels much. but still keep writing. Oh yeah AND GO SHAMROCKS. if your not on my team sorry about that. and im trying to get point for a novel of my own. so thank. im still typing i dont know why though.
go to page.php?id=1242 now please and subcribe




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Allright.....I have been waiting days and days and did I mention days for you to post something and finally you do. Now..I kind of like this chapter but I still think you could have extended it a little bit more. It needs a little bit more of detail and description and I bet this would be more enjoyable to read...not like its not. It just needs some more work. Other than that, good job and keep writing. Can't wait to read the rest.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
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It's still me. Sorry, in case you were getting excited.

I. NITPICKS

Everything was the same in the bedroom.


The same as what?

She had let her hair grow long since the first time I met her.


Wasn't it long anyway?

“You’re late.” She stated,


Confused about dialogue punctuation? This is a very useful article that should clear everything up...

I received from one of my target’s body guards.


I'm not entirely sure, but isn't bodyguard one word?

Preferably, Demetrius is using Azrael.


Preferably? Awfully weird word to use in context...
“Are you afraid, Loki?” Eira asked, looking at me intently.


And just as he gives the reason that he's not afraid of Azrael, she choose that opportune moment to ask if he's afraid... seems awfully convenient. It may be less forced if you switched the order of events around...?

Eira bit my earlobe.


Wow, so first she's being "almost" seductive and now she's biting his ear? That's a bit of a jump...

II. OVERALL

Okay, so, you have a whole lot going on in here. Firstly, we find out what Loki's purpose is- he's killing and things. Which begs the question- do you mean he's, you know, actually Loki? Which leads onto the second thing you're discussing here, you seem to be hinting that he and Azrael aren't exactly human. Are they? Until now, I was just assuming they were plain psychopaths, but now I'm not sure at all- Azrael's looking up ways to kill Loki. Try and clear it up either way. Then, we also know Eira's interested in Loki. Fine! But, I notice that she doesn't even wish him a happy birthday, which definitely seems weird.

There's a whole lot going on here, and you manage it well, but at the same time I can't help but worry that there's too much, after the first couple of chapters that go in a rather linear fashion. Apart from that, I'm excited to meet Sirius, whenever we do!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



It's a pity the dictionary has only one definition of beauty. In my world, there are 7.9 billion types of it- all different and still beautiful.
— anne27