Hide and Seek

Hide and Seek

You left at 10 in momma’s black-heeled boots
That clicked on asphalt like
Beaded jump ropes.
And in pink sparkling denim, I skipped along
Like hopscotch.
1, 2, 3;
One foot, another, both!
And then a jump to scare you—
No, someone’s there:
A grown up man with a cigarette
And something pointed in his pocket.
“You wanna play?”
“Yeah, but you know I can’t—”
You whine
(and I believe it).
“How much?”
He snarls like the boogieman.
You giggle,
Green bits of paper,
And then you’re playing leapfrog
In the alleyway
And I’m watching.
I saw it all.
And long gone is pink denim
and beaded jump rope.
“You wanna play?”

Well written, with good imagery and great creepy effect. Darkly sexy, even--if you're into that sort of thing. As for me, I just enjoyed the grim flirtation of the thing--very evocative. Can't pick out any particular spot I'd change. This is a good, solid piece that probably could be extended in spots for more thorough illustration of what's going on in the plot--but at the same time, the brevity of the poem leaves a lot to the imagination. This, I think, is the poem's "punch"--what is suggested but not stated hangs on in the mind all the longer, and all the more powerfully.

That one gave me chills. That was terribly well written. So well that I almost wish I hadn't read it. You're very talented at writing this dark kind of thing. I like the way it's written from a child's point of view. Very creative. I think I'll take a look at some of the rest of your work...

Veirtas

Hey, you reviewed something I wrote a few days ago I do believe! Thank you, and here to return the favor . Anyway...
When Veritas said "terribly well-written," it couldn't have been said better. I especially love the beginning lines, the imagery and flow just pulling this together very well. Even though there is a lot that is left unexplained or unclarified, I think that makes it all the more compelling. I'm irritated by the fact that I really don't have anything to complain about.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Wow, this is incredibly good writing! You're imagery is so good and I like the dark aura that's hanging over this piece! Geeh, you're really talanted! The playful kind-of way it's written is very cool and yep, I loved it!

5/5 icky, sticky spiders to you and I have no complaints what so ever!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness