That's What I Thought

New poem. Enjoy. Don't be afraid to rip it apart. *tosses to sharks and ducks for cover*

That's What I Thought.

You said you loved me, like the rain in July.
You said it was beautiful, when I drew your name on my heart.
You said it didn't matter, when I decided to lie.
But then you told me the truth and it tore me apart.

Like the calm before a storm, you looked at me and saw nothing of value,
nothing worth the effort to describe. And I stared back at you, saw my whole life.
The one thing that was always true for me. The dream, and the reality.
But it wasn't meant to be. You had told the truth,
and the truth was that you hated me.

Like the raging wind before the tree would fall, was the look in your eyes.
It was cold and it was warmthless, like the chill in the snow.
The way it was when we first met, and you smiled my way.
And if the trees could tell a thousands tales, they'd tell of you and I,
when we met and were standing in the snow, regardless of the cold.

So fast, the months flew by, like summertime at the beach and the eb-and-flow
of the tides, and the pounding of the surf. You smiled then, all the time.
And I knew I was enchanted with your eyes and the way you danced in the summer rains.
With the way you smiled and the way life lit up your eyes. I had wished that moment
would never end and hang suspended in time, but it wasn't meant to be.

You had told me you loved me, for the very first time. It was like the rain in July.
You had told me it was beautiful, for once. When I drew our names in the sand.
You had told me it didn't matter, again. When I cheated and I lied.
And then you had to tell the truth cause you couldn't do it anymore.

And you ripped apart my heart and soul, like you had done to other boys,
a thousand times before. You didn't say it was lie, you didn't make it a curse.
You just thought you were doing it right, like your Mama had done to your Dad.
But you never stopped to think, never once thought about how much it hurts.
And you never, ever had to think about why it made those boys so damn sad.

So, I asked you. "Did you know how much it hurt me? Do you even stop to think about what you did?
Did you ever want to get to know me better? Or were you just looking for some fun?"
And you shook your head, told me no and that that 'wasn't what it was meant to be.'
That made me stop to think, to ask "Was this what you thought it was supposed to be?"
And when you didn't have an answer, I had one for you. You thought you were right, but I knew better.

"Yeah," I said. "That's what I thought." And then I turned and walked away.

This poem is good. I think there is no anything to review.. Keep up!

I read it, and really liked it! Each stanza sets up the next.

Helllooo! Im HarryPotterRocks and Ill be reviewing your poem.
Firstly, in the first line you need to write July with capital J (kind of like I did just now)
Then in the second line you wrote:

You said it was beautiful, when I drew you name in my heart.

Here, I think you meant to write 'your' instead of 'you' before 'name'.
Then, in the second paragraph, first line you wrote:

Like the calm before a storm

Here, Im pretty sure it's "Like the calm before the storm."
After that, in the second line, you should begin the sentence with capital N.
Next where you wrote:

Like the raging wind before the tree would fall, was the look in your eyes.

I think you should write 'that' before 'was' so that its like this:

Like the raging wind before the tree would fall, that was the look in your eyes.

Besides that, I think this is a pretty good poem. It shows how much love is there in the poem and how hurtful it was. Although, no offence, but when I read till the part before this line:

And you ripped apart my heart and soul, like you had done to other boys,

I thought a girl had written this poem.
Sorry I was so nitpicky.
Keep up the good work!!
HarryPotterRocks

Okies, this will one of my first reviews in a long, long time so bear with me.

You said you loved me, like the rain in july.
You said it was beautiful, when I drew your name on my heart.
You said it didn't matter, when I decided to lie.
But then you told me the truth and it tore me apart.

I don't have too much of a problem with this paragraph except from the repetition. You introduce us to the topic pretty nicely and we (the reader) have a clear idea of what we're dealing with. I don't think the poem benefits from you repeating 'you said', I think other words could suffice and maybe add to the imagery which in turn will help the poem. Also some bits are a bit vague like for example 'you said it didn't matter, when I decided to lie': What has the speaker lied about? I think that should be described a bit more because it piqued my curiosity.

The one thing that was always true for me. The dream, and the reality.

huh? I think maybe you should re-word this, maybe. There's just something about it that doesn't ring true for me.

So fast, the months flew by, like summertime at the beach and the eb-and-flow
of the tides, and the pounding of the surf. You smiled then, all the time.
And I knew I was enchanted with your eyes and the way you danced in the summer rains.
With the way you smiled and the way life lit up your eyes. I had wished that moment
would never end and hang suspended in time, but it wasn't meant to be.

The bits in italics are the bits that really stood out in this piece for me. I thought they were great and nicely written, whilst the bold-ed bits are where I felt like you were repeating yourself.

And you ripped apart my heart and soul, like you had done to other boys,
a thousand times before. You didn't say it was lie, you didn't make it a curse.
You just thought you were doing it right, like your Mama had done to your Dad.
But you never stopped to think, never once thought about how much it hurts.
And you never, ever had to think about why it made those boys so damn sad.

I like it. I think you took too long to get to this bit which I think is the best bit of the entire piece.

Okay, so on a whole I think this is in the process of becoming a great poem, the only things that I had problems with would be your imagery -not that you don't have enough of it, it's just that it rolls off the tongue rather awkwardly. Secondly, repetition and the last one would be that by the time we found out the speaker was a guy it was too late, and I'd lost interest - surprising twist though.

Hope this helped,

Anger

Ah, I'm probably going to repeat some things from the previous reviews, so I'm sorry. I'll try my best to make this worth your while.

I reviewed one of your other poems, and it seems you're drawn more towards the longer-line-type poem. For the other one, I'm not so sure how it fit, but I like the choice for this poem. It was elegant, the imagery was beautiful and it was full of emotion. I'd have a lot more to say if my eyes weren't so burned out and my brain hurting from so much reviewing... ugh. Okay, sorry, I'm off-topic.

It confused me a bit, the beginning, because the first stanza had a A-B-A-B rhyme pattern, and then the rest of the poem didn't even seem to try to rhyme. Not rhyming is fine, it's just strange when it switches back and forth. Also, this was a bit more prose-ish. It was like a poem and a story had a baby, and they called it this. Not a bad thing, just saying.

The length of this poem is quite long, but I think as long as your hold the reader's interest, don't repeat things, and keep it unique, it'll be fine.

Thanks for the read,
Dai

You said you loved me, like the rain in July.
You said it was beautiful, when I drew your name on my heart.
You said it didn't matter, when I decided to lie.
But then you told me the truth and it tore me apart.


I love this stanza, it's my favorite in the entire poem


Like the calm before a storm, you looked at me and saw nothing of value,
nothing worth the effort to describe. And I stared back at you, saw my whole life.
The one thing that was always true for me. The dream, and the reality.
But it wasn't meant to be. You had told the truth,
and the truth was that you hated me.


Wow, that is strong, so far- nothing bothers me.


Like the raging wind before the tree would fall, was the look in your eyes.
It was cold and it was warmthless, like the chill in the snow.
The way it was when we first met, and you smiled my way.
And if the trees could tell a thousands tales, they'd tell of you and I,
when we met and were standing in the snow, regardless of the cold.


Cold and warmthless? It's just unnecessary. but aside from that- great.


So fast, the months flew by, like summertime at the beach and the eb-and-flow
of the tides, and the pounding of the surf. You smiled then, all the time.
And I knew I was enchanted with your eyes and the way you danced in the summer rains.
With the way you smiled and the way life lit up your eyes. I had wished that moment
would never end and hang suspended in time, but it wasn't meant to be.


I don't really have any problems here, either


You had told me you loved me, for the very first time. It was like the rain in July.
You had told me it was beautiful, for once. When I drew our names in the sand.
You had told me it didn't matter, again. When I cheated and I lied.
And then you had to tell the truth cause you couldn't do it anymore.


You cheated and lied, that's revealing there's more to the story- Deep.


And you ripped apart my heart and soul, like you had done to other boys,
a thousand times before. You didn't say it was lie, you didn't make it a curse.
You just thought you were doing it right, like your Mama had done to your Dad.
But you never stopped to think, never once thought about how much it hurts.
And you never, ever had to think about why it made those boys so damn sad.


The part about 'mama and dad' was ruining the so far beautiful imagery in my opinion, and it didn't rebalance afterwards- I felt like you lost the entire stanza here


So, I asked you. "Did you know how much it hurt me? Do you even stop to think about what you did?
Did you ever want to get to know me better? Or were you just looking for some fun?"
And you shook your head, told me no and that that 'wasn't what it was meant to be.'
That made me stop to think, to ask "Was this what you thought it was supposed to be?"
And when you didn't have an answer, I had one for you. You thought you were right, but I knew better.


Maybe instead of 'that that'- 'that it' cause it's confusing, and ruining the flow.


"Yeah," I said. "That's what I thought." And then I turned and walked away.

Great ending!



Now, I loved this poem- amazing imagery, spectacular story. I liked the very similar descriptions and images, it gave it a very strong core.
One thing I didn't get though, why was the narrator so blaming, if he's (if I realized properly the narrator is a boy, right?) the one who cheated and lied- he didn't really have the right to blame his partner for ending that relationship, does he?
He just seems a bit narcissistic to me.

But amazing, wonderful poem!
I loved it so much!
SubjectBlue