On the Wind

Another poem. You may have seen it in my NaPo thread, but anyways. Feel free to rip it to shreds. *throws to sharks and hides*

On the wind

Like sand through an hourglass, time is slipping away from me.
It jumps and hops, and skips, and never seems to run smooth anymore.
It fades in and out, grey and yellow, black and gold, white and red.
Up seems to be down, and down seems to be up.
Dizzy and wistful, hopeful and delirious.
Like sand through my fingertips, life is running away on me.
It hops, skips and jumps. Left to right, right to left.
There never seems to be any order anymore.
And I may as well be living in Deja Vu.
Again, time is drifting away from me, like silver petals on the wind.

LOVE IT!!!!!! You're so awesome! I like the theme of time also:

black and gold,

That reminds me of a song that was on the new version of Fame, I love that song.

Anyway I like the poem, it's really good!! Keep writing Scarli!

~~Destiny110

very nice poem you have going here.the choice of words are very creative, the main point is very clear.i liked it and adding colors to it all made it seem more real.nice job!

First of all, I love the title. It's eye-catching. Second, ofcourse, your poem is quite good. The flow is not disturbed once and the message was easily conveyed to me.

ScarlettFire wrote:Like sand through an hourglass, time is slipping away from me.

The very first line grabs the readers attention. That's very important and you did that.

ScarlettFire wrote:Again, time is drifting away from me, like petals on the wind

You ended the poem quite smoothly. Hats off to you for that. Keep it up!

I'm not great at interpreting poems, so I didn't really expect to understand this. All I got was a vague idea... you're talking about time slipping away? How time moves away from you? I thought the words were nice, but some of the more common ones could be replaced to really make this unique. It has potential, but I think it could be a lot more.

The flow is okay, but I'd like to see some more separation. Emphasize some words, really get that poetic feel. It's giving off a bit of prose vibe right now... but I could be the only one feeling that.

It's great though!
Thanks for the read!
-Dai

Like sand through an hourglass, time is slipping away from me.
It jumps and hops, and skips, and never seems to run smooth anymore.
It fades in and out, grey and yellow, black and gold, white and red.
Up seems to be down, and down seems to be up.
Dizzy and wistful, hopeful and delirious.
Like sand through my fingertips, life is running away on me.
It hops, skips and jumps. Left to right, right to left.
There never seems to be any order anymore.
And I may as well be living in Deja Vu.
Again, time is drifting away from me, like petals on the wind

I loved this poem because I share your feeling, time is a ruthless thing, and yet, all we want is more of it.
I didn't really like your metaphor of hoping, skipping and jumping- I feel it doesn't really describes the pass of time properly, nevertheless, it worked, so what do I know?

Once again I must say you're a very talented writer- I'm truly saddened by the fact I first read a poem of yours today, I feel like I missed so much.

I have nothing else to say- as this poem is great as it is, I can't think of anything to improve it.
SubjectBlue

Scarliee! How fair is it that you're like the best SB:er and you write poetry this amazing!?

Anyhows, this was really good! Amazing imagery and symbolism!

Like sand through an hourglass, time is slipping away from me. - This is a really good line to begin with, it's catchy and caught my interst at once!
It jumps and hops, and skips, and never seems to run smooth anymore.
It fades in and out, grey and yellow, black and gold, white and red. I like the originality in this line, I mean many have referred to color in poetry but I like how you write "black and gold" "white and red" instead of "black and white"
Up seems to be down, and down seems to be up.
Dizzy and wistful, hopeful and delirious.
Like sand through my fingertips, life is running away on me. Another great line! And it goes well with the first line, as does the second line tie together the poem with the line below!
It hops, skips and jumps. Left to right, right to left.
There never seems to be any order anymore.
And I may as well be living in Deja Vu.
Again, time is drifting away from me, like petals on the wind.

SO, overall, I didn't find much errors or flaws with this. I think I would've structured it differently - with shorter lines and divide it into stanzas, but the flow was good so your way works too! My one nitpick though is the title, I mean it's a beautiful title but I don't feel like it summons the poem up very well. The main theme in this piece seems to be "Time" and "On the Wind" doesn't really grasp that theme

Anyhows, I loved it aqnd you'll get all 5/5 icky sticky spider!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey ))

I think this poem is awesome!
A very meaningful poem and it does slip away from our hand within a blink of an eye :S

Anyway, the lines I thought that were wondeful!

Like sand through an hourglass, time is slipping away from me.

It fades in and out, grey and yellow, black and gold, white and red.

Up seems to be down, and down seems to be up.
Dizzy and wistful, hopeful and delirious.

And I may as well be living in Deja Vu.

As you see, these lines are incredible! Very very lovely written words and I prefer you've really matched them well :'D

What I thought which slipped of you're hands A BIT:

The second line and fifth line.
It seems so repetitive. >.<

Second Line:

It jumps and hops, and skips, and never seems to run smooth anymore.

Fifth Line:

It hops, skips and jumps. Left to right, right to left.
There never seems to be any order anymore.

Otherwise, It's a job well done!
Keep writing! xDD

Love and Cheers,
Cookie
Or
LM

In the

Hi!

I really liked this, it reminded me of days by phillip larkin (part is in my signature, check it out)

I would seperate it into two stanzas personally, to show a clear distinction.
Then it's life and time seperate, and then the repetition makes the link in the poem.

Where you have colours;

grey and yellow,black and gold, white and red.

I think this would be made more effective if you put periods instead of commas, so it has a more somber(?) effect, as it then makes it seem more realistic almost.

On the colour theme again, the last line with the petals, could you give them a colour? I think it would make the line seem more realistic. (I'm going for realism can you tell?)

I truly liked this poem though, and it had a peaceful tone to it, which makes it really nice to read.
Thanks for this.

PM for anything.

~ReDro

Hi, Scarlett!

I agree with the previous reviewer that this created a sort of peaceful mood. However, I'm not sure if that was your intention, with the hops and skips and jumps... did you mean them to be like staccatos and make the readers feel threatened (for the lack of a better word)? Even with those words in, the overall picture seems to be rather blank, almost.

I'm not sure if I like the capitalisation of "déjà vu". I understand that since you say "in", the capital letters are there to make it more concrete, like an actual place where you can live in. However, with the general assumption that the places we're in are real places and therefore capitalised, I think it might be more interesting if you wrote it like it usually is written, with the lowercase letters.

When a poem is as short as this is, there should be a particularly big emphasis on the rhythm. As of now, it feels quite all over the place, with nothing to hold onto. That makes it sort of dull and uninteresting, even though the poem isn't dull or uninteresting. The rhythm and pace is actually more important than you would think, because it's what holds the words together and creates the feeling of entity.

Again, time is drifting away from me, like petals on the wind.

I'm glad you didn't repeat the verb once in "time is ____ing away from me" -- that gave it more angles to look at it from. Even still, I'm afraid it felt a tiiiny bit redundant, since it appears thrice in such a short poem. However, this was possibly my favourite line, because I think "petals on the wind" sounds so pretty. I can see them.


Why is the time running away from the speaker? What does s/he need to do, why does s/he need time? Is it musings of an old person who is nearing his/her death, and therefore feels like there's no more time? I feel like you should look into this more. I'd be interested in knowing more about the speaker.

I hope this helped, and please let me know if you have any questions!


Demeter
x