I’m here to look at this as asked (and expected, I think) but I’m pretty sure now you already know what I’m going to say about this. There needs to be some stripping back here. You have an excellent take on the narrative and your descriptions are becoming smoother and easier to handle in large amounts. This is mostly due to what seems to be a better understanding of metaphor and the continued exposition of a situation.
I dig what you’re doing here, the progression of the relationship without some of the progression. You’re looking at the narrator’s three separate occasions and connecting them on a base level: Love or the lack there of. And this poem is certainly more about lack than it is about having. I like that we don’t have all the information, which leaves us somewhat in the dark. This works for the progressive poem, the opening of the whole.
As an example of the too many words, however, is the following line: "I always smirked at the patch of skin between your two faces, the middle ground where I could dig a nail straight through to the ambiguous gray ideas inside."
To many words telling us such a short thing. Most importantly, for me, are the final words. I’d way prefer if it said “ambiguous grey.” And left it at that, we can see the inside, we can see the ideas, they’re things we can gather on our own. Digging the nail in is a very tactile image, I like it a lot. I think you could probably shorten the line above as well, but that’s mostly preference of the personal. “I smirked at the patch of skin between your faces” I’m not sure if it will work for you, but I don’t think I need to know the middle ground. It’s assumed because it’s between. But I myself am gravitating to the frustratingly ambiguous so others may of course disagree.
The only thing I think you need here is some cutting back in the lines, trimming the extras. Otherwise it’s a sweet, strong poem with an excellent voice and a good level of content. You should be pleased with it.
- Heartsnthings.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.
overall pretty decent. I think it's a little cumbersome in a lot of places, like Penguin said above, could use some cutting back, some condensation. Try to eliminate passive voice (and uneeded ohs). If it were me writing it, I would have done it in third person and in present tense, I think that would have made it stronger, more immediate, and more accessible. There are some places where I feel locked out of the narrative. That said there is some very strong stuff in here, so I know you know what you're doing, it just needs a stronger shelf to sit on, great things are all piled in the corner in disarray. I think some words are modified that are strong enough by themselves. Spring warmth could be just spring. I like that better. Mad crash could just be crash. etc. "patch of skin between faces" great idea there. Want more of it almost. Also 'mourning' birds in 'morning' fog. Doesn't work. But nice try. Hope this helped? best
