A Tale of Two Drakes-Chapter 5 (edited)

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1900
Reviews 12
The paranoid side of me swore I had been followed, though not once had I seen the same person twice. The tingling feeling down my back didn't go away even when I entered the lobby of the hotel. A few chairs and a couch were situated around the fireplace and the coffee table hosted a basket of hot cocoa, coffee, and apple cider packets along with an electric kettle and a few mugs. It was the sort of thing I expected to see for a winter evening, not the summer.
The hostess saw my look and explained there was a storm expected to hit this evening, apparently it had been the talk of the news channel all day. It was supposed to be cold, rainy, and very, very windy. \
I checked in with her, wishing I would have kept my room last night as well. The truth in the matter was that I hadn't because I wasn't positive my last clients would pay up, and usually with a job I slept the remainder of the morning on their floor or couch. Obviously, last night that hadn't been an option.
She apologized, said the room I had two nights ago wasn't available but she had another room open. It was bigger and I voiced concern over the price. She gave it to me for the same cost as before, since I had a reservation.
“You should open the balcony door and watch the storm,” she said with a smile.
“Balcony door?” I repeated.
“Yes. It's very cute.” she said, skimming over her computer screen.
I despised large windows in hotel rooms, to speak nothing of doors. I liked to have only one door to watch, and I learned fast not to let that door lead directly outside.
“Do you have any others?” I asked, “Without the balcony?”
“Sorry, the storm has us full except for that one room.”
“I see,” I said and accepted the key, dismissing the idea of going hotel to hotel looking for one that met my criteria. Not only would it take a long time, but I had a feeling I was going to walk into trouble if I decided to go bus hopping at night. Before heading upstairs, I snatched up a few packets of goodies for my pack and poured myself a cup of hot water for the chicken bullion I was going to have for dinner. It was hardly the most appealing dinner, but I wasn't too hungry after all that lunch and I felt like I needed the salt.
The room was up on the fifth floor, midway down the hall and facing west. The room was pure luxury, a king suite with a jetted tub separate from the shower and cabinets in the kitchenette, much beyond what I had ever been willing to afford. The walls had abstract paintings on them which reminded me of what had happened when Mother gave me my first paper and watercolor paints, but at least the colors matched the grays and blues in the room well. One of paintings gave me goosebumps, the one over the bed. I was going to ignore it, but a breeze came through the window and rattled it. One creepy thing I was willing to forget, but two of them? I took off my shoes and climbed on the bed, removing the painting and checking the wall for any spells. There was just a nail and a place on the bottom where the painting frame had worn it down.
I flipped the painting over and discovered symbols written on the canvas.
I couldn't read them, the letters seemed to blur and shift before my eyes, not letting me focus clearly. I frowned. Any caster who went through the effort to hide his work was not up to something good. In retrospect, my reserved room suddenly being switched out for this one reeked of magic. I sighed, thinking how I had just begun to enjoy my good fortune.
I reached into my bag and grabbed a marker, the fattest one I had. I scribbled randomly, large circles and zigzags and 'x's until the letters stopped moving and my goosebumps faded. Sadly, the letters were too maimed for me to read now, but it looked like it might have been a sleeping spell. While I reasoned that the spell was inert in its present state, I couldn't stand the thought of resting—much less sleeping—while it was still here. I picked it up and opened the balcony door.
To my relief, the balcony floor had only slim gaps in it, and the railing was strong and fairly tall, coming up to my chest. I saw a dumpster hidden amongst some bushes near the pool, but it was too far away for me to toss the painting in. I wasn't going to walk through the dark to get to the dumpster, either. I decided I would just burn the painting, but something else caught my eye. I thought I could see three people and a gryphon past the bushes, but for the trick of the light it could well be three people and a dog; or one person, a dog, and two trees; or any combination of dogs, trees, and people. I was tired, and all this commotion didn't help my fatigue go away.
I sat in a chair, hung the painting on the railing, and took my trusty lighter to it. I watched the flames curl, consuming the ink and spells in an amusing display of colors. If the hotel wanted to charge me for it, fine. It was a small price to pay for whoever had gone through this work to set me up.
Once I finished burning the painting, I searched the room up and down and sideways for any remaining spells. There was one on a slip of paper behind the bathroom mirror, another written in soap in the tub, and one above the balcony door. I burned the paper, scrubbed the tub, and scratched out the one above the door using a nail. The one behind the mirror was a disguise spell, the one on the tub was another relaxing spell, and the one over the door was an entrance spell. For good measure, I drew a line on the inside and outside of the doors and windows using the holy mud—its level was now frighteningly low—hung up the garlic using nails that had held up the paintings, and lined everything with a heaping of salt. I also checked under the bed and stripped the sheets, looking for more paper. I didn't find any. Then I searched the cushions of the loveseat, tipped it over, and scoured the fabric. I didn't find any more, not even on the curtains.
My lack of discovery didn't reassure me, and I would have just left if I didn't have a hunch that there was something in the growing shadows waiting for me to make that very decision.
I contemplated keeping the windows opened or closed, then decided I liked the breeze. It was comforting. Something scurried in the kitchenette, and I squinted, at first assuming a mouse had come and went. This was hardly the sort of place mice would like, though, without food sitting around for them to nibble on. It was exactly the habitat for a brownie. I rubbed my face, scolding myself for seeing trouble every place I looked.
I had to reheat my water for my broth, and discovered another gift on the microwave, a short letter on thick paper. I wondered how I'd missed it before. It didn't feel exactly the same in my fingers, so I brought out the letter I'd received this morning to compare it with. The new paper was brighter and had a smoother texture, though the letters seemed to be the same handwriting.

Rest assured all is well.
Barnes


Something didn't sit right with the wording. I couldn't see Barnes issuing a letter to calm anyone—he struck me as the sort to tell a hyperventilating woman to stop her silliness before she fainted. And, signed “Barnes”? No title? It was hardly like we were friends.
I took the letters and held them side by side up to the mirror, using one of Father's old tricks. The letter from this morning looked the same—just mirrored—but the letter from the microwave was now an entirely different letter. The writing was heavily slanted, pointed, and with flourishes like I would expect to see on iron furniture, not on paper.
There were more words visible in the mirror than to the naked eye, but I couldn't read it in reverse. It occurred to me the disguise spell was supposed to shield me from seeing the true handwriting should I think to test it on the mirror. Whoever put these spells in place must be a worker in the hotel...or, I considered, it could all be put in place by a bogart. They were crafty things, most suited for setting traps and doing general dirty work. Usually, they weren't this crafty, but if someone had caught it as an infant and trained it, all this would be well within its capacity.
I searched the suite for the bogart, and found only trails and traces, the thing itself completely gone. At least by following its tracks I confirmed that the spell I held was the last spell in the room. I set about destroying it.
I tried to burn it, but the paper refused to light. Next I tried to scrub it with soap and water, but that did little more than make the ink bleed a little. I put it in the microwave and slammed the door, punching in three minutes and hitting “Start”.
For the first thirty seconds, the only thing that happened was the tray turned and the water formed soap bubbles. Then, a single spark flew out to the wall of the microwave. Then another, and another, then the soap with traces of ink started bursting like popcorn, each bubble making louder and louder pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow noises until the neighbor above me stomped on his floor and yelled at me to be quiet. I shrunk away from the microwave as black smoke billowed from the seal around the door, puffing into the room, much too much smoke even for an entire burning book, filling the entry way with bilious mushroom clouds. Beneath noise of the explosions in the microwave, I heard it ding and shut off.
The cloud kept growing, encroaching on the bedroom now, a wall of shifting darkness racing toward me. I cowered next to the window and glanced outside.
Three figures stood in the courtyard next to the pool, cloaked and forming a circle, black mists rising around them, highlighted by the lights from the under the pool's water washing over them in glistening waves. I sensed—I felt—that another waited out my main door, should I try to dart through the cloud to escape.
I called for Railey.
Only the breeze from the window kept the darkness at bay, the lights behind the cloud having been snuffed out with the pop of a burnt-out light bulb. The cloud covered my bed, swept underneath it, reached with a misty claw for my leg. I shied away, pinned against the wall, curled into as tight of a ball as I could. The thing reached again, but the wind whistled through the screens and pushed the smoke back. A light sprinkle of rain came with it, pattering on my ears and hair.
I called for Railey again.
The smoke creature reached for me again, this time its hand was more solid and it fought against the wailing wind gusting through the room, pelting the smoke creature with salt. It withdrew past the bed, then stayed still, out of reach of the brunt force of the wind.
I called for Railey a third time.
The smoke was concentrating now, even more solid, hiding in the darkness, away from the light dumping in through the windows, descending upon me when the wind died down, retreating again when it picked up. The thing was more clear now: vaguely man-shaped with twig-like antlers, the hint of scales, glowing red eyes. It was stronger against the wind now, crawling, stalking over the floor, its shoulders brushing against the bed to guard it against the squall. It bent its reptilian head around the edge of the bed, smiled with its glowing red eyes, and flashed its tongue over its lips.
My hands shook as I reached through my shirt for the compass trinket he had given me. I thought of him, I thought of the King's Ransom, I thought for any place safe.
Nothing happened.
“Trinketsss,” the thing said, “don't work around me.”
It laughed, a hissing, choking noise that sent a shudder through my body.
It stretched out a claw, salty rain drops pelting his arm, burning pits into his scales. He spoke without pain, “Come with me. It will make your trip much more pleasing.”
I reached behind my back and grabbed a clump of salt that I'd dumped on the floor in my haste, flinging it into his eyes with a vicious, “No!”
He flung back, screeching and clawing at his eyes. I snatched my pack and fumbled with the salt, managing to open it and toss a few streams of salt on his back before he could react. He shrieked, writhed in pain, then saw me, snarled and sent one arm my way, his hand stretching to slap me.
I fell hard against the wall.
Breathing hurt, stinging pain stemming from my ribs.
I tried to stall for time.
“What do you want from me?” I asked.
He finished his twisting and contorting, sucking in the pain staunchly. A smile came back to his mouth.
“I want notttthing from you.”
I squirmed over to the windows again.
“Then what do you want?” I whispered.
His eyes shone with fire, he laughed that cold, reptilian laugh.
“I want...you.”
I looked over my shoulder and saw the three wizards reconsidering their strategy. Before I could think to find a way to prop them open, the windows slammed and locked. The wind beat on them, ramming as though trying to break the glass. Panic swept over me. I grabbed a wooden chair, raised it over my head, and was prepared to either shatter the glass or break the chair when searing claws dug into my back. I was lifted suspended in air, held frigid with pain, my wind howling outside the windows, when Railey showed up, little more than a tattered remnant of the ghost she one was.
“Help, get help!” I yelled at her, too paralyzed to even squirm as the black smoke reached out for her, too.
Black clouds slithered up my legs, circled my waist, constricted my searing ribs, then one smoky face formed in front of me, a giant snake, eyes glowing orange as it smiled, opened its mouth wide, fangs dripping drops of smoke, and my world went black.
Last edited by StandStrong on Wed Aug 31, 2011 1:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
Bob: hmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Mr. Eglamore: Okay. Let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house.

Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome.
http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/archive_page.php?comicID=632




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2702
Reviews 867
Concerning structure:

One thing that bothered me was the beginning. Check out this passage:

Spoiler
“I will answer your questions in time,” he said through a scratched throat, “For now, join me. Look.”

At first, I timidly refused, muttering something about the view being fine from where I was. He chuckled and his smooth voice soothed the edge of my hesistance, but I still refused to wriggle a toe away from where I stood. He held out his hand, and I waved him off.

“You can hold on to me if it makes you feel better,” he offered.

I shook my head.

He shrugged, casting his shoulders a little too dramatically, and peering over the edge. “You will just have to miss out on the pegasusi flirting in midair.”

I twitched. They were real? All through childhood my parents had toyed with me, never letting me know for certain if they were a fictitious creation or a genuine creature.

“Oh, looks like they might finish up soon.” he taunted.

I bounded over to the ledge, one hand clenching his forearm, one hand intent on deforming the metal of the railing. I peered over, my weight firmly over my heels. I saw decks and people and people-ish creatures, but no flying horses.

“You made that up,” I accused, not too frightened to glare.

“No. Look by the orange door, follow the gutter. They're at the open air.” he said.

It took me a few seconds to find the orange door, and the gutter was even worse to spy, but I felt the pattern in the air. I saw them.

From this distance, they had no exact detail, but they moved like courting butterflies, fluttering in a fast yet slow double rotation, dodging up and down, left and right. They twitched tails at each other and swiped out their teeth in friendly nips. One stuck out with its hindquarters, the other dove backward and flipped, appearing underneath its mate. They felt the air between them, knew what the other would do, sweeping in circles, spinning down, banking to the side, landing on their ledge, retiring for the day.

I realized I'd closed my eyes. My new ring glowed. My grip on the railing had become lax. I sprung on Mordon, seizing his shoulder and chest in momentary panic. His chest rumbled as he hummed, making motions with his hands. The platform moved and I clung harder, staring intently into his shirt. We jarred to a stop.

Peering over my shoulder, I found he had moved us to step directly onto one of the wide walkways around the edge. I let him go abruptly and stalked to the more solid platform, arms crossed.

No matter how straight he forced his lips, the smile wouldn't fade from around his eyes.

“What?” I snipped, huffing and turning my back to him.

“I haven't seen anyone that mortified of heights,” he said, failing to keep the smile from his voice.

I snorted. “I'm not afraid of heights.”

“Certainly not.” he said. I raised my eyes at him and he continued, “I'd say you are aghast, horrified, tremulous, pusillanimous, or downright hysteric.”

I waved my finger at him, “I was not hysterical. And I got on that platform with you, I'd hardly say I lacked courage.”

His jaw had a prideful set as he said, “Then we strike hysteric and pusillanimous from the list. Three left to conquer.”

I shook my head and demanded, “Where else are we to go to?”

He snapped his fingers, a motion without magic attached, “To Charissa's. We must do something to appease Lilly, as I'm certain she would appreciate taking you to a healer.”

“I feel fine.” I rolled my eyes.


I realize that the quote is super long, but you don't have to read it. Instead, look at how long it took you to identify who "He" referred to.

When you start a chapter, always take care to mention the name of the characters. That way, the reader knows immediately who the characters are. This is especially important in novels where the perspectives change from time to time, but you would do well to observe those rules here.

That's the first problem with this chapter. It's not terribly noticeable to the reader and I only picked up on it because I jumped into the story late. The next problem is much more severe. And that is that you started the chapter at the wrong time.

The beginning of this chapter starts off in the middle of a conversation! How annoying is that! Imagine watching your favorite show on TV. Two fascinating characters are deep in conversation. Just as things are about to get interesting, a commercial pops up, interrupting the dialogue to give you a message from their sponsors. The commercial is short, but it's too late: the flow of the program has been fatally interrupted. This is what you have done with the end of chapter four and the beginning of chapter five: you've cut a conversation in two.

You should always look at the end of a chapter as a place where you can insert a commercial break. You might leave it on a cliffhanger (commercial breaks are good for that; builds suspense and what not.) You might use it to allow time to move forward, but you never interrupt a conversation.

The structure of this Chapter needs work. Normally, chapters have a single objective to them. Take the first Harry Potter book.

1. Describe how Harry came to live with the Dursleys.
2. Describe Harry's life with the Dursleys.
3. Describe the arrival of the letters and the Dursley's attempts to see that they aren't delivered.
4. Harry reads the letter and leaves the Dursley's with Hagrid.

I could do this with every chapter in the book: a short sentence that summarizes what happens.

This chapter though... it doesn't have a clean sentence.

Chapter 5: Finish the conversation from the previous chapter and describe how, during the journey to the food court (in a fantasy novel? Oh well) they are both attacked by some sort of shapeshifter who is...

To be honest, I stopped reading once I got to that point. But you see the problem. The chapter is too long and no wonder: you're trying to stuff too much in. So my suggestion is: write your short sentence first; write the chapter that describes that event, and stick to it.

Once you have written that simple chapter, you can go back over it and do clever things, such as minor events which hint at future events. (For example: Harry Potter would find that, on occasion, completely random weirdos would be nice to him, even shake his hand. He wouldn't know the significance until much later. [HP 1, p. 30]) At the moment though, it seems like you are going for length, not for event.
Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2181
Reviews 33
“I will answer your questions in time,” he said through a scratched throat, “For now, join me. Look.”

At first, I timidly refused, muttering something about the view being fine from where I was. He chuckled and his smooth voice soothed the edge of my hesistance, but I still refused to wriggle a toe away from where I stood. He held out his hand, and I waved him off.

“You can hold on to me if it makes you feel better,” he offered.

I shook my head.

He shrugged, casting his shoulders a little too dramatically, and peering over the edge. “You will just have to miss out on the pegasusi flirting in midair.”

I twitched. They were real? All through childhood my parents had toyed with me, never letting me know for certain if they were a fictitious creation or a genuine creature.

“Oh, looks like they might finish up soon.” he taunted.

I bounded over to the ledge, one hand clenching his forearm, one hand intent on deforming the metal of the railing. I peered over, my weight firmly over my heels. I saw decks and people and people-ish creatures, but no flying horses.

“You made that up,” I accused, not too frightened to glare.

“No. Look by the orange door, follow the gutter. They're at the open air.” he said.

It took me a few seconds to find the orange door, and the gutter was even worse to spy, but I felt the pattern in the air. I saw them.

From this distance, they had no exact detail, but they moved like courting butterflies, fluttering in a fast yet slow double rotation, dodging up and down, left and right. They twitched tails at each other and swiped out their teeth in friendly nips. One stuck out with its hindquarters, the other dove backward and flipped, appearing underneath its mate. They felt the air between them, knew what the other would do, sweeping in circles, spinning down, banking to the side, landing on their ledge, retiring for the day.

I realized I'd closed my eyes. My new ring glowed. My grip on the railing had become lax. I sprung on Mordon, seizing his shoulder and chest in momentary panic. His chest rumbled as he hummed, making motions with his hands. The platform moved and I clung harder, staring intently into his shirt. We jarred to a stop.

Peering over my shoulder, I found he had moved us to step directly onto one of the wide walkways around the edge. I let him go abruptly and stalked to the more solid platform, arms crossed.

No matter how straight he forced his lips, the smile wouldn't fade from around his eyes.

“What?” I snipped, huffing and turning my back to him.

“I haven't seen anyone that mortified of heights,” he said, failing to keep the smile from his voice.

I snorted. “I'm not afraid of heights.”

“Certainly not.” he said. I raised my eyes at him and he continued, “I'd say you are aghast, horrified, tremulous, pusillanimous, or downright hysteric.”

I waved my finger at him, “I was not hysterical. And I got on that platform with you, I'd hardly say I lacked courage.”

His jaw had a prideful set as he said, “Then we strike hysteric and pusillanimous from the list. Three left to conquer.”

I shook my head and demanded, “Where else are we to go to?”

He snapped his fingers, a motion without magic attached, “To Charissa's. We must do something to appease Lilly, as I'm certain she would appreciate taking you to a healer.”

“I feel fine.” I rolled my eyes.

“Mmhmm. And your last thaumaturgical check up was...?” he trailed off, knowing the answer was a very long time ago, if ever.

“Fine! Let's find the lady and get it over with.” I said, ready to stretch out my stride to match his, but I stopped after only a couple of steps to find Mordon stationary, fishing out an inch-wide roll of parchment. From a distance it looked exactly like the stamp dispensers my mother used.

Mordon pulled out a calligraphy pen with no place for ink and touched it to the paper. Wherever he stroked the paper, it appeared as ink would, behaving in the same manner complete with blotches and splatters. I didn't take the time to read what he wrote before he tore the paper off at the end of the message and blew on it. Holding it up in the air with two fingers, he waved his other hand below it and called a single flame to his finger tip. The parchment lit and and was gone in a flash.

“It's been a long time since I did that,” I said wistfully, remembering the many nights Lilly, Railey, and I stayed up late burning messages to each other until a smoke alarm went off in one of the houses and the other two got a very pert message from that parent to go to bed, “ I used a candle. I could never call fire.”

He waved me to him, distractedly saying, “We're to meet her in the food court on this level.”

Only once we had wormed past several lines and road blocks did my words seem to make their way into his head.

“You have never called a fire?” he asked, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“No. My brother did, all my friends could. I don't have any real affinity over it.” I said, ducking a low-flying swan with a tag on its foot from some livestock vendor.

Mordon cast his eyes up and down me. “Odd. Healers are inclined to that, not fighters.”

“Guess it's good I'm hanging around you, then,” I said, the comment hanging awkwardly in the air between us.

Before Mordon could comment or look away so I could bury my face in my hands, a man yelled and shoved me, apparently diving after the swan. My balance lost, I swung my foot to step back and catch myself, but the man had knocked over a bucket of walking sticks. My heel caught on them and I reached to catch myself with my arms—but I kept falling, my calves scraped against the side and for an instant all I saw was the world upside down, tumbling past me. My skin crawled in a way it never had before and I reached for my magic and encountered Mordon's.

He yanked my body to a stop just before a red carpet zipped beneath me. I could see Mordon at the forefront of the crowd, staff glowing, hand cupped and extended over the edge. He raised his hand and I was pushed up, much the same way it was to be lifted by rising tide. Within only a few seconds, I was on my feet and back on the deck. The crowd cheered, and I noticed the red carpet had followed me. It folded up the front to face me with a flat surface.

Rescue Payment 1500 Gold wrote yellow thread on it.



“Where's that guy?” I thundered.

The crowd looked around and someone said what mattered was I was safe. That seemed to be the general consensus, Mordon included. I furrowed my brow and my nostrils flared.

“It was no accident,” I spat and lashed my magic after the man. It raced down the walk and found him relaxing against a wall talking to the swan. It snaked around them and squeezed, cutting them off before either could call magic. I yanked them in the air, over the heads of the crowd, and dropped them in front of me.

Seeing them, I felt the wind shift about the carpet and I yanked it to the floor with them before it could flee.

“It was an accident, lady!” said the man angrily.

“Why'd you run?” I asked.

“I didn't know you were down until I caught my goose. He had you, you were fine, so what's the holdup?”

I snapped my fingers and the swan shrieked in a woman's voice.

“Take your true forms, both of you!” I snapped, then explained to Mordon, “She's taken a changing potion. He doesn't even know the difference between a swan or a goose—and by golly he would if he had actually bought a swan. And the carpet wasn't just in the right place at the right time. It's a scam. Chase a goose around long enough and it's only a matter of time before someone falls for the carpet to conveniently catch.”

The crowd murmured, agreeing that the swan was a woman in the shape of the swan. For an instant she was easy to mistake, but under scrutiny her disguise was insufficient.

“Madame, take your true form,” ordered Mordon.

She shook her head, her long neck waving left to right.

“Will we have to take this before the judges?” threatened Mordon, his eyes dark and his voice a gravely rumble.

She lowered her head.

Light flashed and filled every cranny and I heard her wings whistle as they passed over me. My magic swarmed her and shoved all the gusts out from under her wings. She shrieked and tumbled, flapping uselessly, careening through a vacuum. Before she could hit anything, I filled her wings with air and forced her back onto the deck. She flapped hard against the wind but could gain no forward motion. I tipped the angle of the wind and she crashed into the wall, too exhausted to compensate quickly enough. She landed in a pile of blankets. The merchants had her this time, and hauled her to us. Mordon smiled, his voice a false welcome.

“My, my. Co-owner of the majority of the red carpets. You understand how convincing this would be to the judges. They would strip you of your standing.”

She opened her mouth then shut it. She glared at the man beside her. “Fool! To try this around the judges' guardian!”

“Now,” said Mordon, “I believe I can overlook today's event. On three conditions, of course.”

The man was going to object, but the woman cuffed him silent.

“Go on.” she said.

“The first is you stop all your scams related to the carpets.”

She gave one nod of her angled chin.

“The second is you stop the life-saving scams of the other carpet owners.”

“That won't be easy.” she grumbled.

“Is it easier than forfeiting your license and starting fresh in another market?”

“I'll stop all the scams,” she muttered loud enough just for Mordon.

“The third is that you return the fee you charged your victims.”

Her mouth sawed open. She wrinkled her nose and spat, “Very well.”

“Good.” Mordon looked up at the crowd. “The rest of you didn't see this.”

They shuffled off, starting at first with the more rational and ending with the few that wanted justice done. They stared off with Mordon before deciding not to tangle with him and left. The woman, the carpet, and the man had gone sometime with the rest.

“Think she will?” I asked skeptically.

“She will unless she wants to contend with me,” he said with a snarling smile.

My knees clanked together where I stood. I urged Mordon to find us someplace quiet. He lead us a short distance and I collapsed on a bench in an alcove, pulling my knees up to my face. I sobbed quietly into my jeans, gripping my hair with fierce claws, shuddering and shaking, suddenly cold. I hoped I appeared to others like I was napping, though I knew I didn't. Mordon stood in front of me, facing out to ensure no one let their eyes stray too long. Within a few minutes, I cleared my throat and scrubbed my eyes dry with my fists. I sat a couple minutes longer, hoping any redness in my eyes would go away. I coughed and stood.

“Let's go meet Charissa,” I said softly, walking on the wall-side of Mordon.

He made no comment and asked no questions, for which I was grateful.

We arrived at the food market, a centrally-located cobblestone square lined with all sorts of bizarre food vendors, some of them sending waiters around with trays of samples. I would like to try some when my stomach settled a little more. Mordon showed me to a strip where carpets came and went.

Charissa bolted up into sight, having come from the flight paths underneath the decks. Her carpet was very well-used and showed some blood stains, and had patches where it had worn through. Charissa herself was a tiny woman, half my height with a frame to match it, but such an abundance of hair that she tied it back in two places. She motioned for me to sit in the center of the carpet. I gave her a queasy look, and felt Mordon press two fingers between my shoulder blade.

I reached a foot out and tested it—the carpet squished slightly, not much more than a plush rug would be. I leaned more weight, and it gave a bit more, almost a water-bed sort of feeling. I hurried and sat, in the center, breathing to calm my heart. She shook her head at me with a kindly smile.

“Like a child.” she muttered. I shrugged.

Charissa frowned at me, holding both her hands in front of her with her fingers splayed out and crossed over each other.

“Hrmm. You've had some magic sickness, but you seem well recovered from that. And what's here? Curses, curses, curses. Don't you know how to play nice, girlie?” she chastised me.

I smiled sheepishly, focusing on her and not the area around me. She shook her head.

“Mordon, stop looking around like you're a lost puppy from the raining. Either come here and help me or go get her something.”

“I'm afraid I'm not much help, unless you want something set on fire,” he said uncertainly.

“Then get out of my hair. Your watching me is making me nervous,” the healer scolded. I heard Mordon walk away slowly.

“Protective little snot, isn't he?” sniffed Charissa.

I nodded.

“Girlie, are you mute or do you just not like to talk?” she snapped over selecting vials from her bag.

“I talk,” I replied.

“Don't like doctors, do ya?”

“Heights.”

“I won't let you fall. You'd best get used to the idea of seeing me on my carpet if you insist on hanging out with that circle.”

I still felt a tad queasy about the carpet, but her last comment shook me out of brooding. I asked, “How come?”

She gave me a look with her heavily-bagged eyes. She wore plum eye shadow and brown mascara, highlighting chocolate eyes that had been her main feature during the prime of her life. Even with her lined, withered lips and fallen in cheeks, she still had a beauty about her.

“Leif and Lilly are judge and jury over market disputes, and half of the people who go to them come away unhappy. Very few are ever pleased. Market disputes are never beneficial to anyone, especially those involved in them. Add the Constable to those two, and they are a prime circle for taking vengeance on. Only that drake can keep their enemies thinking twice about taking on a dragon and then dealing with potent wizards. Before they wrangled him into their group, Lilly had a troll hired to guard herself, Leif had a fenrir, and the Constable used his baton much, much more often.” She worked as she talked, flicking oils on my face, lighting candles, and even taking my left hand and rubbing some ointment into it, her eyes checking on her bag of potions.

“The enforcement trio wasn't even an official circle until Leif helped Barnes taste test his brandy, then decided they should transport to a party cave to share the booze, but someone got the spell wrong—imagine that—and they found themselves facing off with a recently woken dragon. After a few hours—and regaining some sobriety—they called Lilly into help. Once they defeated him, he revealed he was a drake, not just a dragon. He decided to make them friends, and insisted they form an official circle. Oh, Leif and Barnes and him had quite the row over that—they shut down the market for two full days before Mordon won the argument.” her voice went soft as she muttered, “That took a long time and big crew to clean.”

“So, Mordon was the one who wanted a circle? It hardly seems dragon-like to be social.”

“No, but it is very drake-like, so possessive. He didn't want the only wizards who could beat him to be out of his sight. There, girlie, the curses are starting to lift. They're things that will take several treatments to be rid of. I'll see you next week.”

I thanked her and started to slip away, but her hand caught mine. She stared at the ring, then up at me.

“Do you know what this means?”

“Everyone else seems to,” I grouched.

She nodded, “Best to keep it that way until you're ready. Off with you, now.”

I was on the deck again, and I watched her disappear underneath me. I went back to the center of the square, preoccupied with the ring and wondering when someone would tell me about it. I tried again to pull it off, but it refused to pop over my knuckle.

Surfacing from the midst of a crowd, Mordon surprised me and handed me a hermit crab shell, empty, but with words painted on the outside. I looked at him in confusion, and he motioned for me to watch it a little longer. The words changed and rotated every few seconds as some sort of mobile advertisement.

'Livestock and Other Animal Dealer. Whether for spells, potions, pets, or dinner, we offer fair prices. Deck 12.' read the first ad.

The letters were beginning to fade and new ones arise when someone shoved a tray filled with chocolate covered monsterously huge ants under my nose. I stared at the pinchers in front and imagined how well they could bite through my skin if the thing were still alive. I wrinkled my nose at it when the perky young girl announced,

“Chocolate Bugs just got their hive of Safari Ants going strong, and we're the first deck to receive shipment! As a perk to our loyal customers, everyone gets samples!”

Mordon's emerald ring waved in front of my face as he snared one between thumb and forefinger. I raised my eyebrows.

“Here, take a smaller one,” the waitress encouraged, lifting one up by the paper and placing it in my hand, “They're fried in lard, buttered, dried, and dipped in chili chocolate. Hope you enjoy it!”

She finished her singsong routine and moved to the next customers, passing out the ants to the hesitant and drawing in flocks of insect-loving customers. I stared at the thing in my palm. Mordon viewed it as an absolute treat, eating the legs one by one then the pinchers. He ate the main body in one gulp. I hoped my face reflected my horror.

“Want this one?” I held it out to him.

“You've got to at least eat the head.”

“No.”

“It's crispy.”

I stuck my tongue at him. He smiled and took the ant, but snapped the head off and gave it back to me. I wrinkled my nose.

“You need the protein boost,” he said seriously.

I popped it in my mouth, crunched once, got the buttery flavor and spiced chocolate, then swallowed the head mostly whole. I licked at the chocolate and found it tasty rather than sweet.

“I like the chili powder in it.” I admitted.

He beamed, all too triumphant. I looked down and read the next ad, which made me smile.

'Jarvis' Umbrellas. No witch nor wizard is complete without an umbrella. What if you make it rain cats and dogs? Mobile vendor.'

“You rather enjoy that trinket, don't you?” he mused.

“It is very clever. And, quite handy since I have never been in Merlyn's before.”

“You can ask it where to get things.” he said.

“So, I can ask it where to get rocks?”

It acknowledged my request and read:

Warding Stones. Perfect for losing paramours, hiding from trolls, and general adventuring. Door 196.

I leaned back against a the bench and smiled.

“What are you thinking about?” asked Mordon.

“I'm thinking that I am finally home. Chocolate Safari Ants, cats and dogs falling from the sky, and all of it.”

“Hm,” said Mordon, looking up, “yes, the raining animals has yet to happen on this occasion.”

“They don't fall, do they?” The image of literally falling animals was too horrific to envision.

“No, no. Well, they do, but they land softly. Some are taken home as pets, and the others fade back into the air to rain again,” he said. I nodded.

Before someone else could shove more bizarre food at me, I walked to the as near the edge as I dared and peered over.

Between our deck and the one below was a large platform with a circle in it, benches stacked up in stadium-style arrangement. There were a handful in the audience, but they mostly ignored the pair in the sparring ring. At this time it was occupied by a father training his daughter how to make and fire plasma balls.

“Interested in that already?” Mordon's voice mused over my shoulder.

“Well,” I said, my stomach fluttering in excitement, remembering all the sparring and training I did with Leif and Railey...and Griff. The thought entered my mind offhandedly, and I coldly pushed thoughts of him away in favor of the others. I smiled. “I should know what I'm capable of. I mean, I can't count on you stopping me midair next time.”

“Mmm.” he said, “True. Just be warned: any sparring with me will call in all the gamblers. You'd better be ready for a crowd.”

“Ah, you're chicken, that's all,” I teased.

His breath ran over my cheek as he whispered, “As you wish.”


***




Standing in the ring, I smelled the remnants of prior spells, the fear and confusion, the pride and victory. I didn't feel any death, but there were a few injuries none malicious. It was where people came to work out, test strength, and learn. My magic strolled beside me, I breathed it in and back out. Mordon wasn't as calm as I was, though he appeared it by all actions and expressions. I felt his fear, but he wasn't afraid of me, nor that he would harm me. I had to dig past the surface to find he was worried I would disappoint him. There was something bigger at stake, but he wouldn't focus on the whole picture. It had something to do with the ring and what it meant, something to do with how happy he had been to first lay eyes on me at the park, and how the deeper I knew him the more I had to prove. I felt a twinge of remorse, as though he had rejected a part of himself in exchange for accepting me back up on the platform we watched the pegasi on.

I wanted him to talk to me, but I knew he would tell me 'later' and leave me guessing again. I'd come here to test my magic and have a fun round with a man I knew I couldn't possibly injure on accident and was skilled enough to not injure me, but as his solemnity increased I found I wanted to raise him to a bet. There was enough going on along the sidelines, as Mordon promised. I thought back on some of Mother's teachings and tried to remember how she instructed me in obscuring the fight circle so the people in it couldn't be seen—I didn't want my tricks getting out to whoever else I'd have to fight.

Once he'd entered the circle, I cast my own ring following the circumference line marked in plain paint, decorated on the outside with unmagicked letters reciting the virtues of learning and friendship. I hadn't had time to read it. The circle shimmered, a slight distortion where it was, flowing this way and that like rippling water.

We met in the middle, Mordon unusually grim. We bowed, and I made eye contact on the way up. He saw I had something to say and raised his brows.

“I know you expect—or hope—for something from me. When I thrash you around, I want you to explain some of this,” I said, darting my eyes down to the sapphire ring stubbornly stuck to my ring finger.

He grinned at the thought of being thrashed around. “You're half my weight, half my magic.”

“Watch me,” I promised, and hoped I could make good on my word. It was rumored the only reason Leif, Lilly, and Barnes defeated him to start with was because hunger had whittled away on his power. Thankfully, I didn't plan on attacking it directly.

I started my pace, a long and low stride that served as a way to help keep myself in motion and in contact with muscle memory. I felt his magic flood the ring's floor, lingering on the old spells and around us, where my magic hung as the air did all about and above us.

Mordon lashed out first with a bolt for my midriff, and I built a cushion of air to deflect it off. It hit the edge of the circle and the circle absorbed the power, becoming more physical and less transparent.

Mordon noticed this and said, “Unusual.”

“Mother taught me.”

The old adage you get out of it what you put into it applied to normal wizard's circles, and some wizards poured a significant degree of energy into one to keep other enemies from sneaking in—or to keep their victim from escaping. Mordon had initially assumed I expelled a fair deal of energy to make it, but now he sent his magic to investigate the circle he hadn't even glanced at before. His brows pinched in confusion. Trickery was bred into me. He still didn't know the full extent of what the circle was, and I planned to take advantage of it.

He unleashed bolt after bolt and I built up a swiveling cushion, reflecting each one with increasing difficulty. His bolts scattered harmlessly into the circle, one he caught and sent back to me. He was gauging my strength, and I knew I was too out of practice, too inexperienced period to hope to win this fight by a landslide, but I would count it a win if I tossed him around some and gave him a good run. When he backed off, I formed a rope strand with my magic and whipped his foot out from under him. The spell he had been building backfired.

He crashed against the circle. It bulged out, then sprung him forward onto his knees. The circle got a glossy gleam of rainbow colors the way a soap bubble does, absorbing the backfire energy greedily.

He grumbled, tucked both hands at one side, and concentrated on forming an electric ball, bolts zipping between his rings and along the length of his staff. He built it up and let it fly. It ploughed through my magic, cutting like a blade, until it reached me.

I was moving as it slapped my side, and I flipped over myself, crashing on my back against the floor, my body rigidly twitching. I watched as my fingers jerked open and closed as I tried to form a fist, as my arms made choppy flailing motions as I tried to climb up. I let out a hard breath and lay still, hoping that relaxing would soothe my muscles.

He stalked over to me, a deliberate walk with every mark of the finesse and plotting of a dancer.

I felt his magic burn around me, looking for whatever trap I had laid out next. I curled my fist in a smooth motion, but I pretended to still twitch. He focused on me, suddenly suspicious of my silence. I reached for my magic and whispered an order.

A shadow rushed him. He darted to the side, throwing up a shield and bracing for impact. I fired a small bolt against his shoulder, knocking him sideways off his feet. He glared at me and eyed the sky for the shadow.

It had been my illusion. He recognized that now, too late, seeing me on my feet pacing and shielding another secret spell from him. Mordon shook his head and began pacing as well. One foot in front of the other, two, three, five, six, seven... I avoided a bolt aimed at my foot, hopping into a roll, avoiding one aimed at my head.

I felt the damp chill of my spell pass over my body as I slipped a ring off and I held still, watching as my illusion came out of the roll and continued. The only real thing was the magicless ring, and it kept walking as I had recorded the image to do. Seven steps later and Mordon released a fireball, and the illusion lit with a fwoosh and was gone, the ring falling to the ground with a soft tink.

Shocked, Mordon crossed half the circle before seeing the fallen ring and realizing the illusion. He spun on his heel and flames rolled from his outstretched hands, cold flames, flames intended only for finding out where I had gone. I reached out, blowing the flames back into his face. We both increased in strength, his flames growing heavier and taller, more fierce; my magic waned and receded, bringing the flames closer and closer to me. My magic fell, slipping around my crouched body as a shield, letting the flames roar harmlessly over until Mordon stopped, presuming I was finished. While I didn't have the blunt strength, I could tell my magic was quick to restore, even if it would take a couple hours. I lay still, feeding his assumptions I was finished. I waited and rested as I heard his footsteps come closer.

He stood over me and prepared to tap my shoulder to signal the end of the match. He didn't notice my big toe reaching out to touch the circle as he bent down. All the energy the circle absorbed rushed into my magic again, and I rolled on my back and fired one last energy ball into his chest.

He was yanked off his feet, suspended in midair for a second, then crashed past the circle's initial boundary. I didn't care now if he wanted to officially end the fight. I let my arms fall to the side and lay panting, deciding to regain my composure at a later date.

“I call that a winning strike,” said a nearby bystander. His bettering partner grudgingly agreed.

I took my time sitting up. Mordon recovered quicker and helped me stand. The crowd hooted and whistled, many calling words of praise my way. Mordon wasn't perturbed or embarrassed, but rather he raised my arms in one swooping motion, to the cheering of the crowd. I tucked my arm away quickly.

“Want to get me outta here?” I asked Mordon, trying to not get flustered, “I would appreciate some honest answers.”


It took me so long to figure out who was talking in the beginning. Maybe you should just edit that part. Never start a chapter in the middle of someone talking. An emotion, thought or feeling is ok to start with but only if it has to do with the last thing said in the last chapter.
Be carefull when you write because you know the story better than anyone else. That means that what is ulta clear to you, might not be clear to the reader. We don't know what you're thinking unless you explain it in your writing.
If I wrote in my book, "Amiria walked into the great hall of the Aloe Mansion and was amazed by is beauty." And then didn't ellaborate you and I would probably be imagining the great hall in two different ways. You could be thinking lots of gold and statues and elaborite paintings hanging on the walls and directly ahead is a golden pedistool that holds the Cherry Code, and my image is that it's an emerald hall with hundreds of different types of plants and a stream flowing through the hall with a little bridge in the middle to get to the alter of the Cherry Code hidden in a vast thicket of rasberry bushes and hidden from plain sight. you see how different those images are? It all comes to a lack of explanation. Just be carefull about that

Blondie Missy Angel
Going down a rabbit hole, get away from all we know!



If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket